My mom's been really, really sick over the last couple of months. She's having intense swelling in both legs (so bad that none of her pants or shoes will fit) and is having trouble breathing and doing normal, everyday things. Her doctors have given her a myriad of tests, all of which have come back completely normal, and no one has any idea what's going on with her. I tried to call her internist to ask him to call me back, and it's apparently very hard to leave a voicemail for a doctor.
She's unstable and very depressed and scared about what's happening to her.
She called me crying this afternoon, after my brother got frustrated and took it out on her. He goes back to school tomorrow, leaving her all alone for the next 3 weeks until he graduates.
Since her phone call around 4:00 this afternoon, I've been eating myself silly. I was literally shoving my dinner (albeit, a healthy one) down my throat, and ate way too much too fast causing myself to feel sick and bloated.
I notice that I react to bad things using food. But how can I stop it?
Please pray for my mama, and that we all have the strength to get through this without hurting ourselves or each other.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Frustrations
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I've been in such a funk lately, for no real reason at all. Things at school are going well, I'm being productive and am somewhat caught up on all the work I need to do for the week. I've spent lots of time with friends and myself this weekend, and I feel rejuvenated and ready for a short but busy week.
I just can't seem to shake whatever this is.
I think it's partially because of the holiday season looming over us, and maybe because it's already so cold in NYC. I always get lonely around the holidays, especially ones where I can't be with my family. I complain a lot about bring with them around Thanksgiving--as there is always the great debate over who's house to go to--but whenever I'm not home I miss the crazy but wonderful people that make up my family. I'm going to DC this year to be with Steph and her family, which I know will be wonderful. It just won't be home, and that kind of makes me sad.
I'm also finding it really hard to be on the dating scene right now. So many of the guys I've met are just not what I'm looking for, and I'm starting to lose hope that there is someone out there for me. I keep going back and forth on so many questions that sometimes seem so important and at other times seem so petty: Am I allowed to judge these men so harshly? Why shouldn't I have high standards, I'm pretty amazing! Why is it that only the losers--the guys with no jobs or apartments or hopes or dreams-- seem to want to date me? And do they want to date any woman who gives them attention, or do they target the ones that they think are less than perfect, like me? Are my issues really more about me than about them? Is this my own neurosis talking?
And, the most re-occuring and frustrating question:
Why won't Mr. Beshert just fall into my lap already???
The more time I spend in the dating world, the less excited I am to be a part of it.
I so badly want to wake up in the morning and see myself as a beautiful creature. I want to see what others see and know in my bones that they're right. I want to project that self-assurance onto the world and allow that positive energy to attract the positive energy of Mr. Beshert.
Is it possible to find love without it?
I know that every single one of the aforementioned questions is coming from my own insecurities and doubts. I know that I'll never get what I really want until I acknowledge that I deserve it. It's really, really hard to get to that place when you have no idea how to find it.
I've been in such a funk lately, for no real reason at all. Things at school are going well, I'm being productive and am somewhat caught up on all the work I need to do for the week. I've spent lots of time with friends and myself this weekend, and I feel rejuvenated and ready for a short but busy week.
I just can't seem to shake whatever this is.
I think it's partially because of the holiday season looming over us, and maybe because it's already so cold in NYC. I always get lonely around the holidays, especially ones where I can't be with my family. I complain a lot about bring with them around Thanksgiving--as there is always the great debate over who's house to go to--but whenever I'm not home I miss the crazy but wonderful people that make up my family. I'm going to DC this year to be with Steph and her family, which I know will be wonderful. It just won't be home, and that kind of makes me sad.
I'm also finding it really hard to be on the dating scene right now. So many of the guys I've met are just not what I'm looking for, and I'm starting to lose hope that there is someone out there for me. I keep going back and forth on so many questions that sometimes seem so important and at other times seem so petty: Am I allowed to judge these men so harshly? Why shouldn't I have high standards, I'm pretty amazing! Why is it that only the losers--the guys with no jobs or apartments or hopes or dreams-- seem to want to date me? And do they want to date any woman who gives them attention, or do they target the ones that they think are less than perfect, like me? Are my issues really more about me than about them? Is this my own neurosis talking?
And, the most re-occuring and frustrating question:
Why won't Mr. Beshert just fall into my lap already???
The more time I spend in the dating world, the less excited I am to be a part of it.
I so badly want to wake up in the morning and see myself as a beautiful creature. I want to see what others see and know in my bones that they're right. I want to project that self-assurance onto the world and allow that positive energy to attract the positive energy of Mr. Beshert.
Is it possible to find love without it?
I know that every single one of the aforementioned questions is coming from my own insecurities and doubts. I know that I'll never get what I really want until I acknowledge that I deserve it. It's really, really hard to get to that place when you have no idea how to find it.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Untangling Knots
102 pounds. It's been almost a week since I've discovered that number, and it still feels strange on my tongue. That is a hell of a lot of weight off my shoulders--literally.
