Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Wednesday Night Report #5

I wish this was a happy report.

I've been so sick of this program all week, so sick of chicken and broccoli and brown rice and worrying about the stupid scale. I've been so ready to throw it out the window and live my life like a normal person again.

I want to strangle my mom for buying those muffins she knows I can't resist and then not hiding them like I asked her to. I want to kick my brother for leaving the trail mix I can't eat on the counter. I want to scream at my dad for letting me order a cone at Ben and Jerry's last Sunday.

Except none of it is anyone's fault but my own. It was my fault for eating it all, not putting the things away away myself before they became a problem, not having the willpower to resist when I know I can't have it. I take full responsibility, even though it would be so much easier to be mad at everyone else.

All week long I've been wishing that I would have quit the program for the summer. I should have given myself the summer off to continue eating healthy and exercising but not have to face the pressures of the scale week after week. I feel so bound by the program and so limited in what I can eat and where I can go. The joy that food used to bring me is now replaced by this constant aching, saddening anxiety and worry.

I can't go on like this for much longer.

Gd, why is it that some people will never, ever have to worry about things like this? Why are some people so naturally thin while the rest of us have to huff and puff and eat the same boring shit over and over again only to gain more weight? It seems like such a mean trick for Gd to be playing on us, and for the first time in a long time, I'm really mad about it. I am mad at Gd for making me this way and putting me through a life of torture as I try to be what Gd intended human beings (and me?) to be.

The worst part of all of this is that in a few minutes I am going over to my cousin/chiropractor's house, and I know she will want to know how things went tonight. And I will have to tell her I gained 1.4 lbs, and though she will be so sweet and probably say something incredibly wonderful and supportive, inside I will feel just as ashamed as if I were a kid making one of my weekly phone calls to my grandpa.

Maybe it's just a bad week and I am overreacting. But I am pretty much ready to call it quits, at least for the summer. Losing weight isn't worth making myself feel like a loser.

But, like I've said before, I won't give up the program. Not yet.

Gd, if You want me to keep up with this, I need You to prove it to me.

2 comments:

Stephanie said...

i love you.

that is all.

love,

shutafah shelach

David said...

Gently, friend. Gently.

You are not your weight.

And I think YOU are the sign from God.