When I was in high school choir, we would take trips around the country to sing at various festivals and universities. We would stay in hotel rooms, usually 4 girls to a room/4 guys to a room. To assure we wouldn't get into trouble, our choir director would put masking tape across the outside of our hotel room doors at night, so he could see the broken tape if someone tried to get out. We all knew better than to "break the tape."
I've been thinking about putting the tape rule into affect here in my own apartment. Not for my bedroom door, of course, but for the kitchen door once dinner is eaten and cleaned up. I'm spending far too much time in the kitchen at night, eating when I'm not even hungry, "needing" that late night snack or bite of peanut butter (that is causing all kinds of problems--I should just pitch the damn jar.)
And I'm starting to notice the effects of my poor eating choices. I caught myself in the mirror today and stared at my face for a really long time. It is slightly chubbier than the last time I really looked.
How vain does that sound? Who the hell cares if my face looks chubbier today than it did a week ago? In the grand scheme of things, does it matter a single bit? NO.
But it's been upsetting me all day. I am trying to be patient and loving and gentle and yet all I want to do is hit the gym again every day and stop eating copious amounts of peanut butter and dessert EVERY night and wine before bed (did I mention that my program is turning me into an alcoholic? Cause it is.) However, I'm still struggling to find time in the day to dedicate to the gym, when every minute seems to be filled with learning music and studying hebrew and translating the Tanach. I'm still in such a phase of flux, where nothing is constant or routine, and I feel like until that's established I can't go anywhere. Excuses, excuses, but the idea of adding something else into this crazy mix seems unbearable right now.
The want to better myself physically. The want to better myself spiritually and academically. The want to do well in school and in my pulpit work. It's a lot of pushing and pulling and trying to make room for everything. It will take time to figure out, but time's a wastin', and I'll only go backwards if I can't somehow figure out a way to go forwards.
I should stop looking in the mirror on my closet door and start looking in the mirrors at the NYU gym as I work out.
I should put the tape across my kitchen door so I don't eat spoonfuls of PB.
I should stop bitching and start working already.
I'm trying hard not to use the 's' word. The term 'should' implies guilt. As a result, we 'shouldn't' use it when talking to or about ourselves or others. But there comes a point when you know what's good for you, a time when 'should' needs to be become 'will' in order to take away the associations. I'm getting to that point, but I'm not there yet. For now, I choose to think of 'should' as my vehicle towards 'will.'
I'm not making any sense. I'm tired. And I want some peanut butter.
I think I will put up the tape across my kitchen door, as long as I can somehow have access to water. Maybe I'll tape the fridge? Maybe the shelves with my other goodies? We'll see.
Might it be more helpful to put the masking tape across my mouth? Just kidding. Kind of.
For now, I'm putting my tired bones to sleep.