Thursday, June 11, 2009

The Woman in the Mirror

This is going to sound strange, so I hope no one reads it the wrong way.

I have a strange fascination with other womens bodies. It's not at all a sexual thing, as I am not so intrigued by the naughty bits as I am with other parts of the female body.

I know it's normal for women to compare themselves to other women, but I sometimes wonder if I take it over the edge. I'm constantly watching women; the way they move, their shape, their ability to put their bodies/sexuality out there, how their bodies change with age, etc. Those things really do fascinate me.

OK, so my curiosity probably has something to do with the fact that I am indeed comparing myself to other women, trying to figure out if my body will ever look like that of women in my age bracket. At this point, I'm realizing that without major surgery, my body is going to look more like that of an alien than of a lovely young woman.

As strange as it feels to think this, I sometimes wish my body could return to what it was 100+ pounds ago. At least then, my curves were filled out, my boobs weren't saggy and gross, the dead skin of my thighs and arms didn't hang like chicken skin. I certainly didn't like my body then, but it was much less scary than it is right now.

It's funny how I wasn't happy then, and I'm still not happy now. Even with all I know my body can do and how it can move, on the outside it ain't pretty. As superficial as it may be to say, I wish it were.

At dinner with a friend last week, she mentioned that I'll probably need to have surgery to remove a lot of excess skin (and therefore, a lot of excess poundage.) 2 years ago, I never would have even thought about plastic surgery--suddenly, I'm obsessed with the idea.

I'm not looking for perfection, as I think perfection comes from the flaws that make people unique. It would be nice, however, to look at another 26 year old and think "Hey, I look somewhat like her." Right now, that's what I think whenever I the 80 year old Russian women I see at the gym.

I've heard acceptance comes with time and loving yourself. I'm working on the latter, but I've given the time thing quite a bit of...well, time. How much longer do I need to wait to feel as beautiful as people say I am? And how much more time will it take until I can look at my body and truly think that it is a beautiful creation made by God? I've discovered just what the INSIDES can do, but when will I feel as enamored by the outsides?


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