Killing Us Softly

If you care about yourselves and the world around you, you'll watch this 40-ish minute presentation immediately. It's kind of amazing how the media can influence us in such drastic and sad ways.

Part one:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ujySz-_NFQ&feature=related

Part two:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E4-1xCf3I7U&feature=related

Sometimes, people on dating websites IM you to say things like this:

"I know your a fatty, but I guess we can still have sex anyways...interested?"

In disgust, you respond with:

"Um, no."

And he responds with:

"Your a bitch."

(Note the terrible grammar and spelling issues that are always laughable, but especially laughable in this instance.)

And you respond by reporting him to said dating website and blocking him from contacting you ever again.

What did he think I would say to such a proposition? YES?

I was checking out this website for the first time in over a week, curious to see who'd looked at me and if anyone new had popped up. I wasn't on the site for more than 5 minutes when this happened and hadn't yet looked at a single person's profile.

I get this shit when I try too hard. And I get it when I don't try at all. It seems like everywhere I turn my friends are meeting nice, wonderful guys who treat them with the respect and dignity they deserve.

I deal with this crap over and over and over again, and wonder: What am I doing to attract these losers?

I know that someday, when I'm either laying in the arms of a wonderful man, or content with being a successful, powerful single woman, I'll laugh about this. Today, however, is not that day.

This post has been a long time coming and isn't easy to write. When it's written down for the world to read, it becomes real. When it becomes real, it becomes something I need to deal with seriously and responsibly. I'm not sure I'm ready or able to do that right now.

I'm going through a major bout of depression right now. The world as I see it is dark and heavy. It's hard to smile even when I want to. The things that I enjoy doing seem pointless. I fall asleep quickly, only to have nightmares and night sweats and body/head aches when I wake up. I don't feel like myself; I feel like someone who's been consumed with sadness and grief, yet can't possibly begin to explain the reasons why I feel this way. Nothing (besides my love life) is going wrong. I should be perfectly happy right now, and yet all I feel is tired and down all the time.

I've know that I haven't felt like myself for a few weeks now, but being at my pulpit this weekend was the straw that broke the camel's back. I literally needed to force myself to smile and be happy for 3 days straight. I tried so hard to be the Tracy they all know and love, and I realized quickly that faking joy and excitement leads to complete and utter exhaustion. From Friday night on, I longed for the comforts of home and the space to take off my smile and just feel the way I want to feel.

I've been through bouts of depression before, and I know what I need to do to pull myself out. At this point, 1 week from Rosh Hashanah, 5 months before my thesis is due, 7 months before my senior recital and 8 months from job placement, I have no other choice but to force myself out of this funk with medication and therapy.

But I don't want to do it. I don't even want to leave my apartment. Ever.

I don't want to admit I have a problem.

Because then it's real. I am the fat girl who's depressed and alone with no one to lean on. I am the cliche I've been fighting for the last 4 years.

Try writing a thesis on body image and self-love when you feel ugly and unlovable. Right now, the very idea of writing about this and presenting a recital on the topic makes me feel like a huge hypocrite.

There are no words to describe how badly I need a hug right now. A real, unselfish, all-encompassing embrace that makes me feel safe and protected and loved. And someone to tell me that everything's going to be okay and I will move past this terrible feeling and be able to feel happiness again.

Intellectually, I know I'll be fine. I've beat this before.

Emotionally, I'm not so sure.

Half a Cake

Tonight I ate half of a cake for dinner. I covered half of my half with almond butter before consuming it, alone, in front of the computer while reading old G-chat conversations with some of the guys I've dated in the past 6 months. By the time I came to my senses, I noticed half of the cake was gone. I cried (for about the 600th time today) and threw the other half of the cake away immediately. I nearly pulled a chunk out of the garbage to munch on, until I realized that was incredibly disgusting, closed the garbage bag and walked away.

It was SO Miranda Hobbes of me.

I've been in such a funk lately, and the more I try to figure out the reasons why, the funkier I feel. Truth is, it felt good to eat that cake. Comforting. Relaxing. Until the moment I realized half of it was gone. 30 minutes later, my stomach is starting to ache from all of the sugar. I'm almost positive I won't sleep tonight, even though I've been tempted to crawl into bed since 7pm.