On one hand, it feels good to say it. On another, it's shameful--in that I used to weigh well over 300 pounds, in that it's only a portion of what still needs to come off, in that I used to be someone so different from who I am now.
It's a huge accomplishment, no doubt, and I'm thrilled to pieces that I've gotten here. But it's still hard for me to acknowledge it and fully take pride in what I've worked so hard for.
I've been struggling this week see what so many other people see when they look at me. It's so strange knowing that I see myself in such a very different way; when I look in the mirror, I see the Tracy from June 2007. I see the rolls and the lumps and bumps that still remain rather than the transformation from what was. When people see me and say, "you're so skinny!" I almost have to laugh as I think, "Are you kidding me?"
At some point, I will have to acknowledge the fact that physically I am not who I used to be. No longer am I the girl who can't cross her legs. No longer am I the girl who has to cringe at the idea of someone sitting next to me in a theater or on the train, knowing that because of my size, we'd both be uncomfortable. No longer do I need to look automatically to the biggest size in the store (unless I'm looking in a non-plus-size store, which I'm slowly starting to do--haven't bought anything yet, but I'll keep you posted on how it goes...) My brain and my eyes can't keep up with my body, and neither has realized that my body is no longer what it used to be.
Even my singing hasn't come to terms with my body as it is now. I'm running into problems with my singing posture because of the weight that is no longer there. My frame and muscles, which have been conditioned to carry a lot more weight than they are now, don't realize all that weight is gone. My posture is drooping and prevents my diaphragm from filling with enough air, which causes all kinds of new issues with my singing. The solid foundation to the tone that the weight used to give me is leaving me with every pound I lose. My voice teacher recommended I study Alexander Technique or Feldenkreis, both of which I'm looking into even though I don't actually understand what either of them does or how they work. We'll see what happens.
My entire body is changing, and slightly freaking out about it.
My head is torn in two right now, one half fully realizing my new, good habits and the other, not able to see or accept where these good habits have brought me.
It's a weird place to be in.
Fully aware of my accomplishments, but wondering if I've ever be able to embrace them the way I want to.
Wondering if my eyes will ever agree with what I know in my soul--that my body is a beautiful thing on the inside and out.
How I wish my eyes would see already.
You know the old adage, "Be careful what you wish for, 'cause it might come true?" It makes a lot of sense, considering that the farther I go on this journey and the more weight I lose, the more knots I end up needing to untangle. I guess that's par for the course, and hopefully untangling these knots now means I'll never have to untangle them ever again. Maybe it's untangling the knots that leads us on the road to full and complete recovery from any additiction or bad habit. Or maybe it helps us build character and strengthen our hands and minds. Or maybe it just makes for a lot of good conversations between ourselves and God.
All I know is that I continue to be amazed, in both good and bad ways, by the amount of tzurris that comes with getting exactly what you've always dreamed of.
On one hand, it feels good to say it. On another, it's shameful--in that I used to weigh well over 300 pounds, in that it's only a portion of what still needs to come off, in that I used to be someone so different from who I am now.
It's a huge accomplishment, no doubt, and I'm thrilled to pieces that I've gotten here. But it's still hard for me to acknowledge it and fully take pride in what I've worked so hard for.
I've been struggling this week see what so many other people see when they look at me. It's so strange knowing that I see myself in such a very different way; when I look in the mirror, I see the Tracy from June 2007. I see the rolls and the lumps and bumps that still remain rather than the transformation from what was. When people see me and say, "you're so skinny!" I almost have to laugh as I think, "Are you kidding me?"
At some point, I will have to acknowledge the fact that physically I am not who I used to be. No longer am I the girl who can't cross her legs. No longer am I the girl who has to cringe at the idea of someone sitting next to me in a theater or on the train, knowing that because of my size, we'd both be uncomfortable. No longer do I need to look automatically to the biggest size in the store (unless I'm looking in a non-plus-size store, which I'm slowly starting to do--haven't bought anything yet, but I'll keep you posted on how it goes...) My brain and my eyes can't keep up with my body, and neither has realized that my body is no longer what it used to be.
Even my singing hasn't come to terms with my body as it is now. I'm running into problems with my singing posture because of the weight that is no longer there. My frame and muscles, which have been conditioned to carry a lot more weight than they are now, don't realize all that weight is gone. My posture is drooping and prevents my diaphragm from filling with enough air, which causes all kinds of new issues with my singing. The solid foundation to the tone that the weight used to give me is leaving me with every pound I lose. My voice teacher recommended I study Alexander Technique or Feldenkreis, both of which I'm looking into even though I don't actually understand what either of them does or how they work. We'll see what happens.
