Saturday, August 16, 2008

Changes

It's been a long time since I last posted. So much has happened, so much has changed. Much of it good, some of it not so good (at least for now) and some of it totally indifferent. I've needed time to process it all and to adjust to this new and very different life.

Last Sunday I moved to New York. Thank goodness I'm living in Astoria, Queens, outside of Manhattan. We accidently got lost in Manhattan on our way to and from Jersey the other day, and the intensity of the atmosphere is so much to handle. As we made our way back towards Queens, I could feel that pressures of the city lifting; once again we saw air and real people and trees and life that doesn't exist around cell phones and business people. I couldn't handle that kind of lifestyle just yet--I need a year or more to adjust to NYC life.

My apartment is cute. My neighborhood is even cuter. But so far, I am the ONLY HUC'er I know who doesn't live in Brooklyn or in the city. It takes an hour on the subway to get to Brooklyn. I was invited to a movie night at a friends house tonight, and the idea of traveling an hour to get there, and then an hour to get home, alone, in the dark, is totally frightening. I know I'll have to do it once school starts, and I know I'd be completely fine and safe, but I just don't feel ready for it yet.

I am living alone, all by myself, for the first time in my life. I love being alone; I love the opportunity to do things my way, to buy and cook and eat my own food, do the dishes and clean up at my convenience. But it sure gets lonely and boring sometimes. And I keep thinking about what will happen the first time I see a mouse in the apartment or when something breaks and the super isn't there or when God forbid I fall and crack my head open. I will be alone. All alone. My classmates and friends far away, in the city or in Brooklyn.

I am scared to death to be living here, in this cute apartment in Queens, far from home and most people I know and love, all by myself. When my brother left this afternoon I came in and had a total breakdown.

Is this what being a grown up is all about?

And then there are fears about school, about being on the most intense campus with the most intense of my classmates in this way-too-intense city. I'm not an academic. I get things, after reading and re-reading and re-re-reading and lots of looking stuff up and mapping it out for myself. It takes me time to learn, time I don't always seem to have. The people I go to school with seem to have photogenic memories that allow them to soak in all of the academia we need to learn. Many of them then feel the need to show off their intelligence, leaving the rest of us behind to wonder what the hell they're talking about. I just wish they'd stop trying so hard to show off and just let their natural beauty and talents shine through. Being a Jewish leader isn't only about intellect, after all.

In the craziness of moving, my eating has been in terrible shape. I've felt the need to sample food from all of the cute little bakeries and restaurants around me and have stopped counting points completely. I try to go for a walk everyday, drink plenty of water, and climb my steps a few times a day, but I know it isn't enough.

I need time to figure all this crap out.

Again.

There's a heavy load on my shoulders right now, so it's going to take a lot of resolve and determination to stay with this.

I canceled my WW subscription, just for now.
I will get back on it, I promise you and myself.
I just need time to adjust, to feel ready again, to get into some kind of routine, to let this crazy part of the world begin to feel normal to me.

I want to trust that it will. But until trust comes, all I have is hope.

1 comment:

Gal aka SuperMommy said...

You will figure it all out, slowly and one thing and day at a time. Challenge, I think, is what being grown up is all about, and you are doing great - facing the challenges head on with confidence and not backing down. You're doing great, so remember to be gentle with yourself. And always hold onto hope... that's not going anywhere!