I didn't want to eat half a cake tonight. I wanted to be held. I'm so longing for someone to put their arms around me and not let go until I tell them, only to hold on for a second longer after that. I actually tried to hug myself earlier. I wish I was kidding. It didn't have the desired effect--I must work on my self-hugging skills immediately. I have no idea what's wrong with me or how to work through whatever is going on in my head; all I know is that I want to be hugged, held so tightly I can barely breathe, more than anything in the world.

I'm trying to be gentle with myself as I work through this seemingly never-ending rough patch. But half a cake? Really?

Breathe. Tomorrow is another (sugarless) day.

My, How Things Have Changed

Sometimes, when your personal life goes to shit, it really does help to think of other things. For me, I think of food--or in this case, really good, healthy, satisfying food.

It struck me this morning, as I was cutting corn of the cob for my latest salad creation (see below), just how different my eating habits are now from when I started this journey 4 (!!!) years ago. Before I left for Israel my life was all about fast food, big portions, diet soda, meat at nearly every meal, and convenience foods. I'd eat without thinking twice about what I was eating, where it came from, and how it worked to fuel my body throughout the day.

My, how things have changed.

I am living proof that once you rid yourself of the bad stuff, your body learns to crave the good stuff. I live off of fresh fruits and vegetables, full of nutrients and vitamins that help my body to work as best as it can. Nowadays, I eat quinoa, beans, tofu, chia seeds, and millet without a second thought. I didn't even know what most of these things were prior to leaving for Israel, and if I did, I'd swear up and down that I'd never even try them. It's amazing how much a person can change their opinions and their habits when they are open to new experiences and trying things more than one time. Sometimes, your palette and your mind need time to adjust to new foods, methods of preparing them, and how one goes about eating them once prepared.

I've never quite given myself the recognition I deserve for being able to achieve this when so many people can't. I do think it's worth mentioning, especially when you grow up in the Midwest, land of chain restaurants and close-minded eating. Go me!

Make this salad sometime. It has so many flavors and textures that your mouth will dance with joy. Serve over some greens with a hunk of whole wheat bread for a nutritious and truly delicious meal.

Corn, Black Bean, and Avocado Salad

(serves 8-10, though the recipe can be easily modified for a smaller group.)

5 ears fresh corn, cut off the cob

1 small bell pepper (any color), chopped

2 small or 1 large tomato, chopped

3 scallions, chopped

1 can black beans, drained and rinsed

1 large avocado, chopped

4 small limes

3 tablespoons olive oil

1 teaspoon cumin

1/2 teaspoon coriander (fresh cilantro would be even better!)

1/4 teaspoon red pepper flakes

Salt and Pepper, to taste.

Add first 5 ingredients to a large bowl. In a separate bowl, place avocado and the juice of 1 lime. Gently mix, covering the avocado with lime juice to prevent browning, and add to the larger bowl with other ingredients. Juice the remaining limes and add to the larger bowl, along with olive oil, cumin, coriander, red pepper flakes and S&P. Chill and serve!

(Feel free to adapt ingredients to suit your tastes.)

What I DO Need to Hear Right Now

I hope Leah doesn't get mad at me for posting this, but it really was the very best email I could have received this morning. I am so lucky to have this woman, and her vibrant, warm, glowing lights, in my life. Thank you, sweet friend, and I love you, too.

So I just read your latest blog posts, and I feel compelled to let you know that my ass will be in a plane THIS AFTERNOON, if you need me. You, my friend, are so hurt right now. And I know that some of it is hormonal, but a lot of it comes from feelings that you have squashed for so many years. I think that the tears and the frustration are all part of the healing process, but I don’t want you going through any of these things alone.

I want to call up St. Louis and tell your mother to get the hell over herself. That she was an incredible daughter whom she pushes away more and more with every phone call and visit. I won’t do this, but I want to. You deserve to much more than you have right now. You need to feel supported and loved. Just knowing that is like 95% of the battle. How can you even be expected to thrive when you feel like you are dangling out there on your own? My heart just aches for you, and I understand the frustration you feel because it seems like everyone and their dog has what you want. And if you hear one more time how great you are, you might punch someone. I understand this. No words from anyone are going to make it better. But a hug from your best Lee-Lah and a glass of wine are a pretty good start.

Say the words and I’m on the next flight out. I’m serious.

I love you T-Money.

What's Really Going On

I've spent the last 2 days crying. Hormones aside, I really don't know what's making me so sad. Through the tears, I've been trying to think about what's really making me so upset; every time I do this, something new pops up and adds to my confusion. I feel like I've grown sadder and sadder as the hours have passed, and the worst part is that nothing I do to help me feel better is working as of yet.

