I'm sorry I haven't posted on here in forever. It's been a completely crazy week, and so many things are going on in the world and in my head that it almost seems like too much to write down.
It's the second day of Rosh Hashana, and I am home in St Louis after spending the weekend in South Bend at my student pulpit. It was a wonderful Shabbat and Rosh Hashana, and despite the many, many mistakes that were made, everyone was happy with the services we led.
The week preceeding my visit was insane, as I had a ton of music to learn and 11 verses of Torah to chant last Thursday at HUC t'fillah. All good things, but stressful and exhausting. I realized more than ever last week how I deal with anxiety by eating, as I pretty much ate anything that came within 100 feet of me. A week of bagels, take-out, chocolate, coffee, etc. All of my healthy eating rules and habits flew out the window. I just couldn't think about it in the midst of HHD prep and the stresses of school. I'm kind of ashamed of myself, actually, though I'm trying to be gentle about it and remember that everyone has weeks like this, and that everyone makes mistakes.
It's also really hard to follow a diet when people host you for meals; sweet and wonderful Jewish mama's who take the time to bake homemade challah (who can resist that?) and prepare food straight from their hearts and souls. I did the best I could, but it's virtually impossible for me to say no to one of my sweet congregants who've been cooking especially for me. Saying no is also one of my biggest personal issues; at some point, I will have to learn how.
There's also been the whole boy issue this week. We went out again last Tuesday night, and while he was very sweet, I just didn't feel the same connection to him that I did on our first date. He was dressed like my Uncle Larry, and while my uncle is a sweet man, it's hard to kiss a guy who reminds me so much of him. He also wanted to make out in front of this group of old men on my doorstep, which freaked me out. PDA is not something I'm comfy with, nor is getting too physical too quickly. I also get the impression that he's really desperate to get into a stable relationship, and while I say that I want it, I kind of feel like I want to play the field a bit before I commit to anything. It's amazing how quickly the mind can change.
And now I need to figure out a way to tell him I don't want to see him anymore without saying, "Shana tova! BTW, I don't really want to date you..." He hasn't really done anything wrong, I'm just not feeling him the way I want to be. And I don't think I can, now that I'll always associate him with Uncle Larry.
I feel horrible about being superficial, but I'm allowed to have some say so in the matter, right? I'm allowed to not be attracted to someone, right? It doesn't make me a horrible person, right?
How do you tell someone you don't really want to see them again? I've never been in the position of the "dumper", and I want to do it in a way that honors his dignity and treats him respectfully. He deserves both of those things.
Anyways, happy and healthy new year to all of you out there. May 5769 bring you all the best and so much love, health, and happiness.