"It's hard to find people who will love you no matter what."

From that damned Sex and the City.

Why is that line resonating with me today?

My story in Self Magazine? Maybe!

Through this blog, I came across an opportunity to submit my weight-loss story to Self Magazine. For whatever reason, something in my gut is telling me to send this in, to maybe have the opportunity to share my story with others, and maybe inspire someone who was once in my shoes. Please--tell me what you think, if it's appropriate, if I'm leaving anything out, if anything should be grammatically changed, etc. I'm really excited to be doing this. Thanks in advance for your help!

I've been fat my entire life; I was born at almost 9 pounds, and continued to be obese throughout my childhood, adolescence and adulthood. Being "The Fat Girl" was always the biggest part of my identity, outweighing (pardon my pun) the other parts of myself that were just as important. My parents have always both struggled with weight, as have other members of my family, and I'd just accepted the fact that I'd be obese for the rest of my life. It wasn't until I'd gotten into my dream graduate school that my mind--and my life--began to change. By that point, I was 24 years old and weighed 337 pounds.

The first year of my graduate program required us to spend a year living and going to school in Jerusalem, Israel. Jerusalem--a city of hills, beautiful white stone, and boisterous people--was an overwhelming change from my quiet Midwestern life. I found myself huffing and puffing my way through the streets, longing to be in my apartment while my classmates enjoyed life in the amazing city. I decided very early on during my time in Jerusalem that my health needed to move much, much higher on my priority list.

I joined Weight Watchers in Israel, which is very different from it's American counterpart in that discussions are based on the challenges of the JEWISH calendar year. I found myself quickly wrapped in a group of the most supportive, loving men and women of all ages and religions, who were always excited to hear the results of my latest weigh-in. I changed my perspective about the hills of the city; instead of being the reason I stayed home, they became the reason I went out--not only would they allow me to see the city, but they'd allow me to get an amazing workout at the same time. I also found a personal trainer, a wonderful student colleague of mine with 10 years in the fitness industry. To tackle the emotional side of my overeating, I started writing in a mostly-private blog that I continue to this day. With the help of these things, along with my amazing roommate and friends and family in Israel and in America, I managed to lose 75 pounds by the time I returned to the United States in late May.

The summer was a blur or reacquainting myself with America and the overwhelming portion sizes and inexpensive fast food options available around the clock. I learned to stay far away from the drive-thru's, to track my Weight Watcher's points carefully, and to incorporate exercise into my life 5-6 times a week. My health and well being quickly took top priority, and I loved the way I looked and felt because of it. As I prepared to move to New York City to continue my education, I knew I'd need all the stamina and strength I could get. I also knew it would be yet another change in lifestyle, this one bigger and more challenging than any that had come before it.

I have to admit, I'm still learning how to survive in this huge crazy city. I decided early on to take a break from Weight Watchers, as I needed time to figure out the basics of my new life in New York City. With it's endless bakeries, delis, pizzerias, diners, coffeehouses, etc., it's certainly a challenge to stay on my game. I've realized, however, that my healthy habits have turned into a healthy lifestyle; not only do I only keep healthy foods in my apartment, I try to walk to whatever I can, whenever I can. I've also learned to be gentle with myself, realizing that one Black and White cookie or piece of pizza will not cause me to fall of the healthy-lifestyle wagon completely. Even with a few hiccups, I'm still well on my way towards becoming the best Tracy I can be.

To date, I've lost 102 pounds. I have another 80 pounds to go before I reach my goal weight of 150 pounds. The challenges and triumphs of this already amazing achievement are with me everyday, and will continue to guide me through the rest of my journey. Through this process, I've learned so much about who I am, what I can do, and what I really want for my life, and I discover new and exciting pieces of myself each and every day. My life is dramatically different today than it was 18 months ago when I began this process, and I can't wait to see where I end up in another 18 months. Until then, I keep going--knowing that the only secret to weight loss is that there is no secret--all the while enjoying healthy and delicious food, embracing the incredible workings of my body, and empowering my soul and spirit with every step I take along this lifelong journey.

Damn

Oh, the things we learn on vacation, when we're not supposed to be studying anything but blue skies and calm ocean breezes.

My family and I went on a cruise last week, which offered unlimited food 24-hours a day, a beautiful pool and pool deck, great adventures, and a fantastic gym overlooking the ocean.

Do you think I took advantage of the gym?

OK, so I did once, and got a good workout in. That in and of itself shows significant progress in my lifestyle. However, I also took advantage of the unlimited food around me all the time, that seemed to always be calling my name. Huge breakfasts, complete with delicious pastries that I never let myself eat at home (because they're never as good.) 4-course lunches in the dining room with full-sized desserts and coffee. A snack while lounging at the pool or walking around the port. My daily 5:30 feast of surprisingly good sushi. ENORMOUS dinners in the dining room every night, where I feasted on rich, buttery sauces and delicious breads and at least one dessert every night (and 3 on one night when I couldn't choose and a bite of each just wasn't enough...I know, I know...)

