My aunt booked my ticket back to New York today.
She has the magic touch; I tried finding fares a few times, and never had the kind of pricing luck that she had today. She found a great deal on a one-way ticket and I'll be back in NYC for under $100.
As soon as the ticket was booked, I wondered why it worked for her and not for me.
Maybe God was trying to tell me not to go back there, that I belong here in St Louis with my friends and family.
And not alone in New York.
Maybe God thought she was booking the ticket for herself...even God gets confused sometimes.
It's hitting me hard that I have to go back to NY soon.
I've had a wonderful summer (for the most part) rediscovering St Louis and realizing just how much I love it here. Even with the craziness that is my family, it's wonderful to have people to come home to who love me and want to know how my day was.
I've loved my summer job; singing with my little bits, seeing their excited eyes and the love they share when they smother me with sticky popsicle-laden hugs is such a joy.
I've loved my exercise routine, and I am looking and feeling stronger and stronger as the weeks go by. I flexed my arms in the mirror today and actually saw muscles where there once was just flab. It felt great, even though I'm still far from where I want to be. I feel strong and healthy and happy, and the JCC provides me with the most beautiful, positive energy to take good care of myself.
I've loved the life cycle events I've had the privilege of singing for and attending. Even singing my first funeral, which was sad and scary, was a good experience for this cantor-in-training.
It makes me so sad to think that I have to leave all of this behind to come back to my empty apartment in NYC. It makes me even sadder to think that I'm leaving behind this city of so much love, that feels so perfect for where I am right now.
I don't want to be alone in New York anymore.
I don't want to feel like the outsider, trying to keep up and fit in when I know in my heart that I never will.
I don't my only social life to come from HUC.
I don't want to schlep to Brooklyn to see friends who won't schlep to Queens to see me.
I don't want to pay the horrendous price for the apartment that is nowhere near worth the $1,463 I pay in rent every month.
Or play with the mice that have probably had a field day in my kitchen since I've been gone.
I'm terrified to walk into my apartment alone in 16 days.
I'm scared that I will walk into my kitchen and see dead mice all over the floors.
I'm scared that someone will have broken in and ransacked the place (though thank goodness I took everything of value--especially sentimental value--with me to St Louis.)
I'm scared to try to put my window unit air conditioners back in my windows by myself, for fear of them falling out the windows (silly, I know.)
I'm scared to spend the first night alone, crying with homesickness and loneliness.
I am going to have to be stronger than ever on that day, and try to allow the cleaning and unpacking and readjusting carry me through the sadness.
Lately it's been getting harder to resist the food I've been resisting for a long time. I've been eating way too many sweets, and comforting myself with food. I need help to get this emotional eating under control, before it consumes me and I slip up. Thank God I've been exercising and therefore not gaining any weight, but I can't keep doing this to myself.
I sometimes wonder what exactly it was that carried me through my Year in Israel, where this journey to my healthiest self began. I so easily sad 'no' to the bad foods and stuck to my diet plan like glue. I'm sure the support from my roomie, WW gang and everyone else was the key; without them I don't have much willpower. Or maybe it was the energy and vibrancy of Jerusalem. Whatever it was, I miss that magic and I so desperately need it back.
Please pray for me in the coming weeks, as I pack up my wonderful St Louis life and head back to the intensity and isolation that equals New York City.
Pray that I find some sort of magic in NYC that can help me bridge the widening gap between my two homes, and help me to find contentment and comfort without the help of food.
Pray that I meet a friend, boyfriend, or anyone who can pull me out of my NY slump, and into a place of happiness.
Pray that I find no mice on my kitchen floor, that my apartment is safe and in one piece, and my AC's don't fall out of my windows.
Pray that I can feel good about moving back there and not cry every time I think about it.
Pray that I can live in the moment and enjoy my last 16 days in St Louis, surrounded by love and positivity.