If this really is all hormones as I think it is, these hormones are nasty bastards.

I keep thinking that maybe if I list out the thoughts in my head, the reasons that keep popping up whenever I think about why I'm feeling this way, they'll finally leave me and allow me to feel good again. As I mentioned before, nothing I've done thus far has really helped--but I guess it can't hurt to try this method, right?

1.) This whole T and A thing: Do I really give a shit about a guy I've never even met? NO. From what I've heard, this guy doesn't talk. T talks enough for 18 people. No wonder they work well together. I guess it's bugging me that I reached out first--I could have had him if T (circumstances, really) hadn't gotten in the way.

Moreso, it just adds to the fact that it's hard to see everyone else get what I've always wanted, especially those who aren't even trying to find it. I put myself out there over and over again, opening my heart and my head to people and hoping we'll connect in the way I want us to. I'm the one who lives in the vicious cycle of excitement and disappointment that is dating, and I'm the one who is actively trying to find what I want. T wasn't really trying. Others I know weren't trying either, and BOOM--love finds them. It makes me think that maybe I'm trying TOO hard, putting too much pressure on myself and the people I go out with; except I don't know how to do it any other way. There's a part of me that feels like I need to be on the fast track to love in order to catch up to everyone else, to find the One before I leave NYC (the mecca for 20 and 30-something Jews) and move to a po-dunk town to begin my career. I don't know how to stop this train of thought and just let love find me. It's hard to relinquish the control of something I've finally allowed myself to do in order to let it happen.

I've also been thinking about all of the love I DO have in my life. I realize that love (or those loves) so fully and completely that it only adds to my confusion. For the first time in my life, I'm able to see that I'm a really wonderful, beautiful person. I understand why I'm loved by so many people and how I could be so lucky as to have a wonderful community of friends and family in my life. However, if I'm so lovable to my friends and family, why am I not so lovable to the opposite sex? Why is it so difficult for a man to fall in love with me? I need to keep discovering what I'm doing (if it's even me at all) that makes it hard to love me. I think this is the reason why I hate when my friends say, "You're so wonderful, you'll find someone!" so much. I know I'm wonderful, yet love hasn't found me yet. I don't understand why that is, so anyone who tells me what I already know only adds to my confusion.

I also really, really miss T. She was a huge part of my social life here, and even though I know we need some distance right now and this is the best thing we can do for our hurting friendship, I feel the void without her. I want to go back to normal again, though I'm not sure if we can do that right now or ever.

2.) I just came back from 10 days at home with my family. The entire time, I couldn't wait to return to my single life in NYC, where I could live without the needs and demands of my mom and family. Now, I don't miss my family or St Louis in ways I used to, but I worry about them. My mom is not doing well; she's weak, tired all the time, and in need of serious medical care and assistance almost all the time. She's depressed in a big way, tired of her life and dialysis treatments and totally unaccepting of the fact that this is where her life is right now (and probably forever.) She puts so many demands on my little brother that it's depressing him, and she made my time at home and on vacation so stressful and almost miserable. I noticed very clearly that I am not the Tracy I want to be whenever I'm with her; she makes it hard for me to be my best self, and instead I find myself angry, annoyed, and stressed out whenever I'm with her. I yell at her far more than I yell at anyone else. I don't want to treat my mom that way, yet I can't help myself when she pushes me over the edge. It's so hard to balance being my best self with these angry feelings I feel towards her. I do try to be honest with her, but her own defensive attitude only seems to escalate the problem.

It also makes me wish so badly that I had a "normal" mom, someone that I could talk to about anything while I lay my head in her lap as she strokes my hair. My mom is far too self-centered to ever do anything like that; every time I try to talk to her about my love life or social life the conversation always goes back to her. It's incredibly frustrating; she's alive and present in my life, yet she can't be there for me the way I need her to be. No matter what I say to her to try to make her aware of this, she'll never understand. Therefore, I don't have the strong, older and wiser female presence I so desperately need in my life right now to help me untangle all of these feelings. I miss that.

3.) Really, what I need and want most right now, is a hug. The kind of hug only a boyfriend or a mom can give you. And I don't have either of those. Knowing that so many people have either one or the other (and that so many have both--and don't realize how lucky they are) makes me so sad. As I type this, fresh tears are falling because I want this so badly. I NEED this so badly. I need someone to hold me and tell me things are going to be okay, and remind me that my crazy hormones are taking over right now and all will be fine when the week is over. Virtual hugs, of which I've had many--don't really cut it, though they help a little.

