Sunday, September 21, 2008

Potential

I can't help but be really excited by the potential that awaits me. The potential for something special, something meaningful, something I've been searching for for a long time.

I spent a long time last night deliberating what I really want from a person, what is the most important. I took the time to really think about what I need, what I am able to give to someone else, what he can give me.

I hope I'm ready to move forward with this. I hope I can handle it alongside everything else going on in my life right now.

I hope the jitters and the excited feeling in the pit of my stomach never go away. I hope the Tracy that was flirty and open and excited can stick around for awhile, maybe forever.

I hope that what he said was really true, that he's actually seeing me for what I am and not just telling me things he thinks I want to hear.

It's all so new for me. It's nice and exciting and making me unable to think about the fact that Rosh Hashana is in a week and I still have music to learn and organize. It's pretty exciting, indeed.

This, after a few conversations on the phone and one fantastic afternoon.
And a kiss. OK, 2 kisses. OK, maybe a few.

There is always the potential for things to go sour. But for now, I'm excited by the mere fact that there is potential at all, and that both parties seem excited by it.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Random

I'm trying really hard to stick to my "no eating until 2 hours after a meal" plan. With the exception of yesterday's horrible turnout, I'm doing well. It's this time of day, between 4-7pm, and again at night, between 9-12, that I get really snacky. My body is hungry right now, and while I said I would break my rules whenever I was legitimately hungry, I think I really need to follow them right now to give my body time to get used to it's new eating schedule. I am drinking water (soooo much water today--been peeing like there is no tomorrow) and just made myself an iced coffee with some milk. I'm hoping the protein from the milk will fill me up a little so I can cook my spinach-filled chicken breast without eating myself out of house and home.

I should also mention that it's been one of those "I guess I'll never be able to eat that again" days. It took a great amount of restraint not to lick the TV when a Red Robin commercial came on. I haven't had a real burger since January, and I can't tell you how badly I want one right now. BUT--I will persevere my way through get-healthy land and remind myself how my efforts are paying off. Maybe not in lbs at the moment, but certainly in good health.

I had a shocking realization I forgot to mention yesterday--I realized as I was waiting for my date in Penn Station that maybe I am more afraid of the possibility that things might turn out WELL than I am about the possibility that things might turn out badly. Maybe I am more afraid of getting exactly what I want and therefore, needing to bear my complete self to another human being. I'm not sure I know how to get past that, other than one step at a time, but it has to be worthwhile. I came home yesterday and read Dave's blog, which featured the following quote by Maryanne Williamson. I've heard these words before many times, but they really resonated with me when I read them yesterday.

"It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. When we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people the permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Dating is scary. But maybe it's scarier to really show your most beautiful self, your most intimate self, to another, for any number of reasons. Maybe living with that fear, working through it and conquering it and sharing the journey with exactly the right person, is the best way to love and be loved. Maybe it is through that sharing that we build our deepest, most fulfilling and intimate relationships.

I will find it.
I will achieve anything I set out to do.
I will love and be loved.
I will conquer this fear.
I will shine.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Bad Day

The bastard never showed up today. I waited in Penn Station like an asshole for an hour, wondering if every guy who came by was him. He called me 2 hours after we were supposed to meet to tell me he was in a car accident this morning and couldn't make it. I was already underground and missed his call, so all of his story was said on my answering machine. I promptly called him back to tell him that I'd be around if he wanted to try to reschedule, but if not, he could have a nice weekend (and like, I thought to myself.) He hasn't called back yet. If he wants to meet me, he'll call. If he was lying and just trying to get out of the date with a lame story, he won't call. The ball is in his court, and I'm not going to steal it from him anytime soon.

I then tried to get into Brooklyn to spend the day with a friend. Apparently, the train I needed wasn't actually running today, which I didn't realize until I'd stood there for 30 minutes. So I ran around the subway station, trying to find someone who could give me decent directions, and when I couldn't, I waited in one more spot for the train that I thought could maybe get me there. And then I saw 3 rats; 3 dirty, disgusting, huge rats running around ON THE PLATFORM close to where I was standing.

I freaked out. Total breakdown. In the middle of Penn Station.

I couldn't be there anymore. I had to get out, to somehow get home and as quickly as possible. Somewhere along the way I found Garretts Popcorn which originated in Chicago and always reminds me of the Midwest. So I got a huge bag. Needless to say, it's over halfway eaten already. When I finally got to the platform to get on my train to get home, I had yet another breakdown because my train never seemed to come. It was completely pathetic and made me realize that I really, truly HATE this city and don't want to live here even one more day.

