Thursday, April 24, 2008

F**k you, SATC

I need to stop watching Sex and the City.

I watch SATC not only because it's my favorite TV show and I love it; I feel as though I have something to learn about the dating scene, sex, love, men, life, etc. It sounds so silly, I know--what can a real human being learn from fictional characters acting from a script? Probably nothing, though it's the one thing I have to teach me about real relationships.

I have never been in a real relationship with a guy. The thought of seriously dating someone, despite however much I may want it, scares the hell out of me. The thought of giving myself away-- emotionally, physically, mentally--doesn't really seem like something I am capable of.

I know why I am like this. Watching my parents try to keep their terrible marriage together for 23 years and then go through a long and messy divorce would be enough to keep anyone single. Witnessing my mother try over and over again to make my dad love her only to be disappointed was pitiful and heartbreaking. There is a part of me that thinks that if I love someone, I will end up like her; holding on to something so tight, merely for the fact that I can't stand to give up hope and let it go, only to be hurt and alone in the end. I DID end up like her once, with someone who never wanted me in the first place, though until recently I couldn't let go of the possibility.

So I choose to be single, I choose to put up my walls and not let anyone in. I choose to be alone and tell myself that I can be happy, with only myself, my friends and family, and my career to fulfill all my needs.

Except it's all bullshit--at least the part where I think I can go on without ever being in a relationship. I am at a point where I am beyond loneliness and self-pity. I want to experience the cheesy passion and romance and intimacy that comes from being in a relationship. I want someone to laugh with, someone to fight with, someone who can break through my walls and really understand me.

I am almost 26 years old. I have never had sex. I am the only one in my group of friends, without religious reasons, to be a virgin. And I hate it. It's embarrassing to me. But the thought of a man touching me, feeling my skin and curves and seeing all my flaws is even more terrifying to me than ending up like my mom. I continuously search for flaws on my body; scars, stretch marks, cellulite--all the physical signs that tell my story yet seem so ugly to me. I have convinced myself that no man could ever find me attractive or beautiful or sexy and that is why I really put up my walls. Whenever I meet a great guy, I automatically rule out any possibility of him actually finding me attractive not only because of how much I weigh, but because of the blemishes that make me who I am. It's easier to just pretend I'm not interested and throw up my brick wall.

I am trying so hard to love myself and my body right now, but it seems impossible when it comes to allowing the opposite sex to love me as well. In times like this, I know it's not about how much I weigh or what I look like; it's all in my head. And as many times as I try to convince myself that I am attractive to men, it just leaves me feeling like the fat girl who is trying desperately to convince herself that maybe someday, a man WILL love her.

I guess I'm not to the point yet where I truly love who I am, inside and out. I know I'm a great person who is more than capable of loving a man with my whole heart--but can I let someone else love me? How do I let myself be 100% madly, truly, deeply loved by a member of the male race? I thought the answer was losing weight, and maybe I haven't lost enough yet to really feel confident with my body, but now I'm realizing that maybe it's my head more than the number on the scale.

And I don't know how to get past it.

It seems like such a silly, stupid reason to stay alone for the rest of my life. And it scares the shit out of me.

I need to stop watching Sex and the City.

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