Questions

My emotions are all over the place tonight. I just spent 20 minutes crying and I have no idea what caused the tears. I just sat back and let them flow.

I am trying to be good at this healthy lifestyle thing. I am taking my supplements and eating well and exercising and meditating and getting acupuncture. Sometimes it just seems like so much work. I know it's good work, work I need to be doing to elongate my life and evolve as a person; but sometimes I miss the old days, days where I wasn't worrying about calories and points values and when I can eat what. Days that weren't spent obsessing over food and forcing myself to exercise. Days where I didn't think twice about a tablespoon of olive oil, feel guilty about splurging on a kid's size Ben and Jerry's frozen yogurt cone, or debate the repercussions of skipping a day of exercise.

At what point does the obsession stop?

Will it ever stop?

There are certain times when this all seems so exhausting. Am I taking on too much? At what point does working towards good health for your body become unhealthy for your soul?

Wednesday Night Report #4

OK, so this week I weighed in on Thursday night, but whatever...

Down 1.2 lbs this week! Very exciting, considering I felt like I ate my way through New York City: pastas, a good steak, salads, a completely delicious (albeit artery clogging and probably heart-attack-inducing) corned beef sandwich, and the many delicious cookies and treats from bakeries in the city and in my soon-to-be new neighborhood. Hey, you only live once, right?

We did a ton of walking as we ran around Manhattan and Queens looking for apartments. I found a great one in Astoria, an adorable 1-bedroom in an even more adorable neighborhood. Anything I could need, want or desire is within walking distance, and my commute is a typical 40-minutes door-to-door. So excited and ready to move in NOW! The apartment is on the third floor of a building without an elevator, so it has the added bonus of a "stair-stepper" every time I come home for the day. Always a plus :)

I hadn't been to NYC since I auditioned at HUC in February 2007. I remember walking around the city, sluggish and overwhelmed by the fast pace. This time, however, while I was still very overwhelmed (especially close to our hotel near Madison Square Garden,) I was definitely able to keep up with the flow and pace of the city. I walked briskly past the crowds, not tired after 15 blocks, ready to keep going and see what more there was to see. It was an amazing feeling of knowing I am in good shape (or at least much better shape) and will be able to physically take on the hustle and bustle of the city once I move there in early-mid August. I don't know if I'd feel this confident about moving to such a city without being in the shape I'm in now.

And I have to mention the airplane ride...not only was I able to ride the plane without a seat belt extension (haven't needed one of those in awhile!) but I was able to actually pull on the excess seat belt to make it tighter around my hips! I know that most of you are thinking, "Big deal!", but to me, the ability to sit and wear a normal sized seat belt like a normal sized person is a HUGE deal. It is in moments like this where my hard work and dedication really pays off and I have a physical sign of my progress. As good as I look and feel now, there is nothing better than realizing these little moments and taking every one of them in.

BTW--my apartment is a real apartment and not a studio, so while it's small, I'll definitely have room for visitors if anyone is interested...and we can paint Astoria red when you get there!

79.6 lbs!

A good week, indeed :)

DISfigured

Found this on another fat blogger's website...

It's a trailer for a movie coming to DVD in July about 2 friends, one a fat woman and one a recovering anorexic. They meet in a fat-acceptance group. So excited to watch, and even more excited for the beautiful fat actresses who finally get a break in a movie.

Anyone want to have a viewing party?

http://www.disfiguredmovie.com/trailer.html

Too tired to write a real post...after a good night's sleep and some down time, I have lots to talk about...get excited!

A Pact

From this point forward, I will do the following to try to deal with my mom in the healthiest possible way:

I will take deep breaths and stay as calm as possible, even if her demands are more than I can handle.
I will know that she has everyone's best intentions in her heart.
I will continue to take time for myself and know that she can survive without me for a few hours, days, weeks or months.
I will remind myself everyday of how fortunate I am to have a mom who loves me and who wants to involve me in every detail of her life.
I will keep in mind her limitations and frustrations and try to pair them as best I can with my own limitations and frustrations.
I will laugh with her as much as possible and remember how joyful our time together so often is.
I will thank Gd everyday for the gift of family.
I will remember that in spite of everything, she is my mom and my best friend and the one person who knows me in ways unlike anyone else in the world.
I will write on this blog and try to meditate and/or pray when I need to vent frustrations and relax the anger bubbling inside of me.
I will remind myself that I am happy, healthy, and incredibly lucky, even when my mom or anyone else tries my patience.
I will forgive myself when my temper flares and allow myself to cry or yell when I need to.
I will lose myself in music, movies, exercise, study, or other healthy activities instead of turning to food for comfort.
I will continue to grow and evolve and learn with what Gd has so graciously given to me.
I will remember that my mom is the only mom I will ever have and that I am blessed to know her and to call her my mom.
And I will add to this list whatever I deem appropriate when the time arises.

