Sunday, November 23, 2008


I don't know what's wrong with me.

I've been in such a funk lately, for no real reason at all. Things at school are going well, I'm being productive and am somewhat caught up on all the work I need to do for the week. I've spent lots of time with friends and myself this weekend, and I feel rejuvenated and ready for a short but busy week.

I just can't seem to shake whatever this is.

I think it's partially because of the holiday season looming over us, and maybe because it's already so cold in NYC. I always get lonely around the holidays, especially ones where I can't be with my family. I complain a lot about bring with them around Thanksgiving--as there is always the great debate over who's house to go to--but whenever I'm not home I miss the crazy but wonderful people that make up my family. I'm going to DC this year to be with Steph and her family, which I know will be wonderful. It just won't be home, and that kind of makes me sad.

I'm also finding it really hard to be on the dating scene right now. So many of the guys I've met are just not what I'm looking for, and I'm starting to lose hope that there is someone out there for me. I keep going back and forth on so many questions that sometimes seem so important and at other times seem so petty: Am I allowed to judge these men so harshly? Why shouldn't I have high standards, I'm pretty amazing! Why is it that only the losers--the guys with no jobs or apartments or hopes or dreams-- seem to want to date me? And do they want to date any woman who gives them attention, or do they target the ones that they think are less than perfect, like me? Are my issues really more about me than about them? Is this my own neurosis talking?

And, the most re-occuring and frustrating question:
Why won't Mr. Beshert just fall into my lap already???

The more time I spend in the dating world, the less excited I am to be a part of it.

I so badly want to wake up in the morning and see myself as a beautiful creature. I want to see what others see and know in my bones that they're right. I want to project that self-assurance onto the world and allow that positive energy to attract the positive energy of Mr. Beshert.

Is it possible to find love without it?

I know that every single one of the aforementioned questions is coming from my own insecurities and doubts. I know that I'll never get what I really want until I acknowledge that I deserve it. It's really, really hard to get to that place when you have no idea how to find it.

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