Sunday, June 12, 2011

Starting Over

It's been a long time since I've felt compelled to come back to this space. There are so many reasons why, including school and work and my newfound NYC social life, but the truth of the matter is that my weight loss just isn't a top priority in my life these days. I jokingly told someone a few months back that "dating is the new blogging", meaning I was concentrating on actually HAVING a life rather than merely documenting what I thought was my life. Living a fulfilling life is so much more than digging into your emotional core for the world (or, a small part of my world) to see. Sometimes, it's about forgetting who you were and who you want to be and remembering who you are RIGHT NOW, in the present time and place. Sometimes, it feels good to forget about all the shit and hard work and go out and have fun. For me, that's a huge life lesson that I'm glad I finally learned.

However, something lately has been pulling me back here. Perhaps it's the 10 pounds I've gained after an academically and emotionally stimulating/exhausting year. I realized yesterday, as I was shoveling salad down my throat after writing to my cousins about a slimeball who'd been dating both me and a good friend of mine, that I was falling victim to emotional eating. I was eating that salad so quickly to forget about my anger and disappointment, and worse than that, it felt GOOD to be doing so. In my efforts to live in the moment and put my past behind me, I'd actually reverted to the old habits that made my past so painful in the first place. After 4 years of living a new, healthy lifestyle, the old Tracy is still there and determined to make her presence known. I thought about it all yesterday afternoon; perhaps the old Tracy has been there all year long, crying out for the attention that I'd been denying her by ignoring this blog and pretending my healthy habits were now permanent.

As much as I'd like to live fully in the present, perhaps I'm not one of those people who'll ever be able to completely do so. I can't just forget my past self to concentrate on my present and future selves--not only because they're a part of me, but because something in there is still unresolved and screaming out to be acknowledged. That something still finds comfort and love from food, and until that something is heard and healed, I can't go on ignoring it and thinking it'll go away.

So here I am, back in this safe space where I can be my most authentic and raw self for the people who love and support me no matter what I say or do. I'm not sure what direction the blog will take from here, how often I'll be writing, or if the honest feelings I plan to divulge will actually help me to stay on the right track; I do think, however, that being surrounded by this community can assist me in making smarter choices and being gentle with myself without giving myself too much leeway. We shall see. In the meantime, it feels good to be back here, and I hope to stay awhile.

Upon writing this, I'm realizing that maybe it's actually possible to live in the past and the present all at the same time. The past conjures up feelings that affect your behaviors in the present--therefore, it's all one and the same. Just something to play with as I start this brave new journey, yet again.


Stephanie said...

I'm so proud of you.

Anonymous said...

You are amazing and I know that you can do whatever you set your mind to. Echoing Stephanie when I say that I too, am very proud of you, Dear Friend.

Love you always.