Down a pound. Again.
I'm not going to be negative, as I am blessed to have lost a pound and have a functioning, healthy body. But I can't lie, with all the careful counting and strenuous exercise I've been doing, I am a little disappointed with the results. 1 pound--it seems like nothing after a week's worth of hard, sometimes excruciating work. But, as I've said before, even 1 pound is so much better than nothing.
Sometimes, for no reason at all, it hits me just how big my job of taking off all of this weight really is. I've already done a huge amount of work and there is still so much to do. I need to lose at least another 80 lbs to be healthy, 104 more to reach my goal of 150 lbs. I know I will get there, but the thought of continuing this work for at least another year is overwhelming and exhausting. Sometimes, as I am trying to fall asleep, I pray to God that I will wake up tomorrow morning 100 pounds lighter, just like that. I know it will never happen, but it sure would be nice.
Sometimes I wonder if God has been getting God's signals crossed as of late. I asked God to make my struggle harder so Tikva's could be easier, and yet God is making both of us work harder than ever right now. Today, as I sweat and gasped for air next to an old friend at the gym, I told him about the deal I made with God to help Tikva, in hopes that maybe putting the actual words out there for all to hear would help God to understand my request. I am praying it works, that Tikva wakes up tomorrow feeling good and breathing easily. Please God, help her. PLEASE GOD, HELP TIKVA.
I wonder sometimes how God knows which prayers to answer and when. How does God know which prayers are the most crucial versus which ones can wait a bit or not be answered at all?
When I think of what Tikva and others are going through, my prayers for my weight loss seem so unimportant and silly. Maybe as of late, God is listening more to my and others prayers for those in the midst of important healing, which is why my weight-loss has slowed down a little bit.
I'm more than OK with that. God knows what God is doing.
Please God, keep working to heal that baby who means so much to so many.
Please continue to hold her in Your palm, as her parents trust You have done all along.
Please give her strength to heal and breathe, and give her parents the strength to continue their important support for Tikva's healing.
Please God, give Tikva what she needs, whenever she needs it.
And God, if You have time (and I understand if You don't,) hold me and guide me along my own important journey. I can't do this without You.