My entire body is changing, and slightly freaking out about it.
My head is torn in two right now, one half fully realizing my new, good habits and the other, not able to see or accept where these good habits have brought me.
It's a weird place to be in.
Fully aware of my accomplishments, but wondering if I've ever be able to embrace them the way I want to.
Wondering if my eyes will ever agree with what I know in my soul--that my body is a beautiful thing on the inside and out.
How I wish my eyes would see already.
You know the old adage, "Be careful what you wish for, 'cause it might come true?" It makes a lot of sense, considering that the farther I go on this journey and the more weight I lose, the more knots I end up needing to untangle. I guess that's par for the course, and hopefully untangling these knots now means I'll never have to untangle them ever again. Maybe it's untangling the knots that leads us on the road to full and complete recovery from any additiction or bad habit. Or maybe it helps us build character and strengthen our hands and minds. Or maybe it just makes for a lot of good conversations between ourselves and God.
All I know is that I continue to be amazed, in both good and bad ways, by the amount of tzurris that comes with getting exactly what you've always dreamed of.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Elation!!
Immediately after my last post this morning, I decided to take the plunge and go buy a scale. I ran to the drugstore before I could give it a second thought and ran home and ripped it out of the box. I (of course) went to the bathroom and stripped down to as little as possible, and with my heart racing I stepped on and prepared for the worst.
And then I saw the number.
The smallest I've ever seen in relation to my body.
I've crossed over the 80lb line.
I've crossed over the 90lb line.
And, I'm very excited to tell you...
I CROSSED THE 100LB LINE!!!!
Almost 102 lbs lost. 17.8 lbs lost since moving to NY. 6 pounds a month, which is very healthy and stable.
WOOOOOOHOOOOOO!!!
I am so relieved and so excited and ready to jump on this bandwagon again. I can do it, and even when I didn't think I could, I did! I'm so excited it's almost pathetic.
No Weight Watchers, no expensive gym memberships, no classes on healthy eating and lifestyle. Just me and my own intuition and body, guiding me and moving me forward at the perfect pace.
I also like to give God some of the credit, and maybe Tikva, too? Thanks guys :)
And thanks to all of you for being my continued support. Much, MUCH love to all of you. Cheers to another milestone!!
And then I saw the number.
The smallest I've ever seen in relation to my body.
I've crossed over the 80lb line.
I've crossed over the 90lb line.
And, I'm very excited to tell you...
I CROSSED THE 100LB LINE!!!!
Almost 102 lbs lost. 17.8 lbs lost since moving to NY. 6 pounds a month, which is very healthy and stable.
WOOOOOOHOOOOOO!!!
I am so relieved and so excited and ready to jump on this bandwagon again. I can do it, and even when I didn't think I could, I did! I'm so excited it's almost pathetic.
No Weight Watchers, no expensive gym memberships, no classes on healthy eating and lifestyle. Just me and my own intuition and body, guiding me and moving me forward at the perfect pace.
I also like to give God some of the credit, and maybe Tikva, too? Thanks guys :)
And thanks to all of you for being my continued support. Much, MUCH love to all of you. Cheers to another milestone!!
The Runaround
The last 2 weeks have been such a test of my mental and physical capabilities. Midterm season at HUC is intense, and topped off with a pulpit visit and the prospective-student open house I was involved in, I have been in a continuous state of exhaustion.
And in case you didn't already assume or figure it out:
Continuous exhaustion=Tracy eats all of the food in front of her and then some and wants to do nothing but lay in bed or on the couch all day long.
It's quite the happy place to be.
It helps that I don't keep junk in the house. Upon her visit to my apartment, Steph couldn't stop remarking on how much my eating habits have changed since she first met me in Israel last year. It really is true that the artificial and fat-laden foods that once lived in my cabinets have now been replaced by natural, organic (when I can afford it) and healthy snacks and meal options. It's progress, definite progress, but unless I change how I eat outside of my apartment, it isn't enough.
I sometimes feel as though HUC is continuously trying to sabatoge my efforts to eat healthy. Bagels twice a week, pizza at least once a week, marble cake all the freakin' time, random leftovers all the time, etc. It's SO TEMPTING to not schlep my homemade and healthy salads and soups to school in favor of eating the crap that's always around. On days when I wake up late and I'm running around just trying to get to school on time and in one piece, it's so much easier to know that I'll have something to eat waiting for me instead of packing a lunch.
It's also not easy to go to South Bend and request healthy food. I usually recieve an email of some sort before I arrive at someone's house for dinner, asking if I have any allergies or special food requests. I ALWAYS respond with, "I prefer very healthy food, lots of fruits and vegetables and lean proteins." It's amazing how many of my congregants don't seem to pay attention and serve me 4-cheese risotto for dinner. It's so sweet and wonderful of them to invite me over, and I so very much appreciate the gesture that I can't so much as say no. I try to eat small portions and eat lightly whenever I'm on my own, but it's so easy to derail and then feel awful about it.