I will remember that love and respect are the two greatest mitzvot one can do unto another, and let that be my guide from this point forward.

Selah.

Mom

Sometimes I just get so goddamned furious with you.
Sometimes I want to pretend I don't know you and never have to see you again.
Sometimes I wish for nothing more than to not be a part of you and to not let you be a part of me.
Sometimes I wish I had nothing to do with you, never knew you, never had to deal with you even once.

Grow up, mom, and a be a big girl for once in your life. Be the MOTHER in this family, not the child. Let me be a normal 25 year old and let Adam be a normal 22 year old. Let us have lives that don't include you, even if just for a few hours.

If you didn't want to go to New York with us tomorrow, all you had to do was say so when we asked if you wanted to go.
If you have a problem with the way your family treats you, tell them--don't tell us to tell them for you. I will never, EVER, tell your brother or sister to be nice to you--grow a pair and do it yourself.
If you have a problem or are angry with dad, call and bitch about it to him--not to us. We didn't marry him, we didn't decide to start a family, we didn't decide to put up with a miserable marriage for 23 years, we didn't agree to a divorce. YOU DID ALL OF THOSE THINGS YOURSELF. Take some accountability and realize your mistakes belong to no one but you.
If you don't want to fall anymore, if you don't want to hurt anymore, surrender your pride and use a walking stick or a cane to help you keep your balance and notice the stumbling blocks in your way before you trip over them. 99.9% of your accidents are preventable if you'd only just use the fucking stick. No one would think you were a 'retard' or a loser and no one would disrespect you--believe it or not, more people would respect you for trying to be independent and self-sustaining.

Do you know that it is because of you that I sometimes question my desires to have a family of my own? And it isn't because I don't love and want children--it is because I feel that if raising a child is anything like dealing with YOU, I want nothing to do with it.

I love you so, so much, mom. You know that. But you make it so hard for us to love you, so hard for us to want to do things for you and, some of the time, so hard for us to even be nice to you and treat you with the respect that you deserve. I so badly wish you would see with your heart and soul and mind instead of thinking you can only see with your eyes. I wish you could let us love you and respect you by being our mom instead of our child.

But, as the saying goes, "You can wish in one hand, and crap in the other...and see which gets filled first."

I wonder if you'll ever really get it.

I so badly need a good hug right now. I'm missing so many people from my Israel family, people that I know would give me what I really need right now. I need love, love that my mother can not provide because she is too consumed in her own needs.

Happiness...

"Happiness is anyone and anything at all that's loved by you."
~You're a Good Man Charlie Brown

I have been hungry all day long today--literally. From the time I woke up this morning until right now my body has wanted to do nothing but eat. I've been good about it, walking this morning and not going crazy and trying to only eat every couple of hours to maintain my latest eating schedule, which I am happy with. I'm sure this is due to being on the second day of my period, the worst and hardest of all the days of 'that time', so I'm trying to be gentle with myself and not worry too much about feeding my hungry body with healthy food.

Today while I was at Sams Club with my mom, one of the sample ladies stopped me to tell me how wonderful I looked. She's been at Sams for as long as I can remember, handing out samples with a smile and kind words and prayers for our entire family. Miss Addie, as we've come to call her, has seen both my brother and I grow up and feels like a member of our family. She always has something sweet to say about us before sending us off with a mouthful of cookie or pie and a word of thanks to Gd for having us in her life. She is too sweet for words and a truly wonderful soul.

Today, however, she mentioned something that I've never heard her mention before. She looked me in the eyes and said, "You just look so happy, and I thank Gd for that and for you." Walking away, her sweet and genuine words still ringing in my ears, I realized how right she was. For the first time in my life, I am truly and completely happy. Is everything in my life perfect? Of course not. But I am living a healthy life, full of exercise and good food and song and prayer and work and family and friends, and it hit me today just how lucky I am to be so happy and so fortunate. Not many people can say that they've found their calling and are working to make it happen. Not many people can say that they are living the healthiest life they can live at the moment. Not many people can say that they realize how special their gifts and blessings are.

But I can :)

As Miss Addie always reminds us, "Gd is watchin' over all of us and keepin' us safe. I don't know about y'all, but that's all I really need."

Amen to that, Miss Addie.

How lucky I am.

Quotes

A few wise words to start the weekend...

"There are two things to aim at in life; first to get what you want, and after that to enjoy it. Only the wisest of mankind has achieved the second."

-Logan Pearsall Smith

"The reason most people never reach their goals is that they don't define them, or ever seriously consider them as believable or achievable. Winners can tell you where they are going, what they plan to do along the way, and who will be sharing the adventure with them."

Denis Watley

"People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them."

George Bernard Shaw

"Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going."

Jim Ryun

"People become really quite remarkable when they start thinking that they can do things. When they believe in themselves they have the first secret of success."

Norman Vincent Peale

"To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream, not only plan, but also believe."

Anatole France