If anything good has come out of this miserable week, it's that I've had the time to somewhat work through these things for myself. I think they've been building up inside of me all year long, and I've allowed school and boys and fun to push them aside. It does feel good to get them out into the open, even if new tears keep falling because I'm letting it happen. Maybe they're tears that have needed to fall for awhile now.

Things One Should Not Say To Me Right Now

-For my wedding, I need you to...(I can't take wedding bullshit right now...sorry to anyone who's getting married.)

-We are going to X place to use our 2-person Groupon. Come with us. (Third-wheeling AND playing full price while you eat your meal for pennies? I'd rather stay home alone, thanks.)

-I asked if he remembered you. He said no. (Thank you for letting me know I'm forgettable, FRIEND. Just what I need to hear right now.)

-Do you really need to be eating that cupcake? (Fuck off, I'm eating the damn cupcake.)

-Me: Let's hang out! I'd love to see you again. Him: I have to run to a meeting. TTYL. (There's a blow-off if I've ever heard one.)

-S/he is the greatest person I've never known! I just love her/him! (Go ahead, rub your amazing relationship in my face. I don't mind.)

-You owe me more money for something you shouldn't have had to pay for in the first place. (Great, cause I love spending money I don't have on things you shouldn't have bought if you couldn't afford them in the first place. Perfect.)

-I know I haven't called you or validated your existence in over a month, but I'd love to come over and "hang-out" tonight. (There's a reason I deleted you from my phone and de-friended you on FB, asshole. Take the hint.)

-The word "dialysis." (Enough said.)

-This movie is SUCH a good date movie. He kissed me afterwards for the first time. Now you'll have to go! (Seriously?!)

-You're being overly sensitive. Just let it go. (Yep, easy for you to say.)

-It wouldn't have worked out with him anyways. You're too good for him! (And you know this, how?)

I think that after the week I've had, my cynicism towards love and life has reached new heights. I don't like that it feels SO GOOD to delete wedding/engagement/relationship/baby related emails or posts on Facebook, but it's the only thing that's getting me through this insane week.

The moral of the story? You may not want to talk to this emotionally-charged girl right now if all you have to talk about are any of the aforementioned topics. You may get yelled at, hung-up on, or completely ignored. Don't say I didn't warn you.

There are certain times in a single person's life where one's "singleness" seems especially noticeable. Yesterday was one of those days, and it hit me like a brick.

First, I almost bumped into Andrew, the guy I was in love with in high school and much of college, at the grocery store. He was with his girlfriend (who, according to his cousin, he will marry someday), so like the mature person I am I turned the other direction and walked into an aisle where I could inconspicuously watch them until they left the store to make sure he didn't see me. Before you tell me that I was being completely ridiculous, you should know the following: it's always hard to see him whether or not he's dating anyone. He'll always be that guy that I'll never 100% get over, so the thought of meeting the girlfriend and seeing them hold hands and stare lovingly at each other was unfathomable. Once they left the store I continued my shopping, sulking down the aisles and spending a little too much time in the ice cream section. I didn't buy any…at least at that point.

God, please don't let him ask me to officiate his wedding. I'm SO not strong enough to do that, You and I both know.

Later in the day, a friend (we'll call her "T" for the sake of privacy) posted on Facebook that she's "in a relationship" with a new guy (we'll call him "A.") They've been dating for a few weeks now after being set up by friend of a friend. However…I actually found A on OKCupid a day or 2 before T's friends made the connection. After a mere glance at his profile I knew he was a quality guy, so I sent him an email to start a conversation. This friend of a friend coincidentally told A about T around the same time. A few days later, T and I are at dinner with friends when I get an email response from A. A mere few minutes later, T gets a phone call from him. We look at each other like, "Oh shit, how do we handle this?"

T decided that since she had actual connections to him that she should be the one go out with him. I wasn't thrilled with the idea, but decided that I need to put sisters before misters and just roll with it. She said over and over again (even after their first couple of dates) that she didn't think she'd be interested, it would never work out, blah blah blah, and that in the end neither one of us would end up with him and life would go on.

Uh huh.

