Friday, August 12, 2011

What's Really Going On

I've spent the last 2 days crying. Hormones aside, I really don't know what's making me so sad. Through the tears, I've been trying to think about what's really making me so upset; every time I do this, something new pops up and adds to my confusion. I feel like I've grown sadder and sadder as the hours have passed, and the worst part is that nothing I do to help me feel better is working as of yet.

If this really is all hormones as I think it is, these hormones are nasty bastards.

I keep thinking that maybe if I list out the thoughts in my head, the reasons that keep popping up whenever I think about why I'm feeling this way, they'll finally leave me and allow me to feel good again. As I mentioned before, nothing I've done thus far has really helped--but I guess it can't hurt to try this method, right?

1.) This whole T and A thing: Do I really give a shit about a guy I've never even met? NO. From what I've heard, this guy doesn't talk. T talks enough for 18 people. No wonder they work well together. I guess it's bugging me that I reached out first--I could have had him if T (circumstances, really) hadn't gotten in the way.

Moreso, it just adds to the fact that it's hard to see everyone else get what I've always wanted, especially those who aren't even trying to find it. I put myself out there over and over again, opening my heart and my head to people and hoping we'll connect in the way I want us to. I'm the one who lives in the vicious cycle of excitement and disappointment that is dating, and I'm the one who is actively trying to find what I want. T wasn't really trying. Others I know weren't trying either, and BOOM--love finds them. It makes me think that maybe I'm trying TOO hard, putting too much pressure on myself and the people I go out with; except I don't know how to do it any other way. There's a part of me that feels like I need to be on the fast track to love in order to catch up to everyone else, to find the One before I leave NYC (the mecca for 20 and 30-something Jews) and move to a po-dunk town to begin my career. I don't know how to stop this train of thought and just let love find me. It's hard to relinquish the control of something I've finally allowed myself to do in order to let it happen.

I've also been thinking about all of the love I DO have in my life. I realize that love (or those loves) so fully and completely that it only adds to my confusion. For the first time in my life, I'm able to see that I'm a really wonderful, beautiful person. I understand why I'm loved by so many people and how I could be so lucky as to have a wonderful community of friends and family in my life. However, if I'm so lovable to my friends and family, why am I not so lovable to the opposite sex? Why is it so difficult for a man to fall in love with me? I need to keep discovering what I'm doing (if it's even me at all) that makes it hard to love me. I think this is the reason why I hate when my friends say, "You're so wonderful, you'll find someone!" so much. I know I'm wonderful, yet love hasn't found me yet. I don't understand why that is, so anyone who tells me what I already know only adds to my confusion.

I also really, really miss T. She was a huge part of my social life here, and even though I know we need some distance right now and this is the best thing we can do for our hurting friendship, I feel the void without her. I want to go back to normal again, though I'm not sure if we can do that right now or ever.

2.) I just came back from 10 days at home with my family. The entire time, I couldn't wait to return to my single life in NYC, where I could live without the needs and demands of my mom and family. Now, I don't miss my family or St Louis in ways I used to, but I worry about them. My mom is not doing well; she's weak, tired all the time, and in need of serious medical care and assistance almost all the time. She's depressed in a big way, tired of her life and dialysis treatments and totally unaccepting of the fact that this is where her life is right now (and probably forever.) She puts so many demands on my little brother that it's depressing him, and she made my time at home and on vacation so stressful and almost miserable. I noticed very clearly that I am not the Tracy I want to be whenever I'm with her; she makes it hard for me to be my best self, and instead I find myself angry, annoyed, and stressed out whenever I'm with her. I yell at her far more than I yell at anyone else. I don't want to treat my mom that way, yet I can't help myself when she pushes me over the edge. It's so hard to balance being my best self with these angry feelings I feel towards her. I do try to be honest with her, but her own defensive attitude only seems to escalate the problem.

It also makes me wish so badly that I had a "normal" mom, someone that I could talk to about anything while I lay my head in her lap as she strokes my hair. My mom is far too self-centered to ever do anything like that; every time I try to talk to her about my love life or social life the conversation always goes back to her. It's incredibly frustrating; she's alive and present in my life, yet she can't be there for me the way I need her to be. No matter what I say to her to try to make her aware of this, she'll never understand. Therefore, I don't have the strong, older and wiser female presence I so desperately need in my life right now to help me untangle all of these feelings. I miss that.

3.) Really, what I need and want most right now, is a hug. The kind of hug only a boyfriend or a mom can give you. And I don't have either of those. Knowing that so many people have either one or the other (and that so many have both--and don't realize how lucky they are) makes me so sad. As I type this, fresh tears are falling because I want this so badly. I NEED this so badly. I need someone to hold me and tell me things are going to be okay, and remind me that my crazy hormones are taking over right now and all will be fine when the week is over. Virtual hugs, of which I've had many--don't really cut it, though they help a little.

If anything good has come out of this miserable week, it's that I've had the time to somewhat work through these things for myself. I think they've been building up inside of me all year long, and I've allowed school and boys and fun to push them aside. It does feel good to get them out into the open, even if new tears keep falling because I'm letting it happen. Maybe they're tears that have needed to fall for awhile now.

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