Sometimes all of this weight stuff seems so silly and superficial to me. Yes, I know I need to lose weight for my overall health and well-being, and there have been more than a few times where I've admired myself lovingly in the mirror, thinking, "Damn I look good, and damn I'll just keep looking better!" But really, for many people in the world (especially women), weight loss is merely something they do to look better to the world at large and to the people in their own worlds. It doesn't always make sense to me--even after a lifetime of cruel words and hurtful glances and painful rejection--how people feel the need to change themselves to such an extent merely to succumb to the superficial world around them. In a way, I want to say FUCK YOU to the world; maybe that's a reason I've kept this weight with me as long as I have. To say that I don't need to conform, don't need to fall into the trap of being one of those women with tiny waists and huge boobs who obsess over every calorie so they don't become unattractive to the world around them. To prove to the world that I am more than a number. I think America Ferrera's character in Real Women Have Curves put it best when she said,
"I do want to lose weight, but a part of me doesn't because my weight says to everybody fuck you...how dare anybody try to tell me what I should look like or what I should be when there's so much more to me than just my weight."
I wish so badly that these women and the men who run after them would stop and think about what is going on INSIDE their bodies instead of just what is present on the OUTSIDE. I'm not just talking about intelligence; they have functioning, healthy bodies that they are destroying so they can appear attractive to society. It's disgusting and so sad to me--thinking about how people with health conditions yearn just to have normal, working bodies, and how others will risk their perfect health and bodies just to appear beautiful. Yet another reason why I will tell my children over and over again how perfect and wonderful they are despite whatever might go on inside or outside of their bodies. All people are beautiful, despite what society does or says--if they would just believe that, maybe this ridiculous obsession with appearance would end.
I thank Gd everyday for those people who see beauty in everyone; I've been blessed with a lot of them lately, and they inspire me every single day. I wouldn't be writing this blog without your help and inspiration, and I surely wouldn't have gotten this far in my weight loss or personal growth without you. I love you.