Monday, October 13, 2008


I keep thinking about what I wrote in my last post, about how I see something completely different when I look at myself than how others see me. Life keeps throwing all these signs at me, like the saleslady this morning who said, "oh, there's no way you could be a size 22--no way!" or the pair of size 18 pants I bought. I just can't wrap my head around the fact that my body is shrinking to sizes I never thought I'd fit into, to numbers I never knew I could reach.

Why is it so hard for me to believe what is happening? I know I'm following the rules (at least I am now that the holidays are over and I'm back in NYC.)
Why is it so hard for me to see myself as skinnier now, even though the numbers prove it time and time again?
Why did I believe it so easily last year? What was so different that made everything so much clearer?

Body dysmorphia is a strange thing.

On an entirely different note, the guy I broke up with last week just sent me an e-card saying he'd like to talk to me. Why he didn't just call me, I don't know. I'm not going to get back to him; I have no desire to see him anymore, and though I know I'm irresistible (:-p), I really have no desire to make him think we have a chance when we don't.

2 new guys are on the schedule for this week. This dating thing is fun!

More on the JDate thing later, especially on the creepiness of online dating and the guys who are desperate to date a woman like me. It's kind of gross, actually (I talked to a guy last night who told me that "the big girls spread easy"--needless to say, I wanted to VOMIT and blocked him immediately.)


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