Sunday, October 5, 2008

Closer and Closer

To someone trying to lose weight, there is no better feeling than putting on that size you never thought you could wear and having it fit PERFECTLY.

That happened not once, but twice today.

First, while roaming the Mizzou bookstore today with Leah, I came across an adorable pink hoodie, on clearance, in a size XL. I haven't worn a sweatshirt without 2 or more X's in...well, ever. And it fit. Beautifully.

I had absolutely no intentions of walking out of the bookstore with the pink hoodie. I don't need it. I can't afford it. So did I buy it? Absa-freakin'-lutely. Love it, both for what it is and what it means to me.

Then, after Leah left Como (after the most perfect afternoon I could ask for) I went to Lane Bryant to see what was on sale. To my surprise, every single top in my normal size 22/24 was too big. The next size down, 18/20, fit just right. Total surprise to me, but totally wonderful. For shits and giggles, I decided to try on the next size down of the jeans I would normally buy. Again, they fit BEAUTIFULLY. If I hadn't just bought and altered 3 new pair a few months ago, I would have bought all the pairs the store had in my size. I'm proud of myself for holding back.

Leah mentioned today that I am far skinnier than I think I am. I've always heard that when losing weight, especially as much weight as I have to lose, it sometimes takes awhile for your brain to catch up with your body in terms of how you see yourself. Her comment got me thinking: Will I ever be able to look at myself in the mirror and see a thin person? I'm not thin, yet, but if and when I get there, will I still see the Tracy I was a year ago? Will it be impossible for me to acknowledge myself as "thin" when I've always known myself as "fat"? Just an interesting question to ponder in the midst of this incredible transformation.

In my last post I wrote about needing some inspiration to get back on the ball with my healthy lifestyle. I'm thinking that today's clothing extravaganza might have been the wake-up call I needed. I can't let myself go back to where I was; I'm having too much fun with my smaller clothes and ability to move and get around easily. I don't know if today came because God knew I needed it, or if a couple of other people "up there" were chiming in, but whoever is responsible I am eternally grateful. It's funny how life tosses these moments at you just as you need them.

These moments allow me to turn down that second piece of challah, to not feel ashamed to ask for what I need, to get my butt back to the gym on a regular basis, to keep measuring and weighing my portions. I need to hold onto these moments and never, ever let them go, at least not until I reach my goal.

Will you remind me of them whenever I forget?

Whitney, we're looking in the 18/20's now ;)

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