So last night went exactly as I predicted--I went up 1 kilo 200 grams, gaining weight for the first time in my WW career. I'm surprisingly okay about it; I expected tears and mild hysteria upon hearing the news, but instead I simply said to myself "Next week will be better" and stepped off the scale with my grace and dignity in tact. Those words in and of themselves are a huge measure of my personal growth throughout the past 11 months. I realized last night that I am slowly learning to forgive myself, to treat myself like the gentle soul I am, to allow myself to make mistakes and not be afraid of failure. So, while I'm not happy about gaining weight, I am thrilled to pieces to have discovered a piece of myself I thought was missing entirely.
I really think Gd does some (though not all) things for a reason. Gd gives us certain experiences to teach us lessons about our strength and character and to point out things about ourselves we never knew existed. For me, the power of self-forgiveness and acceptance is something I've been searching for for a very long time; maybe Gd helped the numbers to go up to show me that it was already inside me, even if I don't know when or how it was put there. I understand now, in a different way, why Dave liked to intertwine prayer and spirituality into his workout routine. It really does all link together, and last night proved to me that Gd is on my side--here, now, and always.
Despite honest effots, it's taken me a long time to want to exercise again after Dave and his beautiful family had to leave Israel. I think that once finals are over and I am home and have a minute to breathe and reflect, I want to start up my routine again. I want to swim in my neighborhood pool and walk my dog, dance in my bedroom and actually go back to the floor exercises Dave so gently and accurately shared with me.
It's amazing how gaining weight can be just as inspirational and motivating as losing weight can be. That said, I have no plans to gain again next week, or make it a habit. But once in awhile, we all need a message from above to keep us going, and if the numbers on the scale are my message, I am open and ready to receive.
ברוך אתה ה' אשר בידו נפש כל חי ורוח כל בשר איש
Blessed are you Adonai, in whose hands is every living soul and the breath of humankind.