As soon as I saw T's posting on Facebook along with a cutesy photo, I got that heart-pounding-face-reddening-jaw-dropping rush of jealousy. That's bad enough. What's even worse, though, is that I felt angry. Really, really angry. It's the worst kind of anger, too, because I don't know who to direct it towards. Tammy, for going out with him even though I reached out first? Myself, for not pushing harder to agree that I should be the one to date him? To be angry at either one of us is stupid and completely useless. This is not worth ruining a friendship over.

Yet, I can't help the way I feel. Angry. Resentful. Because had things turned out differently, it could have been ME in that picture with him.

Had things turned out differently, Andrew and I could be celebrating 12 years together.

Selfish much?

I really, really, REALLY hate this side of myself. The side that can't be happy for other people when they get what I don't have. It comes out every time a friend/family member gets into a relationship, engaged, married, or pregnant. This is why I dread going to weddings and related events (well, this and a million other reasons) and usually have a miserable time underneath my smile. As much as I hate this, I have no idea how to control or change this part of me, so it never really goes away. It's frustrating, and makes me become a person I don't want to be. In the past, I'd let the feelings fester until they exploded (I remember a particularly embarrassing conversation with my friend J 2 days before her wedding in October, where I told her that I'd definitely be miserable at her wedding. I'm sure that's exactly what she wanted to hear 2 days before the greatest day of her life.) I'm trying very hard to be more honest and open with people rather than bottle up my feelings, but that seems to only get me into more trouble.

I talked to T about this last night and was very honest about how I felt. It was one of the most awkward conversations of my life. She felt bad, I felt bad, and nothing was resolved. I don't feel better, and she feels uncomfortable being happy about something she SHOULD be happy about. That's not what I want for my friend. That's not the person I want to be. Yet, despite all of my desire to change, I just don't know how.

I'd love to hear your thoughts and comments on this post--however, I ask that you please not say things like, "The right guy is just around the corner!" or "When it's meant to be it will be." or "God has someone out there just for you, you just haven't found him yet!" When you've been hearing things like that for the last 15 years to no avail, and you've just had your singleness rubbed in your face (twice in one day) those words are especially cruel and condescending.

As Carrie Bradshaw once said, "When will waiting for The One--be done?"

29

Today is my 29th birthday. I'm 29. Weird.

My good friends Mike and Joey were visiting me from Southern California all week long. They've been staying in my apartment, and we had a fantastic time together exploring NYC, eating really delicious (and indulgent) food, and walking our little legs off. I think we averaged about 10 miles/day for 4.5 days. That's a lot of walking, at least according to my feet and legs which are begging for some R&R. The boys left this afternoon, after a wonderful brunch and tour of Hoboken, NJ.

In all of the planning for their visit, I completely forgot that they'd be leaving me on my birthday, giving me an entire half of a day to celebrate on my own with friends. I didn't even think to plan anything fun to do once they departed. I tried to put something together at the last minute, though everyone I asked was already busy--understandably.

It's amazing how I left my apartment this morning with my boys in tow, surrounded by their loving presences and energy, and came back to find the apartment empty and sad. My special week with them ended on a special day for me...without any real special ending.

I know birthdays lose their grandeur as we get older. I know that as of 5 minutes ago, I had 87 posts on FB wishing me a happy birthday and countless other phone calls, cards, messages, and gifts. I know I was (and still am) totally exhausted after a busy week with my friends. But there's a part of me that really missed having big plans tonight--somehow, my chinese food, leftover coconut lemon cake, and Sister Act didn't really scream, "yay, you're 29!" It makes me sad that I didn't have anyone to make this part of the day really special and points out just how lonely I feel even when I am surrounded with love.

I made a secret pact with myself last year that I'd have someone special to turn 29 with. Maybe it sounds stupid, but I feel like a failure because I didn't really have that. The boys and I were having a heart to heart last night, and I mentioned that I have achieved so much of what I've always wanted to do--and yet, when it comes to love, I'm a disaster. Mike gently reminded me that I'm in control of my weight loss, my education, my profession. When it comes to relationships, I can't steer my own course since other people are involved. He's right, but it's REALLY freakin' annoying. I know I'm not a failure, or pathetic, or ridiculous because I spent the night of my birthday alone; but it would have been really, really nice to have someone to make the day feel a little more special.

God, I sound and feel selfish and silly for wanting more than the wonderful day I had. I'm trying really, really hard to let go of this "poor me" attitude and bask in the glow of the amazing love that people have poured into my life today. Why is that so damn hard?

I'm 29. Weird.