And then there were the small snacks eaten because I was passing by them...the warm baby croissants, the cheese platters, the cookies, the freshly fried tortilla chips, pretty baby desserts that always look better than they taste (though I ate them anyways.)

I realized something on this vacation: I am addicted to food. OK, so maybe I've realized it all along and haven't wanted to admit it, but there's no denying it now. It's definitely the problem that will plague me for the rest of my life.

I am addicted to food the way others are addicted to cigarettes or alcohol. I want it, I need it, I crave it, and once it's in my presence, there's no stopping me. I HAVE to eat it. Even during the times I restrain myself, my first and foremost thought is of how I can get that food into my mouth.

I've spent the last 18 months learning how to control myself when it comes to food. When I'm at home, I control what I eat and when I eat it. No one but me does the grocery shopping, so I take the easy way out by keeping the crap outside of the house. But when it comes to situations where the control of what's around is NOT in my hands, I'm still a bloody mess.

I also came to realize that there will never, ever be a time in my life where I'm not a slave to food and the emotions that come with it. I will never eat a croissant on vacation without feeling guilty, or stop being proud of myself for making good food choices. I will never be able to slip up without feeling like a failure, and I will ALWAYS have to work to put myself back on track. I'll never be one of those people who eats healthfully and exercises all the time just because they enjoy it. For me, a healthy lifestyle will always mean putting up with moments like those on the ship and struggling my way through them and feeling guilty when I give in.

I have to admit, I've been wishing lately that I was one of those people who was just naturally skinny and beautiful. One of those people who never has to think about the consequences of the food that passes through their lips. I'll never be that way, and no matter how much weight I lose, I'll always struggle with food.

I know everyone has their issues, but sometimes I'd rather mine not be this one. People are supposed to enjoy food, right? I'm a little (OK, a lot) pissed off that that privilege will always be taken away from me due to my emotional attachment to food.

Damn.

Bear with me as I struggle to climb back on board with this whole weight-loss thing. I need support and love more than ever right now.

Tension and Release

I had the conversation with my rabbi today. I was strangely confident and articulate, as I usually am NOT when I'm nervous or really just talking in general. I guess I've had enough time to think about this by now that I really knew what I wanted to say.

The talk was fine, I guess, though my rabbi didn't really allow me to express myself the way I wanted to. He kept interrupting me with silly asides that had nothing to do with the conversation at hand. I went in trying to be a professional, and while I felt good about the way I tried to convey my thoughts, I could tell how he still very much views me as a kid of the congregation. To him, I doubt I'll ever be a real Jewish professional. Understandable, but frustrating nonetheless.

I went in to tell him that while I'm still very hurt and angry about the decision (read this if you haven't already) I understand his and the board's reasons for it. I can see and appreciate how much trouble the temple was/is in, and how this personnel cut will help alleviate the problem. I also expressed my fears that the congregation will now view the role of cantor as somethign disposable, something that the professional staff can throw out when times are tough. I told him that the decision will do the congregation a huge disservice, especially come High Holy Days. I told him that while the assistant rabbi is indeed musical and talented, she is a RABBI and not a CANTOR. There is, of course, a reason why HUC and every other Jewish seminary have seperate rabbinical and cantorial programs. She can not, nor can any rabbi (as good as she or he may be), create the kind of mood and spirituality that a good cantor can create using music.

It took a lot of guts for me to go and talk to him this morning--guts I'm not sure I would have had 18 months ago. As crappy a situation as this truly is, I'm glad that I at least learned something and allowed my passion for this career to grow even stronger. I'm happy that I talked to the people I talked to and learned things I never wanted to learn. I'm proud that I stuck up for my passion and career choice, even to the person I was most afraid to confront. Most of all, I'm excited to see myself as a competant and driven person, defending what I love even when it hurts.

We're leaving in a few hours for a 5 day cruise vacation to the Caribbean. It's been so long since I've taken a vacation or seen the ocean, and I feel like I've had so much drama in my life the last few months. It will be wonderful to let the ocean waves rock me to sleep every night and explore some of the beautiful scenery around me. I plan on spending a little time by the ocean everyday--whether on the deck of the ship or on a beautiful sandy beach. I always manage to find God when I'm by the water, so it will be a nice way to find some private time with the Dude, especially when my mother and brother are driving me crazy.

And then I have to go back to NYC, which kind of makes me want to cry.

But for now, I plan on wrapping myself in beauty and God, eating some good food (in moderation, of course) and enjoying my family.

See you back in NYC on Friday.

New Blog Name

I never liked the title "Heavy Stuff", not even from the birth of my blog. It always sounded negative, like losing weight was nothing but a pain in the ass. I've wanted to change it for a long time and never got around to it, so I figured new year, new blog name! I like the pairing of the terms, as I've grown on the inside more in the last 18 months than in my entire life while shrinking on the outside. I also think this more positively states the reason for my blog and how I want it to continue from here on out.

