I went to Dave and Gal's websites this morning to watch some videos of Tikva from when she was doing well. I guess I needed to be reminded of my inspiration, of the person who helped me to push myself this summer to stay with my good, healthy routine. The routine that I'm not keeping up with now, for a lot of different reasons that now feel like mere excuses.
I remember seeing Tikva's face before she was born. I remember her coaxing me through the water when I was swimming after camp everyday. I remember the commitment I made to her and to myself the day she died, promising both of us I wouldn't give up on this.
And now, to some extent, I feel like a failure. I've broken my committment to her, and also to myself.
I'm not a failure, in the slightest, but if the last couple weeks have shown me anything, it's that I need to try a lot harder. Stress does not mean it's okay to eat everything in sight. Anxiety does not give me permission to give up everything I've worked so hard for. It's okay to tell the people in South Bend what I've done and what I continue to do so I can eat appropriately. And I will, slowly, when the time is right, tell certain people there what I've done, with the hope that they will alert others. News travels fast in a little Jewish community like that.
All my life I've had a fear of disappointment. I don't want to let anyone down by gaining back any of the weight I've lost this year. I don't want to disappoint people who are expecting me to lose more when just the opposite happens. I don't want to disappoint myself, my best self, the Tracy that I was this summer when I was eating really well and exercising every day.
I really, really want to go to Cincy next year and see everyone, including Dave and Gal, and blow their minds with how well I've done. I want to hug them and burst into happy tears because they were all such a part of my dream come true.
I just need to get that motivation back. That motivation that was so strong all of last year, all of last summer.
One of the downsides to being a Jewish leader is that you sometimes feel like you have to worry about the logistical aspects of the service and don't have much of a chance to pray for yourself. I kind of feel like Rosh Hashana came and went without any chance for personal reflection, and I fear Yom Kippur, with it's 5 services, will be the same way. I'm trying SO HARD to reflect and repent and connect with God this week, between the holy days, so I can find God in my own way while still doing my job. I trust it will get easier in time, when it isn't my very first ever HHD's as cantor. I guess we'll see. But I know I need God right now--it's to the point where the job feels entirely too big to handle on my own, even with the people I have who are busily cheering me on. I need some sort of divine intervention, and there's no better time to ask for it than right now.
Hashiveini Adonai Elecha--let me return to You, God. Let me live up to b'tzelem Elohim, the finest image of You I can be.
Life is going to change after HHD's. It has to. I deserve the best health I can have for myself, and that certainly won't be found with what I am doing now.
I still have Hope.