I guess it's the price I have to pay for working towards my dreams.

I keep telling myself I'm lucky to be here. That I'd rather be miserable here than wonderful and not in cantorial school. That there are hundreds of rejects of HUC who'd happily take my place. That there are people who should be here who can't be here for any number of reasons. That I am working to fulfill my dreams.

It ain't working.

I hate this city. I couldn't hate it more if I tried.

Is it too late to pack up and go home?

Friday, September 12, 2008

What if

What if he takes one look at me and decides to turn around and walk away?
What if he has that disappointed, "just another fattie" look on his face the entire time we're together, and only stays because he's polite?
What if we connect beautifully, and then he tells the truth that he just can't be attracted to someone like me?
What if he tells me I'm just not good enough for him?

I'm not a big dater.
There are reasons for that.

All of the above have happened to me at one point or another. As much as I want to find someone, I sometimes think I'd be happier just being alone, without having to hear anything else like this.

I can't find love without being willing to put myself out there. I can't be afraid of the things people (men) can say or do. I can't be scared that this one date will derail all of the work I've done to build and sustain my self-confidence. Or rather, I should say that I can't ALLOW this one date to derail anything. It's all up to me.

I'm scared of tomorrow.

So stupid. So true.

Does it ever work out for those of us who aren't a size 6?

ברית לעצמי

The last week has been entirely too filled with food. Eating whatever I can, whenever I can. I only keep healthy foods in the house, so thus far the quality of food hasn't been a problem, but the quantity of the food is causing concern.

I'm sure PMS has been a big part of the problem, paired with the stresses of school and finding new and interesting reasons to hate New York City.

But I am determined to battle the problem and to come out on top. So last night, I created a brit--a covenant--for myself. Between me, my body, and God. I created the following conditions (the term 'rules' sounds negative to me) for my brit, which I will addend whenever the time feels right.

#1: I will wait at least 2 hours between eating a meal and having a snack. This way, I won't graze all day long, including the time when I am actually cooking a meal, since I tend to nibble away on anything in the kitchen in the middle of the preparations.

#2: After dinner, I will only drink, and I may only drink water, tea, or milk. After a healthy dinner, I shouldn't need to eat anything else. Brushing my teeth right after dinner last night was very helpful, so I will continue to do so until my body adjusts to this pattern.

#3: I will only eat when I am actually hungry. If I've already eaten and I'm not hungry, I don't need to eat again, no matter who it's with or what it's for.

#4: Should I be hungry--legitimately hungry and uncomfortable (it's not always horrible to be hungry)--the preceding conditions are null and void and I may eat a small, healthy snack.

#5: I will continue to use my food scale to measure what REAL portions are and eat only according to that (you'd be surprised how vastly incorrect most measuring cups are--most of the time, a the recommended cup-measurement weighs 10-20 grams more than the serving size should be. Those extra grams add up!)

#6: I will continue to treat myself at least once a day with something wonderful, whether food related or not.

#7: I will learn that just because I am in the kitchen I DO NOT need to be eating. I can cook, wash dishes, clean, measure, etc. without eating anything. It IS possible.

Seven conditions feels like a good number to me for now. And all of the conditions are phrased in a positive way, since this is a positive step in the right direction. I'll add more when the time is right.

Now that it's written down, I am going to post my brit in every room in my house as to never forget. Like my own personal 10 Commandments, except only 7. That's okay.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Healthy

I just finished a big cup of my homemade frozen yogurt, made with nothing but some frozen fruit (that I froze myself just before it went bad, when it was ugly to look at but so juicy and sweet) and plain nonfat yogurt. It's my new dessert ritual, especially when I crave McDonalds ice cream or, more recently, the ice cream from the Mister Softee truck that paroles my neighborhood. And, right before I go to sleep, I eat a tiny piece of the 85% cocoa chocolate bar I bought last week. Bought it last week, still have 75% of it left in my freezer. It's my one little tiny indulgence at the end of the day, instead of wine or something worse.

My dinner tonight was a huge salad of every vegetable known to man (really, you name it, it was probably in my salad) topped off with some roasted turkey breast. I had a tiny bit of brown rice left over from the other night that went really well and gave me enough carbs to help me feel full.

