My good friends Mike and Joey were visiting me from Southern California all week long. They've been staying in my apartment, and we had a fantastic time together exploring NYC, eating really delicious (and indulgent) food, and walking our little legs off. I think we averaged about 10 miles/day for 4.5 days. That's a lot of walking, at least according to my feet and legs which are begging for some R&R. The boys left this afternoon, after a wonderful brunch and tour of Hoboken, NJ.
In all of the planning for their visit, I completely forgot that they'd be leaving me on my birthday, giving me an entire half of a day to celebrate on my own with friends. I didn't even think to plan anything fun to do once they departed. I tried to put something together at the last minute, though everyone I asked was already busy--understandably.
It's amazing how I left my apartment this morning with my boys in tow, surrounded by their loving presences and energy, and came back to find the apartment empty and sad. My special week with them ended on a special day for me...without any real special ending.
I know birthdays lose their grandeur as we get older. I know that as of 5 minutes ago, I had 87 posts on FB wishing me a happy birthday and countless other phone calls, cards, messages, and gifts. I know I was (and still am) totally exhausted after a busy week with my friends. But there's a part of me that really missed having big plans tonight--somehow, my chinese food, leftover coconut lemon cake, and Sister Act didn't really scream, "yay, you're 29!" It makes me sad that I didn't have anyone to make this part of the day really special and points out just how lonely I feel even when I am surrounded with love.
I made a secret pact with myself last year that I'd have someone special to turn 29 with. Maybe it sounds stupid, but I feel like a failure because I didn't really have that. The boys and I were having a heart to heart last night, and I mentioned that I have achieved so much of what I've always wanted to do--and yet, when it comes to love, I'm a disaster. Mike gently reminded me that I'm in control of my weight loss, my education, my profession. When it comes to relationships, I can't steer my own course since other people are involved. He's right, but it's REALLY freakin' annoying. I know I'm not a failure, or pathetic, or ridiculous because I spent the night of my birthday alone; but it would have been really, really nice to have someone to make the day feel a little more special.
God, I sound and feel selfish and silly for wanting more than the wonderful day I had. I'm trying really, really hard to let go of this "poor me" attitude and bask in the glow of the amazing love that people have poured into my life today. Why is that so damn hard?
I'm 29. Weird.