Dammit

What does a person with a normal, healthy weight do when they know they've had a bad diet week? When they know they've eaten way too much, exercised way too little, and have basically given up on the idea of healthy diet and lifestyle. Do they feel guilty, disappointed, terrible about themselves? Or do they just not care and know that life goes on, not caring about the calories or the consequences that eating those calories might have on the scale on Monday night?

This past week was a series of Israeli holidays ending with Yom Ha'atzmaut, Israeli Independence Day. It's been an emotional week, with a lot of tears and mourning and finally, celebration.

And I celebrated. Oh how I celebrated. Bags upon bags of potato chips at a BBQ, bites of quiches and cookies at a professor's party, an entire plate full of Mexican food after a day of doing nothing at the beach. I don't know what I was thinking, but I know that the phrase "Fuck this Weight Watchers thing" entered my mind more than once while I was overindulging.

And now I'm regretting it. Regretting the lack of self-control I demonstrated and the fact that I basically destroyed over a week of eating really, really healthfully.

I don't know if there will ever be a time where I can enjoy eating without feeling guilty over every bite. I think my grandpa basically ruined that for me when I was growing up. I'm sitting here, taking a break from my paper on Naomi Shemer, eating a plate of vegetable salad with balsamic vinegar and a drizzle (and I mean a drizzle) of olive oil, and I feel guilty about it because I ate a huge Shabbat lunch and will order something later for dinner. This guilt is sick and I am sick of it. I just want a normal relationship with food, though I have no idea what a "normal" relationship with food really is or how to achieve it. It's so depressing.

And I have to face the scale on Monday night--for the first time, I will probably hear the words, "You went up." And I will cry as if it were the most terrible thing in the world, which is ridiculous for so many reasons, especially because it really ISN'T the most terrible thing in the world--I know that better than anyone. There are certainly worse things than gaining a kilo, worse things than being fat, worse things than disappointing yourself in this small way.

Thank Gd I am going back to therapy when I get back to the States in 2 weeks.

Seriously though, tell me what normal people do when they eat badly--maybe if I start considering myself as normal, I can start thinking like a normal person.

Sickie

For the last week, I've been on the sore-throat-bad-cold-pinkeye-only-eating-what-my-body-is-
craving-because-that-is-what-it-obviously-needs diet.

A whole week of chicken soup, flavored herbal teas, sushi (strange craving while sick?) grapefruit juice, scrambled eggs and not much else.

I've also been craving protein a lot; chicken, eggs, tuna, nuts, etc. Weird.

It's getting to the point where I am feeling more and more pitiful when it comes to my illness. For over a week, I haven't been able to sing normally, pay attention in class, eat normal food, do a lot of the tons of work I have to do, or enjoy my last few weeks of the gorgeous Jerusalem springtime. All I want to do is curl up in bed with a good book or movie and sip tea as I take my over-the-counter drugs and pray for a r'fua sh'lema, a complete healing, to come upon me very soon.

Very rarely do I get sick like this; I'm the kind of sickie who keeps going, trying desperately not to succumb to her illness in order to live life as normal. It's hard, especially at points in the semester where there is more work to do than time to do it (like right now) to allow myself to take the time to stop, to heal, to rest. I feel as though I need to keep going and get everything on my list accomplished, despite what might be going on inside that is screaming at me to stop.

And sometimes, when I'm at my most pitiful, all I really want is someone who will take care of me. Someone who will bring me tea and sit with me and tell me that I'll be all better before too long. It sounds so cheesy, even for me, but it's times like this when I feel the most alone. I'm reminded that I only have myself to take care of myself, despite all the others around me who, if I could just ask, would be happy to help me. It's funny to me how I have seen, through losing weight this year, how supportive and helpful people are. And yet when it comes to asking for help in other areas of my life, it's so difficult for me to do--there's still such a part of me that needs to prove to everyone that I can do everything on my own, without help or support from anyone. Just like my dad--and his life is nothing to be especially proud of.

What does it take to open yourself up enough to ask for help, and to receive it happily, without feeling childish or incapable of helping yourself?

Monday Night Report #4

I lost another 2 kilos tonight! I am incredibly happy, given the fact that I basically forgot I was on a diet the entire week I was in Belarus for Passover. I did walk a lot while I was there, though, and I got right back on track as soon as I got back to Jerusalem, so I guess that helped. I was even good when we broke Passover at a great Italian restaurant downtown, eating a salad, a healthy pasta, and sorbet for dessert instead of the chocolate lava cake I really wanted. I've crossed over the 70 lb line, and I feel great about it.

