Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Wednesday Night Report

So I went to my WW meeting tonight, my second one since coming back to the States. I gained 0.8 lbs this week, which isn't disastrous, but it's not great either. I was really hoping to lose something this week, especially because I've been so good about exercising all week long. My time in the pool today was my best workout yet, pushing and shoving and taking out aggression I didn't know I was holding into the cold water.

I miss Israel. I miss everything about Israel. Most of all, I miss Menucha and the WW gang there. I miss their smiles and sweet words and encouragement. I miss not being a stranger when I walk into the room. I miss Israeli fruits and vegetables and walking everywhere I go. I miss my freedom and the inability to eat tons of bad things every minute of every day. I miss the healthy lifestyle that was so easy to live there. I miss the combination of health and spirituality that kept me so grounded and focused my entire time there.

I've spent the last 2 hours trying to reason with myself, to be gentle and forgiving to myself, and yet all I can do is worry for what will happen the rest of the summer. I'm praying that this meeting isn't a bad sign for things ahead. I'm hoping my body is just taking it's time readjusting to life in the States, to not walking everywhere and constantly being fed amazing and healthy foods. I'm desperately praying that the $200 I spent on clothes last week won't be a waste of money come the end of the summer.

Tonight was the first time I've cried since leaving Israel. It hit me just how I scared I really am to be back here and living at home in this dangerous environment (dangerous in terms of healthy eating and habits, that is.) How scared I am that I will end up like my diabetic, heart diseased and under-achieving parents. How scared I am to take on the burdens of all that entails their conditions and emotional states-of-mind.

I don't want to be here, dealing with this. I should have stayed in Israel, safe from my parents and their problems and my need to cope with food.

But I can't turn back time, and I have to somehow accept what is going to be for the next 8 weeks until I move to New York.

How the hell do I do that?

Tonight I had chinese food for dinner. And then went to McDonalds for a diet soda and a Snack Wrap. I haven't eaten McDonalds in almost a year, and now suddenly I ate it FOR NO REASON AT ALL. I wasn't hungry. I wasn't craving it. I didn't even taste it. I just ate it, without reason or thought, at least until the guilt set in. And now I'm disappointed in myself. I know better. I AM better. And I feel like one trip to McDonalds has fucked up 11 months of hard work and dedication. One stupid Snack Wrap that I ate for no reason whatsoever.

I'm trying so hard to be positive. I hope this is just a bad night in the long line of really, really good days.

I will let myself feel this way tonight. Tomorrow, it stops and life starts again. Enough is enough.

1 comment:

SuperMommy said...

This is how you do it, Tracy:

In your mind's eye, visualize the following (which comes from your own words, BTW) as if it has already happened. Do so ANYTIME a negative thought or guilty feeling or fear or worry tries to creep in there. You're just trying to get to a thought or feeling that feels a little better, and this should help. Remember, what you visualize and imagine is what you're putting out to the universe and therefore what you're asking for and allowing in:

1. A regular and familiar WW community that provides smiles and sweet words and encouragement.
2. A regular plate of whatever fruits and vegetables you can get your hands on at least twice a day, if not every time you need a snack. Discovering great places you didn't know existed to get these things.
3. Walking whenever possible instead of driving, and continuing your amazing water exercise. (Nothing you can eat will undo how good that is for your body and soul.)
4. Freedom from temptation to eat bad things every minute of every day. Confidence in yourself to do so, to walk YOUR OWN PATH and not your parents'. That is their energy, and not yours to hold.
5. A healthy lifestyle for the rest of your life, beginning already. This includes health and spirituality that keeps you grounded and focused.
6. Being gentle with yourself and remembering to check in with your heart and intuition, not just your busy reasoning mind.
7. Letting go of worry and holding on to trust, even if right now it feels like blind faith.
8. Being gentle and forgiving of yourself always.
9. Your body readjusted to life in the US and continuing on your amazing path of lasting health.
10. Going to the clothing store again next month and then in NY at the beginning of the school year and needing to spend another $200-400 on even smaller clothes.

I promise to keep reminding you of this... :)