Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Sounds Like a Personal Problem

Is it ever okay to want to slap the shit out of your best friend?

We were catching up tonight after a couple of weeks of being too busy to talk. I was telling her all about my fabulous chiropractor and the acupuncture she's been giving me, and how I have high hopes that the supplements I am taking along with everything else I am doing will help my body to work to it's fullest potential.

And she proceeded to tell me it was all bullshit. Western medicine is the only way to help people heal and the best way to help people live their fullest life. Her dad doesn't think anything else really works...why should she?

The brilliant child of an E.R. doctor who acts like she knows everything about everything. A radio journalist with the sweetest heart one could think of, covered up by bitter cynicism and an intense need to debate the life out of any issue. A beautiful soul in those moments where she can let the cynicism fade away and admit that she's just like the rest of us: vulnerable, intimidated by what the future holds, not always so sure of herself.

Truth be told, I'm not 100% sure I understand what the acupuncture and supplements and meditation (I didn't have the strength to talk to her about my nightly meditation routine...) are doing for me. But I am keeping an open mind, trying to discover new things about myself and my body and for once concentrating on myself as a soul rather than just a body.

I tried explaining this to her. She condescendingly kept saying "okaaay" and "whatever you think" and the like in my response to my explanation.

Conversations like this make me so angry at her I can't stand it. And I feel like I can't express my anger towards her simply because she won't understand why I am angry. She sees me as someone equally as cynical (which I am NOT) and someone who is willing to believe whatever anyone will tell me. What I really want is for her to accept what I am doing, without judgment or cynicism, and respect that I am trying to open myself up to new possibilities. I want her to accept me the way I am right NOW, in this moment. I want to feel loved and supported by the one person who is supposed to love and support you through thick and thin.

I sometimes think that maybe I shouldn't keep her around. Maybe her attitude is sabotaging my hard work and efforts to evolve and grow. Maybe we aren't in the same place right now and I need to be surrounded by people who, even if we are in different places, can accept me for where I am and what I am doing.

But those thoughts make me so very sad, because I know how much she loves me and how much I love her. I know what a truly wonderful person she is when she allows herself to be. I know that she is NOT the horrible person this post is making her out to be--we wouldn't have years and years of good memories if she was. I know that she would do anything in her power to help me--well, apparently, almost anything.

Gd, I sound like I am justifying an abusive marriage or something. And I promise you, this is
nothing like that.

I wish she understood me half as well as she thinks she does. And I wish I had the balls to just talk to her about it, to ask her gently to understand where I am coming from and what I really need from her. To know that even if she didn't understand or agree with the things I am doing, she would allow me to do them without giving me a millions reasons why science (or her own logic) says they could never work.

I love her. But she has no idea how to best love me. A running theme throughout my life, so it seems. My grandpa, my mom, my best friend...

Does that mean the problem is really with me? Do I not know the how to best love myself and therefore that uncertainty is passed unto others?

Good Gd, more questions.

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