Tonight at WW, I met a girl around my age who's giving the program a second chance after being away for a few months. She kept saying over and over again how the program is so much easier in the States, and how she always seems to feel hungry and unsatisfied on the Israeli WW program. She and I got to talking about the program, and she asked me what I was doing and how it was working for me. I gave her all the words of wisdom I could think of, such as:

• Eating your weight in vegetables and limited amounts of everything else; that way, you're not depriving yourself of anything, and eating plenty to keep yourself full and satisfied.
• Keeping healthy snack options around you all the time; whole cucumbers, cherry tomatoes, pretzels, almonds, rice cakes, etc.
• Learning to crave and enjoy healthy, fresh foods instead of pizza and fast food.
• Staying active, even if it means simply taking the stairs instead of the elevator in every building, or dancing to fast music alone in your bedroom (which I admit, I do on occasion...)
• Keeping a positive attitude and knowing in your heart that you CAN do it (even on those times when you swear up and down that it's impossible.)
  
• Telling everyone and anyone about the program and your success

The last point was one I really tried to emphasize. I never realized how much I needed help and support in my weight loss goals until this year. In the past, I was ashamed and embarrassed to even talk about my weight. Nowadays, I talk about it to anyone who is willing to listen: friends, family, professors, perfect strangers. It still amazes me how weight seems to be a topic that everyone can relate to, even those people who you'd never think had a problem or needed to worry about their weight. It also amazes me how much it helps to have support and encouragement...every time I want to give up, I think of all the people who love and are behind me, and I remember how good it feels when they tell me how good I look and how great I'm doing. There are definitely times where I don't feel those things for myself, so keeping them in my head helps to keep me on track and with the program.

And finally, I told her over and over again that I believe in her, and that she CAN do it if and when she is ready. I DO believe in her--I hope she believes enough in herself to make this and all of her other goals and aspirations come to fruition.

I'm behind her as much as so many of you are behind me, and it's a great position to be in.

I'm seriously considering joining the WW program in the States--not only as a member, but as a group leader. I think it would give me the opportunity to not only share my story and my struggles, but also to inspire and help others figure out just how beautiful they are, no matter how much they weigh.

-73 lbs and counting :-D

F**k you, SATC

I need to stop watching Sex and the City.

I watch SATC not only because it's my favorite TV show and I love it; I feel as though I have something to learn about the dating scene, sex, love, men, life, etc. It sounds so silly, I know--what can a real human being learn from fictional characters acting from a script? Probably nothing, though it's the one thing I have to teach me about real relationships.

I have never been in a real relationship with a guy. The thought of seriously dating someone, despite however much I may want it, scares the hell out of me. The thought of giving myself away-- emotionally, physically, mentally--doesn't really seem like something I am capable of.

I know why I am like this. Watching my parents try to keep their terrible marriage together for 23 years and then go through a long and messy divorce would be enough to keep anyone single. Witnessing my mother try over and over again to make my dad love her only to be disappointed was pitiful and heartbreaking. There is a part of me that thinks that if I love someone, I will end up like her; holding on to something so tight, merely for the fact that I can't stand to give up hope and let it go, only to be hurt and alone in the end. I DID end up like her once, with someone who never wanted me in the first place, though until recently I couldn't let go of the possibility.

So I choose to be single, I choose to put up my walls and not let anyone in. I choose to be alone and tell myself that I can be happy, with only myself, my friends and family, and my career to fulfill all my needs.

Except it's all bullshit--at least the part where I think I can go on without ever being in a relationship. I am at a point where I am beyond loneliness and self-pity. I want to experience the cheesy passion and romance and intimacy that comes from being in a relationship. I want someone to laugh with, someone to fight with, someone who can break through my walls and really understand me.

I am almost 26 years old. I have never had sex. I am the only one in my group of friends, without religious reasons, to be a virgin. And I hate it. It's embarrassing to me. But the thought of a man touching me, feeling my skin and curves and seeing all my flaws is even more terrifying to me than ending up like my mom. I continuously search for flaws on my body; scars, stretch marks, cellulite--all the physical signs that tell my story yet seem so ugly to me. I have convinced myself that no man could ever find me attractive or beautiful or sexy and that is why I really put up my walls. Whenever I meet a great guy, I automatically rule out any possibility of him actually finding me attractive not only because of how much I weigh, but because of the blemishes that make me who I am. It's easier to just pretend I'm not interested and throw up my brick wall.

I am trying so hard to love myself and my body right now, but it seems impossible when it comes to allowing the opposite sex to love me as well. In times like this, I know it's not about how much I weigh or what I look like; it's all in my head. And as many times as I try to convince myself that I am attractive to men, it just leaves me feeling like the fat girl who is trying desperately to convince herself that maybe someday, a man WILL love her.

I guess I'm not to the point yet where I truly love who I am, inside and out. I know I'm a great person who is more than capable of loving a man with my whole heart--but can I let someone else love me? How do I let myself be 100% madly, truly, deeply loved by a member of the male race? I thought the answer was losing weight, and maybe I haven't lost enough yet to really feel confident with my body, but now I'm realizing that maybe it's my head more than the number on the scale.

And I don't know how to get past it.

It seems like such a silly, stupid reason to stay alone for the rest of my life. And it scares the shit out of me.

I need to stop watching Sex and the City.

