I've been sitting here all night long, cooking dinner, watching some of the All-Star game, and wondering why the hell I have no desire to go out and attempt to be social.
That's been the theme for the year, really for the last almost 26 years.
It's true that I have very few friends left here in St Louis, and those who are here either don't want to give me the time of day (Andrew) or are busy people who call when they DO want to hang out. And when they want to do something, many times I don't really want to.
I don't think it is depression or anything like that. I do like to be with others, in quiet settings. I'm not a bar girl or a club girl; I'm really not all that interested in doing what other people my age like to do. I learned a long time ago that I am kind of an old soul, someone who'd rather sit at home with friends and good food and wine than at a noisy, expensive club. And while there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, I wonder why I don't have the desire to be more outgoing. Why would I rather sit at home alone than go with a bunch of people to one of the fun social arenas in STL? Why do I not want to make new friends or climb out of my box once in awhile?
Of course tonight my shoulder hurts from the elliptical machine, I am all PMS'y, somewhat depressed that there is no one to hang out with on Thursday, and pissed off at my mom for no real reason. Oh, and I have a huge craving for a pint of Ben and Jerry's or Ted Drewes, neither of which I can ever eat again. And it pisses me off.
Yep, I'd be fun to hang out with tonight.