Random

I'm trying really hard to stick to my "no eating until 2 hours after a meal" plan. With the exception of yesterday's horrible turnout, I'm doing well. It's this time of day, between 4-7pm, and again at night, between 9-12, that I get really snacky. My body is hungry right now, and while I said I would break my rules whenever I was legitimately hungry, I think I really need to follow them right now to give my body time to get used to it's new eating schedule. I am drinking water (soooo much water today--been peeing like there is no tomorrow) and just made myself an iced coffee with some milk. I'm hoping the protein from the milk will fill me up a little so I can cook my spinach-filled chicken breast without eating myself out of house and home.

I should also mention that it's been one of those "I guess I'll never be able to eat that again" days. It took a great amount of restraint not to lick the TV when a Red Robin commercial came on. I haven't had a real burger since January, and I can't tell you how badly I want one right now. BUT--I will persevere my way through get-healthy land and remind myself how my efforts are paying off. Maybe not in lbs at the moment, but certainly in good health.

I had a shocking realization I forgot to mention yesterday--I realized as I was waiting for my date in Penn Station that maybe I am more afraid of the possibility that things might turn out WELL than I am about the possibility that things might turn out badly. Maybe I am more afraid of getting exactly what I want and therefore, needing to bear my complete self to another human being. I'm not sure I know how to get past that, other than one step at a time, but it has to be worthwhile. I came home yesterday and read Dave's blog, which featured the following quote by Maryanne Williamson. I've heard these words before many times, but they really resonated with me when I read them yesterday.

"It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. When we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people the permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Dating is scary. But maybe it's scarier to really show your most beautiful self, your most intimate self, to another, for any number of reasons. Maybe living with that fear, working through it and conquering it and sharing the journey with exactly the right person, is the best way to love and be loved. Maybe it is through that sharing that we build our deepest, most fulfilling and intimate relationships.

I will find it.
I will achieve anything I set out to do.
I will love and be loved.
I will conquer this fear.
I will shine.