Monday Night Report #3 (on Wednesday)

Happy to report that I went down a kilo this week, and earned my 5th WW star! In Israel, you earn a gold star every time you lose 5 kilograms, or 11 lbs. My group leader made a big deal of it, which was awesome, and the whole room was cheering and clapping for me. It was a really special way to be recognized for my hard work. Thank Gd I have this amazing community that has helped me through the last 10 months.

Every time you earn a gold star at a WW meeting, the leader asks you to share some tips about how you've managed to reach your star. I feel like I'm running out of things to say, so I thanked the community for their help and guidance. I thought about telling the group about this blog, about sharing it with them and allowing them to read my thoughts and contribute their own; the problem is that many of these women are ultra-Orthodox and might be offended by what I have to say. It's a tough decision, because the last thing I want to do is offend anyone, particularly those who have been so helpful to me--but at the same time, I feel like it is a safe community to share my thoughts with. I guess I'll keep thinking about it.

Because she knows I am returning to the States in a mere 6 weeks, she also asked me if I thought dieting would be easier back home, back in my everyday society and with the foods I grew up eating. I quickly told her 'no', since the produce in Israel is so delicious, I eat very little meat here, walk almost everywhere I go, and keep many processed and deep-fried foods out of the house. When I get back to America, I'll be moving back to my mom's house in St Louis. Though she needs to eat healthy for her own health issues, my mother is known to keep potato chips, chocolate, and other horrible things in the house (for her 'cravings', as she calls them.) She also loves to eat out, and we eat out more times in a week than I care to admit. Thank goodness my little brother just joined WW, so we'll be spending the summer counting points, shopping at the farmer's market for amazing summer tomatoes and peaches, and venting to each other about how much dieting really sucks sometimes.

Anyways, the five gold stars I've earned, paired with the 14 or so pounds I lost before I joined WW comes to a total of 68.8 lbs. Pretty damn cool.

My goal is to earn 1 more star before I leave Israel...wish me luck!

Monday Night Report #2

I stayed the same this week. The scale was pretty nice to me considering all the crap I ate this week--pasta waaaaay too many times, pesto, gallons of olive oil (I tend to forget that it has calories...), the delicious brunch at Timol Shilshom on Friday morning, half a package of brownies leftover from Shabbat, etc etc etc. Basically carbs and fat. Terrific. Go me.

It's always disappointing to me when I stay the same, even though everyone says it happens sometimes. To me, it's as bad as gaining weight, because I know I could have done better. I think that's the voice of Grandpa Sid talking in my ear, telling me that I should have lost weight, because I didn't join WW to stay the same, I joined it to lose. I guess my disappointment is a combination of my own guilt mixed with the shame of having to tell people I didn't lose--a flashback to the disappointment I caused to Grandpa when I wasn't successful in what he wanted.

It's also a new kind of disappointment, since I now want to lose weight more for me than for anyone else. I let myself down more than I did others, and it really hurts.

I guess it's just an example of how determined I am, how much I want this. I WILL get there, I WILL keep trying, and I WILL succeed.

Just not tonight, I guess.

Superficiality

Sometimes all of this weight stuff seems so silly and superficial to me. Yes, I know I need to lose weight for my overall health and well-being, and there have been more than a few times where I've admired myself lovingly in the mirror, thinking, "Damn I look good, and damn I'll just keep looking better!" But really, for many people in the world (especially women), weight loss is merely something they do to look better to the world at large and to the people in their own worlds. It doesn't always make sense to me--even after a lifetime of cruel words and hurtful glances and painful rejection--how people feel the need to change themselves to such an extent merely to succumb to the superficial world around them. In a way, I want to say FUCK YOU to the world; maybe that's a reason I've kept this weight with me as long as I have. To say that I don't need to conform, don't need to fall into the trap of being one of those women with tiny waists and huge boobs who obsess over every calorie so they don't become unattractive to the world around them. To prove to the world that I am more than a number. I think America Ferrera's character in Real Women Have Curves put it best when she said,

"I do want to lose weight, but a part of me doesn't because my weight says to everybody fuck you...how dare anybody try to tell me what I should look like or what I should be when there's so much more to me than just my weight."

I wish so badly that these women and the men who run after them would stop and think about what is going on INSIDE their bodies instead of just what is present on the OUTSIDE. I'm not just talking about intelligence; they have functioning, healthy bodies that they are destroying so they can appear attractive to society. It's disgusting and so sad to me--thinking about how people with health conditions yearn just to have normal, working bodies, and how others will risk their perfect health and bodies just to appear beautiful. Yet another reason why I will tell my children over and over again how perfect and wonderful they are despite whatever might go on inside or outside of their bodies. All people are beautiful, despite what society does or says--if they would just believe that, maybe this ridiculous obsession with appearance would end.

I thank Gd everyday for those people who see beauty in everyone; I've been blessed with a lot of them lately, and they inspire me every single day. I wouldn't be writing this blog without your help and inspiration, and I surely wouldn't have gotten this far in my weight loss or personal growth without you. I love you.