Today, I avoided (ok, mostly avoided) the pizza that was served at lunch and instead went for a big plate of the tossed salad and a Kashi granola bar (my other new fave thing.) I might have had about 1/3 of a piece of cheese pizza, but I'm okay with that. All things in moderation, and NY pizza is hard to pass up.

I'm still doing well on WW. Not going to meetings yet, though I feel it coming soon. Sticking to the plan as best I can even though my portions are a bit larger than I'd like and some of my choices are not the best. I feel like I'm getting some sort of a routine down and might be able to join the gym soon. My time on WW is not over and I want to start up again. I can do it, I know it.

Weight loss aside, it just feels better knowing that I'm putting healthy food into my body.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Awkward

I am socially awkward. Always have been, always will be. A good conversationalist, especially with strangers, I am not. I've never liked being in big groups, especially groups full of people I don't know. I tend to be a wallflower, sticking with people I know (even if I don't know them well) or hanging out by myself, waiting for someone to approach me, and usually having an awkward and uneasy conversation if and when that happens.

Last night I went to shabbat in the city with a huge group of Jews from all walks of life. A fair number of my classmates were there, though no one I am especially close to. They kept talking about their Brooklyn lives (I live in Queens) their teaching jobs (I only have a monthly pulpit as of now) and the fabulous things they wanted to do after services and dinner. And many of them knew others from outside the HUC clique. I felt awkward, unwelcome, and slightly agitated that I'd bothered to come at all, though I know that was never the intention of the group or the wonderful person who did the inviting. I spent more time making friends with the sweet potato chips than I did with any of the seemingly nice people who were there.

I wish I was a social butterfly. I don't quite know why I'm not, actually. I am more than capable of making good conversation, and often do when I'm just one-on-one. I feel uncomfortable and anxious around big groups, like I don't fit in. Most of the time, I really DON'T fit in. It's exactly the reason I don't go to bars or clubs for fun--sitting in a big group of people, surrounded by an even bigger group of people, is not my idea of fun. In fact, it makes me anxious just thinking about it.

How am I supposed to meet people and make friends if I can't put myself out there? If I spend so much time feeling awkward at social gatherings, sending out negative and ugly energies that cause people to avoid me?

And how do I turn to anything but food to fill in the holes caused by my inability to let people in?

My friend Gal recently wrote about feeling alone even while surrounded by amazing community. I can relate to that so well, though for a very different reason. It's nice to know we're alone together, at least.

I'm craving California...I have friends in LA, Huntington Beach, San Francisco--anyone up for a trip?

I'm never going to move forwards with my weight loss until I can stop eating and start living.

How do I do that?

Monday, September 1, 2008

Enough

I am trying really, really hard to be a grown up and not complain about how much I dislike living in this city.

However, after spending 4 days in the midwest, 2 at my student pulpit in South Bend, IN and the other 2 in Cincinnati, I can't help but be miserable at the thought of being back here.

Cincy was so right. From the second I got to Steph and Ari's apartment, it felt like home. I felt more at home in their pretty apartment, with it's elevator and central AC and dishwasher and space, than I ever have at this apartment.

The idea of waking up at the crack of dawn to be on the train at 7:30, then commuting an hour to get to school, then sitting in class all day long surrounded by people who like it here, then commuting another hour home, is too much to think about right now.

I want to crawl into bed and never get out.

I want to create a SSM at the Cincy campus, where the dean remembered me and knew my name. I don't think the dean here has a clue in hell who I am, even though she interviewed me, met me last year in Jerusalem, and has bumped into me several times in the elevators that are always too slow and too crowded because some idiot decided the stairs are a security risk.

The man at the airport who was hailing the taxis told me that I move like an old lady.
He would too, if he'd been traveling since 10:30 this morning and felt weary and tired and was missing his friends.
I not-so-politely told him to kiss my ass.
I was in no mood to be graceful.

The taxi driver had no idea where I lived, and no clue how to get me there.
I made him stop the meter and pull over and get directions--I wasn't going to pay him to drive around until he found it.
I then remarked that it wasn't my job to know where I'm going (he doesn't need to know that I live in this building--he assumed I was visiting, and that's fine by me.)

I can't take this city.
I want to go to Cincinnati.
Or Jerusalem.
Or even back to St Louis.

I just want to go where it feels right, and that certainly isn't here.

I should probably mention that I get whiny and bitchy when I'm tired. And every little thing, from the 30 minute delay in Detroit, to the 45 minute line for a taxi, was pissing me off.

I'm going to sleep. Thank you for letting me vent.