Boys Boys Boys

Many thanks to Lady GaGa for giving me the brilliant title for this post.

As I said in a previous post, dating has become the new blogging throughout the past year. For me, this dating thing has been a BIG deal for a ton of reasons, the biggest of which is that I've learned far more about myself and the opposite sex than I ever thought I could know. I've pushed myself to date all kinds of men this year, some of whom I never thought I would allow myself to consider. I guess I've learned that you never really know who you'll spark with unless you give the person a chance. So I've given lots of men lots of chances; sometimes too many, sometimes not enough, sometimes the perfect amount. Obviously I'm still single, so the right one hasn't come along; but I've gained a newfound appreciation for this game they call dating.

I think the biggest, most meaningful lesson I've learned from all of this is that I actually am a strong, powerful sexual creature. It's exciting for me to know that I--in both physical and emotional ways--have the power to excite a man. I've had men tell me that I'm sexy, that I'm hot, that they want me. Until this year, this was uncharted territory in Tracy-Land. It's taken me a long time, but I've allowed myself to become much more physical with men than I've ever been before; while this may not sound like a big deal, for someone like me who's afraid to take her clothes off in a women's locker room, the fact that I've taken my clothes off for a few select men throughout the past year is indeed a very big deal. I've had to learn how to pick and choose which men are allowed to see this side of me, as well as when to let them see it (it just so happens that giving away too much too soon :::coughcoughonthefirstdatecoughcough::: is a big no-no, no matter your size or shape.) While I knew this before, I guess I had to play around before I could really understand the concept.

I've also learned that most men are not the shallow jackasses I once thought they were. Sure, there was the guy who told me I should have surgery because my "leftovers" were a "turn-off" and "hideous" (his words, not mine) and the guy who thought that bigger girls put out more easily than smaller ones because we're more desperate for attention. Both guys were losers who I never allowed to see me again. But more often than not, I've had experiences with guys that have surprised me--those who have been more than understanding about who I am and why my body is the way it is. Those who have told me that they're proud of my accomplishments and want to make me feel as beautiful as they think I am. The one who, so sweetly, told me that when he looked at my body he just saw ME as a whole person, inside and out. It's those experiences that have changed the way I think about the male gender and their attitudes towards women of every shape and size. Though my relationships with them didn't work out, they've all stayed with me in positive ways and helped me to see my sexuality, my body, and my whole self in a much different light.

Most of these guys stayed with me for 2-4 weeks. One of them, however, was a part of my life from January through April. I guess you could say it was the longest romantic "relationship" I've ever had, though neither of us ever declared feelings or titles for the other. It was a complicated situation, but to this point, the most meaningful connection I've had with a man in a long time. We could talk to each other about anything and everything, sharing stories and laughter and, at one point, tears. I loved spending time with him and always left feeling like THIS time was going to change everything, that THIS time he'd want to move our relationship to the next level; that never happened. It took all of the courage I had to call and dump him that Wednesday night at the end of April, explaining simply that I liked him a lot, but needed and deserved more from a relationship. I cried myself that night, so scared that I was giving up on someone who really did honor me for who I was on the inside and outside. It was for the best, which I see now--but it still, even 2 months later, hurts like hell sometimes. I still miss him, especially after a bad first date or when I'm feeling lonely. I realized, as soon as I'd hung up the phone with him that night, that the whole time I was trying to tell myself I DIDN'T have feelings for him, I actually cultivated a very strong "like" (love seems to strong, even now) for him. I haven't felt that way about anyone in a long time, since Andrew back in high school.

I go back and forth about how my feelings towards this dating business. I've learned SO MUCH about myself (there is tons of stuff I could add to this post, but won't) and about relationships. I've had a great time with so many of these people and have--for the most part--been treated like a lady. It feels good to share the soft, romantic, sexy side of myself with someone else AND with myself. I've enjoyed getting to know this side of me. Though, on the other hand, now that I've had a taste of the many perks of being in a relationship, I want more. Moreso than ever before, I want to know what real love is. I want to experience it on all levels. I actually crave physical contact in ways I never did before. The loneliness that I thought couldn't get any worse has actually become palpable. It's all the more reason to keep putting myself out there and keep dating and keep learning--even when things don't go as I'd like them to.

I feel like there's so, so much more I could say, but this post is already quite lengthy. Until next time...

