Monday, September 1, 2008

Enough

I am trying really, really hard to be a grown up and not complain about how much I dislike living in this city.

However, after spending 4 days in the midwest, 2 at my student pulpit in South Bend, IN and the other 2 in Cincinnati, I can't help but be miserable at the thought of being back here.

Cincy was so right. From the second I got to Steph and Ari's apartment, it felt like home. I felt more at home in their pretty apartment, with it's elevator and central AC and dishwasher and space, than I ever have at this apartment.

The idea of waking up at the crack of dawn to be on the train at 7:30, then commuting an hour to get to school, then sitting in class all day long surrounded by people who like it here, then commuting another hour home, is too much to think about right now.

I want to crawl into bed and never get out.

I want to create a SSM at the Cincy campus, where the dean remembered me and knew my name. I don't think the dean here has a clue in hell who I am, even though she interviewed me, met me last year in Jerusalem, and has bumped into me several times in the elevators that are always too slow and too crowded because some idiot decided the stairs are a security risk.

The man at the airport who was hailing the taxis told me that I move like an old lady.
He would too, if he'd been traveling since 10:30 this morning and felt weary and tired and was missing his friends.
I not-so-politely told him to kiss my ass.
I was in no mood to be graceful.

The taxi driver had no idea where I lived, and no clue how to get me there.
I made him stop the meter and pull over and get directions--I wasn't going to pay him to drive around until he found it.
I then remarked that it wasn't my job to know where I'm going (he doesn't need to know that I live in this building--he assumed I was visiting, and that's fine by me.)

I can't take this city.
I want to go to Cincinnati.
Or Jerusalem.
Or even back to St Louis.

I just want to go where it feels right, and that certainly isn't here.

I should probably mention that I get whiny and bitchy when I'm tired. And every little thing, from the 30 minute delay in Detroit, to the 45 minute line for a taxi, was pissing me off.

I'm going to sleep. Thank you for letting me vent.

2 comments:

Gal aka SuperMommy said...

Vent away, girl. Being in NYC sure is making you tough, though! In case a year in Jerusalem with nudgy Israelis wasn't enough! ;) Don't forget your sense of humor. Love you.

Anonymous said...

Oh Tracybabe!

I know how overwhelming that place can be--I cried the first week I was there...and then when it came time for me to leave, I cried because I had to leave that place and those people. You WILL make friends there. You WILL make great memories. People WILL remember you, because honestly, what's not to like and remember? You are GREAT. Do you remember your freshman year at Mizzou? Do you remember how much you wanted to go home--to go to school in Indiana? Remember how you stayed at MU anyway and it turned out to be an awesome decision? That may have prepared you for this. You are so much stronger now and I know you can handle this. OUR God would never throw anything your direction that you couldn't take with everything in your being.

You are strong.

You are a survivor.

You WILL come out of this on the other side and say "HA!" to everyone who ever had doubts (including yourself) about your abilites to thrive in NYC.

You WILL make it.

(And I WILL continue to pray for you and thank OUR God every time I remember you.)

I love you.

<3 LEAH