In other news, but I've been thinking about starting yet another blog, this time dedicated only to the food I eat. The last few months I've been reading a lot of blogs that focus on nutrition, where people who are in my boat with weight loss, or who just want to keep track of their own nutrition, take pictures and post everything they eat everyday. It's a whole community of people who support each other's desires for a healthy lifestyle in a healthy way; I've seen some blogs dedicated to anorexics who share tips with each other and such, and this is in no way like that. I learn about healthy eating and exercise from real people (some of them who are studying to become Registered Dietitians) and become inspired by their ideas.

I don't know if I have the dedication to stick to it, as I wouldn't always be comfortable with taking pictures of my food everywhere I go, and it does sometimes seem a little obsessive-compulsive to me (no offense to anyone who does this!) However, it's a great way to keep track of my food intake, and a good way to share my lifestyle with all those who ask me how I've managed to lose over 100 lbs. I also have this blog and my other blog (dedicated to school and such) and it would be a lot of work to maintain all 3 blogs.

For those of you who food-blog, do you think it's a good idea for me to start? What are your challenges and obstacles with doing this? Does it take up as much time as it seems to?

Here's to starting 2009 in a positive direction, whichever that direction may be :)

Goodbye 2008, Hello 2009

I can't believe 2008 is almost over. Looking back, it amazes me how much things have changed and how little is the same as it was last year. I've lived in 3 cities this year, and in every city my life has changed and evolved into what it is now. Jerusalem taught me about being healthy and active; St Louis taught me how to maintain and sustain a healthy lifestyle; New York City has taught me how to survive on my own in a crazy place full of too many crazy people.

So much has happened, so much has changed. In many respects, 2008 was the year I came alive (which I find somewhat ironic, seeing as though I am sitting here alone on New Year's Eve doing absolutely nothing--please don't remind me of how pathetic I am, I am well aware of it.) I learned all about health and life and living to my very best abilities. I learned about commitment and sustenance and opening myself up to new possibilities. I entered myself into the dating scene, and while it has yet to be successful, it's a big step for me. I found confidence and strength within myself; confidence and strength that had always been there even though I was blind to them. I opened myself to Hope and Love, to positivity and prayer, to breath and calm. I created a life that I love, contained in a body that I'm learning to love, wrapped in a soul filled with beauty and love.

For all the crap that happened in 2008, it's been a pretty great year.
And I made that happen for myself.

I don't like the idea of New Year's Resolutions, as I'd rather set attainable goals for myself and allow myself to change them as I see fit. So as we welcome in 2009, I set the following goals for myself:

1. To go to the gym a few times a week, and work with a trainer a couple of times to figure out how to best strengthen my body and spirit (Dave, could I tempt you to fly to NY on a weekly basis? :))
2. To continue eating healthfully, trying new fruits and veggies and learning new and exciting ways of preparing healthy food.
3. To keep dating, be it J-Date or other more conventional methods.
4. To continue my quest to love my body, and to learn to see myself the way others see me.
5. To think positively, to pray everyday, to find the beauty in everyone and everything.
6. To thank God everyday for the miracles of life, breath, song and spirit.

We'll see what gets added on to this list as the year progresses.

Finally, to all of you who read this, thank you for your constant support and love. You make such a difference in my life and in my ability to rid myself of this "heavy stuff" that's plagued me throughout my life. May your 2009 be filled with light, spirit, love, joy, friendship, and much happiness.

thanks for your patience

I know I've been bad about posting as of late. There's been so much going on, from the simchas of my brother's and cousin's graduations to the sadness of my cantor's losing her job. Lots of emotion, and so much of it has left me exhausted emotionally and physically.

I've learned so much about synagogue politics and infrastructure within the last 2 weeks. There has been so much I've needed to absorb and to come to terms with. There has been so much I've learned that I've never wanted to learn, and I wish my cantor didn't have to lose her job for me to learn these lessons. The whole thing disgusts me and makes me sick, though I see the reasons it needed to be done. The hardest part is yet to come, when I sit down with my childhood rabbi on Friday morning and ask him how this decision came to be. How is it possible to express your anger and disappointment without burning the important bridges you need for your professional career?

I've spent the last 2 weeks at home in St Louis. I've been a friend to Linda, trying to help her cope with her terrible loss. I've been a shoulder for my brother who is trying to deal with life as a college graduate, with no job prospects due to this shitty economy, living at home again, and girlfriend troubles. I'm trying to help my mom as much as I can without letting her get to me, and it gets increasingly difficult as the days go on.

Sometimes, after a long day of dealing with everyone else's crap, I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright. I know how cheesy that sounds. It makes me want to vomit, too.

But it's true.

I've also been disgusted with myself. As a result of all of these goings-on, all I do at the end of the day is eat food I don't need. For example, today I've eaten approximately 4,679 reeses peanut butter cups, along with huge chunks of the muffins my mom brought home and something like 17,000 pieces of cheese. This is emotional eating to the extreme, and while I do feel as though I have good reason for it, I also realize it can't continue if I want to continue fitting into the size 18 pants I've recently bought.

Is it bad to wish I could just hack huge portions of flesh off of my body and whip myself into a new person, with a pretty flat tummy and perfectly toned arms? Maybe in my next lifetime...

Upon my return to NYC, things will be changing. I'm joining a gym, for one.

Until then, I press on.