Saturday, June 21, 2008

Mom

Sometimes I just get so goddamned furious with you.
Sometimes I want to pretend I don't know you and never have to see you again.
Sometimes I wish for nothing more than to not be a part of you and to not let you be a part of me.
Sometimes I wish I had nothing to do with you, never knew you, never had to deal with you even once.

Grow up, mom, and a be a big girl for once in your life. Be the MOTHER in this family, not the child. Let me be a normal 25 year old and let Adam be a normal 22 year old. Let us have lives that don't include you, even if just for a few hours.

If you didn't want to go to New York with us tomorrow, all you had to do was say so when we asked if you wanted to go.
If you have a problem with the way your family treats you, tell them--don't tell us to tell them for you. I will never, EVER, tell your brother or sister to be nice to you--grow a pair and do it yourself.
If you have a problem or are angry with dad, call and bitch about it to him--not to us. We didn't marry him, we didn't decide to start a family, we didn't decide to put up with a miserable marriage for 23 years, we didn't agree to a divorce. YOU DID ALL OF THOSE THINGS YOURSELF. Take some accountability and realize your mistakes belong to no one but you.
If you don't want to fall anymore, if you don't want to hurt anymore, surrender your pride and use a walking stick or a cane to help you keep your balance and notice the stumbling blocks in your way before you trip over them. 99.9% of your accidents are preventable if you'd only just use the fucking stick. No one would think you were a 'retard' or a loser and no one would disrespect you--believe it or not, more people would respect you for trying to be independent and self-sustaining.

Do you know that it is because of you that I sometimes question my desires to have a family of my own? And it isn't because I don't love and want children--it is because I feel that if raising a child is anything like dealing with YOU, I want nothing to do with it.

I love you so, so much, mom. You know that. But you make it so hard for us to love you, so hard for us to want to do things for you and, some of the time, so hard for us to even be nice to you and treat you with the respect that you deserve. I so badly wish you would see with your heart and soul and mind instead of thinking you can only see with your eyes. I wish you could let us love you and respect you by being our mom instead of our child.

But, as the saying goes, "You can wish in one hand, and crap in the other...and see which gets filled first."

I wonder if you'll ever really get it.

I so badly need a good hug right now. I'm missing so many people from my Israel family, people that I know would give me what I really need right now. I need love, love that my mother can not provide because she is too consumed in her own needs.

1 comment:

SuperMommy said...

A HUGE hug from CA. And a reminder that all the love you need is inside your own HUGE heart (with a little extra from all of us just the frosting). Love.