Sunday, July 12, 2009

An Emotional Outburst

All of the sudden it's hit me that I have to move back to NYC in about a month.

Just the thought of it makes my heart pound and my eyes well up with tears.

I've had a wonderful summer at home, surrounded by my family, good friends, and a community that deeply cares about me. I am so much happier here than I've ever been in NY--I don't care if I can't see Broadway shows whenever or order food 24/7. The thought of going back to my empty apartment, feeling so distant from the people that I love most, and living my life with only my school acquaintances makes me very sad.

I want so badly to smile as I step off of the airplane at LaGuardia, knowing I'm going to see people I haven't seen in a few months and once again begin studying what I love. Maybe I will try to do just that, even though it will be a cover up for what I'm really feeling; the fear, sadness, and loneliness that comes from living in such an isolated city.

This summer I've realized that life would be so much better in NY if I had someone to share it all with. As I've attended wedding after wedding, and continued my role as cheerleader for my friends' relationships, I've noticed that I really want to have someone for myself. After a year of what feels like solitude, I want someone to come home to, who can rub my shoulders and watch bad TV with me and help me bear with a city that I hate.

I'm also noticing more and more that I want to punch people who brag about their amazing relationships. Yes, I'm happy for you. Yes, I know that you're floating on air. Yes, I know he/she is the most amazing thing on the planet. Guess what? I GET IT. Shut the hell up and go and BE happy instead of bragging about it.

Now that that's said and done...

I know I'll be the same way if and when it ever happens. But I'll try to be a little more sensitive on behalf of those who, like I am feeling right now, would rather not talk to you than hear about your amazing boyfriend in every single conversation we have.

It's been a fun week of putting all my pent-up hostility into my workouts. I pretend I'm running away from the annoying people whenever I'm on the ET. You really should try it sometime (if any of you who read this are single, and now that I think about it, you're almost all taken.)

Bastards (please note the sarcasm...)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

To my Beautiful Friend whom I adore,

As much as I love you, there WILL be someone out there who will love you more. I know this because I really believe that God gives us the desires of our hearts...and this is your desire. It's just that His timing is NEVER our timing. Maybe you'll step off the plane at LaGuardia and you'll see your NJB as you enter the terminal that will be it! Love at first sight...

But just in case something that ridiculously scripted DOESN'T come along, know this. You are worth getting to know. Keep putting yourself out there, because you never know. Someday you'll be hanging out at a friend's house, and a boy in pink bunny slippers will saunter over to you. You'll wonder to yourself if he's crazy or flirting or if you even care, but you'll enjoy the process.

I'm not even going to tell you that love will find you when you least expect it, because I REALLY hated it when people would say that to me...but I will say this. Don't give up on love. Don't give up on the idea that you are WORTH loving.

Because you are.

When I come to NYC this fall we will hunt for your NJB, and we will FIND HIM. Or we'll watch BJD and make brownies--either way, we can't go wrong.

Love you, Friend!