The Woman in the Mirror

This is going to sound strange, so I hope no one reads it the wrong way.

I have a strange fascination with other womens bodies. It's not at all a sexual thing, as I am not so intrigued by the naughty bits as I am with other parts of the female body.

I know it's normal for women to compare themselves to other women, but I sometimes wonder if I take it over the edge. I'm constantly watching women; the way they move, their shape, their ability to put their bodies/sexuality out there, how their bodies change with age, etc. Those things really do fascinate me.

OK, so my curiosity probably has something to do with the fact that I am indeed comparing myself to other women, trying to figure out if my body will ever look like that of women in my age bracket. At this point, I'm realizing that without major surgery, my body is going to look more like that of an alien than of a lovely young woman.

As strange as it feels to think this, I sometimes wish my body could return to what it was 100+ pounds ago. At least then, my curves were filled out, my boobs weren't saggy and gross, the dead skin of my thighs and arms didn't hang like chicken skin. I certainly didn't like my body then, but it was much less scary than it is right now.

It's funny how I wasn't happy then, and I'm still not happy now. Even with all I know my body can do and how it can move, on the outside it ain't pretty. As superficial as it may be to say, I wish it were.

At dinner with a friend last week, she mentioned that I'll probably need to have surgery to remove a lot of excess skin (and therefore, a lot of excess poundage.) 2 years ago, I never would have even thought about plastic surgery--suddenly, I'm obsessed with the idea.

I'm not looking for perfection, as I think perfection comes from the flaws that make people unique. It would be nice, however, to look at another 26 year old and think "Hey, I look somewhat like her." Right now, that's what I think whenever I the 80 year old Russian women I see at the gym.

I've heard acceptance comes with time and loving yourself. I'm working on the latter, but I've given the time thing quite a bit of...well, time. How much longer do I need to wait to feel as beautiful as people say I am? And how much more time will it take until I can look at my body and truly think that it is a beautiful creation made by God? I've discovered just what the INSIDES can do, but when will I feel as enamored by the outsides?

Someday?

Bad News, Good News, and a Little Revelation

Let's get the bad news out of the way first:

I've gained 3 lbs since coming home. It sucks, but I'm trying to keep in mind the 3 weddings and readjustment to suburban life and all the pleasures that come from coming home. It's no big deal, but it's a little bit of a bummer.

Now for some good news:

Thanks to my summer job, I have a free membership to the JCC for the summer. The J has just reopened after a massive remodeling job, and is completely new and high-tech, with amazing machines and the latest and greatest in fitness technology. It also offers all of the classes for free (a change from last summer, where a yoga class was $15.)

I got my membership card last Thursday, and have been back almost every day since. I'm trying to reshape my routine so that I don't fall into the same plateau that I fell into last summer--I've since learned that doing the same thing everyday doesn't really help much with weight loss. I'm trying to mix things up, doing intense cardio some days, classes some days (Zumba is my new favorite thing--who knew exercise could be fun???) and, as of today, a new routine on the weight machines. I also took yesterday off from the gym and took a long, fast walk with a friend around Forest Park. I want to try to move in some way every day and not get into any patterns so my body doesn't get too adjusted to an exercise routine.

And the revelation:

One thing that hit me during my walk yesterday (between huffs and puffs) was the simple joy that comes from moving my body. The abilities to walk and dance and run and lift and push and breathe and MOVE are ones that I now realize I need to thank God for. The body--my body--is a beautiful, amazing thing that works in incredible ways. It amazes me that I can now do all of these things to protect it and improve the wonders that already exist within it. To move is to LIVE, and I finally feel like I'm living the life I deserve to live, the life my body deserves to live.

Judaism teaches that every human being is created B'tzelem Elohim, in the image of God. Is there any better way to show love to God than to take care of the person created in God's likeness?

God's pretty good at this God thing, huh?

Blogaversary

It was really on March 27, but better late than never.

To commemorate the day (which I had not even realized, probably out of the craziness that was this awful semester) a sweet friend who's been following the blog since it's creation sent me the following email:

Hello Dear!

I just wanted to point out that 1 year ago today, you sent out this email [about your blog], sharing your (very personal) story with us, and I wanted to tell you 2 things.

1. You are so brave for letting all of us in and allowing us a chance to see this side of you that we never knew. You struggle with the same things that lots of us go through, but you are willing to put it out there and share with the rest of us. I wanted you to know how much I appreciate you doing this. Thank you!

2. You have come a long way, Baby! If you go back and read older posts and then read recent posts, your mentality has changed so much. This incredible journey that you are on will lead you in a good direction. You want to know how I know that? You are lead by God and not just selfish-human wants and desires, and that will take you so far in this life.

I love you, Friend.

She's so right, and I can't believe it's taken me 14 months to acknowledge it.

To my sweet friend who remembered even when I had forgotten, I love you. Thank you for your endless support and always appropriate words.

Thanks to all of you who read this and cheer me on, even when I can't cheer myself on.