I can tell that my resolve is weakening, that my balance scale is slowly starting to lean in the wrong direction. I'm thinking that I should either get back on the WW bandwagon (even though I really don't have the time right now) or take the plunge and buy a scale for my apartment (which I am terrified to do for a number of reasons.) I need something to keep me on track, especially through the holiday season and the mass quantities of food I know I'll consume.
Do you have any ideas for staying on top of things?
On the upside, I just had another date with another guy who really wants to see me again. I'm actually kinda into this one, who is very into taking things slowly (the date ended with a kiss on the cheek, which is what really sold me into seeing him again...how cute was that?) I'm not sure where it's going, but I'm excited to see...I'll keep you posted.
What the hell is going on here? It's so strange to think that men are attracted to me...it's never really happened before and I'm not sure I know how to handle it. Weird.
And in case you didn't already assume or figure it out:
Continuous exhaustion=Tracy eats all of the food in front of her and then some and wants to do nothing but lay in bed or on the couch all day long.
It's quite the happy place to be.
It helps that I don't keep junk in the house. Upon her visit to my apartment, Steph couldn't stop remarking on how much my eating habits have changed since she first met me in Israel last year. It really is true that the artificial and fat-laden foods that once lived in my cabinets have now been replaced by natural, organic (when I can afford it) and healthy snacks and meal options. It's progress, definite progress, but unless I change how I eat outside of my apartment, it isn't enough.
I sometimes feel as though HUC is continuously trying to sabatoge my efforts to eat healthy. Bagels twice a week, pizza at least once a week, marble cake all the freakin' time, random leftovers all the time, etc. It's SO TEMPTING to not schlep my homemade and healthy salads and soups to school in favor of eating the crap that's always around. On days when I wake up late and I'm running around just trying to get to school on time and in one piece, it's so much easier to know that I'll have something to eat waiting for me instead of packing a lunch.
It's also not easy to go to South Bend and request healthy food. I usually recieve an email of some sort before I arrive at someone's house for dinner, asking if I have any allergies or special food requests. I ALWAYS respond with, "I prefer very healthy food, lots of fruits and vegetables and lean proteins." It's amazing how many of my congregants don't seem to pay attention and serve me 4-cheese risotto for dinner. It's so sweet and wonderful of them to invite me over, and I so very much appreciate the gesture that I can't so much as say no. I try to eat small portions and eat lightly whenever I'm on my own, but it's so easy to derail and then feel awful about it.
I can tell that my resolve is weakening, that my balance scale is slowly starting to lean in the wrong direction. I'm thinking that I should either get back on the WW bandwagon (even though I really don't have the time right now) or take the plunge and buy a scale for my apartment (which I am terrified to do for a number of reasons.) I need something to keep me on track, especially through the holiday season and the mass quantities of food I know I'll consume.
Do you have any ideas for staying on top of things?
On the upside, I just had another date with another guy who really wants to see me again. I'm actually kinda into this one, who is very into taking things slowly (the date ended with a kiss on the cheek, which is what really sold me into seeing him again...how cute was that?) I'm not sure where it's going, but I'm excited to see...I'll keep you posted.
What the hell is going on here? It's so strange to think that men are attracted to me...it's never really happened before and I'm not sure I know how to handle it. Weird.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
I know, it's been too long since I've last posted. You have no idea the craziness that has been my life the last 2 weeks. I am in such desperate need for a long break, with no homework, no services, no singing, no organizing, no running...just me and my couch and my TV, or me and a beautiful day and a nice walk, or me and a good coffee and a book that I want to read for fun.
I so need a good night's sleep. I haven't had one of those in waaaaay too long.
Today has been the day of eating like there's no tomorrow. Healthy food, yes, but waaaaay too much of it. I feel like a freakin' garbage disposal that never fills up.
I thought last year was a good lesson in eating well and exercising even through stress. Last year seemed like such a breeze compared to now.
I'm tired and cranky and I'm going to save my real thoughts for this weekend, when I'll actually have some time to give us both a legit post.
Back to nusach instead of my bed, where I should be.
I so need a good night's sleep. I haven't had one of those in waaaaay too long.
Today has been the day of eating like there's no tomorrow. Healthy food, yes, but waaaaay too much of it. I feel like a freakin' garbage disposal that never fills up.
I thought last year was a good lesson in eating well and exercising even through stress. Last year seemed like such a breeze compared to now.
I'm tired and cranky and I'm going to save my real thoughts for this weekend, when I'll actually have some time to give us both a legit post.
Back to nusach instead of my bed, where I should be.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