For honesty's sake, I feel the need to share the following:

When I said in my last post that I'd gained 10 lbs, I was actually lying. I didn't know it at the time, but the number of pounds I thought I'd gained this year was far from the truth.

I haven't gained an ounce since the last time I weighed myself, about 4 months ago.

I was shocked and amazed when I stepped on the scale yesterday and the number was exactly the same as it had been all that time ago. I even turned the scale off and on again and weighed myself one more time to make sure it was correct. Same number.

Isn't it fascinating how we build these things up in our heads? All semester, I'd been convinced that I'd put on pounds. As a result, I was terrified of stepping on the scale to see if I was actually right, so I avoided it like the plague. It's kind of the same thing as when I avoid checking the balance of my bank account because I think I don't have any money, only to see that I DO have money and all is right with the world. I am such a paranoid freak.

It's amazing how bad experiences on the scale and with my bank account can elicit this silly fear in me and so many of us.

I remember the early days of this blog, when I was on WW and had a weekly weigh-in. The truth--AKA the number on the scale--was right there for me to see. It was encouraging to see the numbers decrease as the years went on, and I had a secure sense of how I was doing with my weight loss goals. In a strange way, I actually looked forward to my weigh-ins. The farther I get from that place, where my weight-loss was at the forefront of my life, the less I want to know what that number is. As I continue my life's journey, the act of losing weight becomes increasingly more difficult for physiological and emotional reasons. Smaller people lose weight much more slowly, but more than that, the truths about my past and present that I continue to explore become much harder to bear. I ignore them out of fear for what they really mean and how I and others will react to my exploring them.

Perhaps it's this fear of the truth that's prevented me from losing this last 50-ish pounds and not the self-acceptance or complacency I've told myself it was. I'm honestly not sure what it is, but I know that through the struggle to find the answers I can only grow (and shrink) in the best ways possible.

The process of opening myself up to the truth is scary as hell, whether or not I allow myself to do it. Regardless, maybe it's time to let it happen...

Starting Over

It's been a long time since I've felt compelled to come back to this space. There are so many reasons why, including school and work and my newfound NYC social life, but the truth of the matter is that my weight loss just isn't a top priority in my life these days. I jokingly told someone a few months back that "dating is the new blogging", meaning I was concentrating on actually HAVING a life rather than merely documenting what I thought was my life. Living a fulfilling life is so much more than digging into your emotional core for the world (or, a small part of my world) to see. Sometimes, it's about forgetting who you were and who you want to be and remembering who you are RIGHT NOW, in the present time and place. Sometimes, it feels good to forget about all the shit and hard work and go out and have fun. For me, that's a huge life lesson that I'm glad I finally learned.

However, something lately has been pulling me back here. Perhaps it's the 10 pounds I've gained after an academically and emotionally stimulating/exhausting year. I realized yesterday, as I was shoveling salad down my throat after writing to my cousins about a slimeball who'd been dating both me and a good friend of mine, that I was falling victim to emotional eating. I was eating that salad so quickly to forget about my anger and disappointment, and worse than that, it felt GOOD to be doing so. In my efforts to live in the moment and put my past behind me, I'd actually reverted to the old habits that made my past so painful in the first place. After 4 years of living a new, healthy lifestyle, the old Tracy is still there and determined to make her presence known. I thought about it all yesterday afternoon; perhaps the old Tracy has been there all year long, crying out for the attention that I'd been denying her by ignoring this blog and pretending my healthy habits were now permanent.

As much as I'd like to live fully in the present, perhaps I'm not one of those people who'll ever be able to completely do so. I can't just forget my past self to concentrate on my present and future selves--not only because they're a part of me, but because something in there is still unresolved and screaming out to be acknowledged. That something still finds comfort and love from food, and until that something is heard and healed, I can't go on ignoring it and thinking it'll go away.

So here I am, back in this safe space where I can be my most authentic and raw self for the people who love and support me no matter what I say or do. I'm not sure what direction the blog will take from here, how often I'll be writing, or if the honest feelings I plan to divulge will actually help me to stay on the right track; I do think, however, that being surrounded by this community can assist me in making smarter choices and being gentle with myself without giving myself too much leeway. We shall see. In the meantime, it feels good to be back here, and I hope to stay awhile.

Upon writing this, I'm realizing that maybe it's actually possible to live in the past and the present all at the same time. The past conjures up feelings that affect your behaviors in the present--therefore, it's all one and the same. Just something to play with as I start this brave new journey, yet again.