I just got home from the most amazing walk ever. Just me, my iPod, some water, and 3+ miles of pavement. And the disgustingly humid STL summertime air, of course.

My new walking routine is HARD. It starts off easy, mostly flat and on sidewalks. Then it comes to a point where the sidewalks disappear due to construction, leaving me to either walk in the middle of the street or on the grassy, muddy areas next to where the sidewalks would be. To avoid potential death, I chose the grassy side. Then the hills begin--about 1 mile of going mostly uphill, with a few breaks for relief. Then, to complete the 3 miles, I have to walk past my house--just a little--but enough to leave me looking back longingly for my air-conditioned, vegetable-filled oasis.

I walked in the door this afternoon feeling so empowered and amazing. As I was walking, I thought back to last year, when the almost 2 flat miles seemed like the perfect and appropriate workout. Now, 40 pounds lighter, I return home knowing THIS walk is so much better for where I am now, and proud of myself for getting to this point. AND--knowing I could go further if I wanted to.

And I will, when I'm ready.

I'm excited to start working again, mostly so I can see if this same feeling rings true in the gym as well (my job comes with a free gym membership.)

I still sometimes have moments where I'm shocked at where I really am. Even now, 110 pounds thinner than I was when I began almost 2 years ago, I can't believe this lifestyle I'm living. There is a part of me that doesn't believe I am exercising daily and making food choices based on amounts of fiber and protein and nutrients (and ENJOYING it!) That said, it's hard to imagine life any other way. I don't even remember the times when I ate fast-food almost daily and would spend countless hours sitting on the couch. It's incredibly confusing, knowing that the person I was then is not the person I am now while simultaneously not believing this lifestyle I am actually leading. Is that even clear? Sigh.

For now, this is just a blip on my journey to who I am and where I'm going. The trip is kinda fun, actually...

An Interesting Observation

Whenever I'm home in St Louis, the first thing I do when walking in the door is head straight to the kitchen, walk into the pantry, and eat something. No matter where I returned from or what I was doing, the first thing I need to do when I get home is eat.

I noticed this for the first time yesterday, after walking through the door after both lunch and dinner, when I was perfectly satisfied food-wise. There was absolutely no reason for this mindless munching.

Must work on tweaking this habit. When I think about what I ate, I must have had at least 200 completely unnecessary calories each time.

I don't want to become a freak about this stuff, and if I'm hungry I'll eat--but I consider it a positive that I noticed the behavior and want to work to fix it. I also decided that I am not going to put a feeling behind the behavior.

No guilt allowed this summer.

Summer Goals

I've been so bad about keeping up with this blog this semester, for no reason other than the busy-ness factor. It's been an exhausting semester that's ended on several really wonderful notes: a productive and educational finals week, successful comprehensive exams, a beautiful concert and goodbye in South Bend, a choir concert in Albany, etc etc etc. All good things that helped make up for a really crappy semester.

I do have to admit, though, that through all the successes of the past 4 weeks, my diet has not been one of them. As we drove back from Albany last night, McDonalds ice cream cone in hand, I had the shocking realization that I was doing exactly what I didn't want to be doing. There I was, eating an ice cream cone, not even 2 hours after enjoying cake, a cookie, chocolate, fruit, etc. at the beautiful reception the temple threw after our concert. I bought that ice cream without the slightest thought that I a.) didn't need it and b.) didn't really want it that badly. I just bought it and ate it for no reason.

It was scary, because it was a return to the Tracy that I was 2 years ago. I realized last night that I've had a lot of those moments lately, and while they're not showing up on the scale right now, they eventually will. Therefore, my goal for the summer is to get myself back on track and back into my healthy, happy groove. In honor of my summer goal, I present a list of goals to strive for this summer:

1. Shop at the farmer's market as often as possible for the freshest and most delicious summer produce.
2. Continue my goal to eat all the produce without letting any go to waste.
3. GO TO THE GYM. My summer job provides me with a free membership (yay!) so I have no excuses for not getting my ass in gear.
4. Scrape up the money to work with a trainer, even if just a few times, to teach me how to properly use the weight machines. It's time to tone!
5. See a therapist if/when necessary to allievate the stress that comes with living at home.
6. Get back on my supplements (sorry Stef...I jumped off the bandwagon for awhile...but I'm ready to hop back on!)
7. Use this space to express myself and my successes and frustrations with the evolution of my best self.
7. Continue to be gentle with myself, forgiving mistakes and remembering that I am created betzelem Elohim (in the image of God) no matter how much I weigh.

Happy summertime!

-109

It amazes me that I've managed to lose weight this semester.

OK, so it's about 7 lbs (well, more like 12 I think, since I had to re-lose some weight I gained over the holidays.) It's not much, and I could have done better, but after the shitty semester I've had, I'm THRILLED with 7 lbs.

And I'm inspired to get back on track and keep going, which I haven't been in a long, long time.

We'll see what happens from here...but if I can lose weight through this, I can lose weight through anything.