My, How Things Have Changed

Sometimes, when your personal life goes to shit, it really does help to think of other things. For me, I think of food--or in this case, really good, healthy, satisfying food.

It struck me this morning, as I was cutting corn of the cob for my latest salad creation (see below), just how different my eating habits are now from when I started this journey 4 (!!!) years ago. Before I left for Israel my life was all about fast food, big portions, diet soda, meat at nearly every meal, and convenience foods. I'd eat without thinking twice about what I was eating, where it came from, and how it worked to fuel my body throughout the day.

My, how things have changed.

I am living proof that once you rid yourself of the bad stuff, your body learns to crave the good stuff. I live off of fresh fruits and vegetables, full of nutrients and vitamins that help my body to work as best as it can. Nowadays, I eat quinoa, beans, tofu, chia seeds, and millet without a second thought. I didn't even know what most of these things were prior to leaving for Israel, and if I did, I'd swear up and down that I'd never even try them. It's amazing how much a person can change their opinions and their habits when they are open to new experiences and trying things more than one time. Sometimes, your palette and your mind need time to adjust to new foods, methods of preparing them, and how one goes about eating them once prepared.

I've never quite given myself the recognition I deserve for being able to achieve this when so many people can't. I do think it's worth mentioning, especially when you grow up in the Midwest, land of chain restaurants and close-minded eating. Go me!

Make this salad sometime. It has so many flavors and textures that your mouth will dance with joy. Serve over some greens with a hunk of whole wheat bread for a nutritious and truly delicious meal.

Corn, Black Bean, and Avocado Salad

(serves 8-10, though the recipe can be easily modified for a smaller group.)

5 ears fresh corn, cut off the cob

1 small bell pepper (any color), chopped

2 small or 1 large tomato, chopped

3 scallions, chopped

1 can black beans, drained and rinsed

1 large avocado, chopped

4 small limes

3 tablespoons olive oil

1 teaspoon cumin

1/2 teaspoon coriander (fresh cilantro would be even better!)

1/4 teaspoon red pepper flakes

Salt and Pepper, to taste.

Add first 5 ingredients to a large bowl. In a separate bowl, place avocado and the juice of 1 lime. Gently mix, covering the avocado with lime juice to prevent browning, and add to the larger bowl with other ingredients. Juice the remaining limes and add to the larger bowl, along with olive oil, cumin, coriander, red pepper flakes and S&P. Chill and serve!

(Feel free to adapt ingredients to suit your tastes.)

What I DO Need to Hear Right Now

I hope Leah doesn't get mad at me for posting this, but it really was the very best email I could have received this morning. I am so lucky to have this woman, and her vibrant, warm, glowing lights, in my life. Thank you, sweet friend, and I love you, too.

So I just read your latest blog posts, and I feel compelled to let you know that my ass will be in a plane THIS AFTERNOON, if you need me. You, my friend, are so hurt right now. And I know that some of it is hormonal, but a lot of it comes from feelings that you have squashed for so many years. I think that the tears and the frustration are all part of the healing process, but I don’t want you going through any of these things alone.

I want to call up St. Louis and tell your mother to get the hell over herself. That she was an incredible daughter whom she pushes away more and more with every phone call and visit. I won’t do this, but I want to. You deserve to much more than you have right now. You need to feel supported and loved. Just knowing that is like 95% of the battle. How can you even be expected to thrive when you feel like you are dangling out there on your own? My heart just aches for you, and I understand the frustration you feel because it seems like everyone and their dog has what you want. And if you hear one more time how great you are, you might punch someone. I understand this. No words from anyone are going to make it better. But a hug from your best Lee-Lah and a glass of wine are a pretty good start.

Say the words and I’m on the next flight out. I’m serious.

I love you T-Money.

What's Really Going On

I've spent the last 2 days crying. Hormones aside, I really don't know what's making me so sad. Through the tears, I've been trying to think about what's really making me so upset; every time I do this, something new pops up and adds to my confusion. I feel like I've grown sadder and sadder as the hours have passed, and the worst part is that nothing I do to help me feel better is working as of yet.

If this really is all hormones as I think it is, these hormones are nasty bastards.

I keep thinking that maybe if I list out the thoughts in my head, the reasons that keep popping up whenever I think about why I'm feeling this way, they'll finally leave me and allow me to feel good again. As I mentioned before, nothing I've done thus far has really helped--but I guess it can't hurt to try this method, right?

1.) This whole T and A thing: Do I really give a shit about a guy I've never even met? NO. From what I've heard, this guy doesn't talk. T talks enough for 18 people. No wonder they work well together. I guess it's bugging me that I reached out first--I could have had him if T (circumstances, really) hadn't gotten in the way.

Moreso, it just adds to the fact that it's hard to see everyone else get what I've always wanted, especially those who aren't even trying to find it. I put myself out there over and over again, opening my heart and my head to people and hoping we'll connect in the way I want us to. I'm the one who lives in the vicious cycle of excitement and disappointment that is dating, and I'm the one who is actively trying to find what I want. T wasn't really trying. Others I know weren't trying either, and BOOM--love finds them. It makes me think that maybe I'm trying TOO hard, putting too much pressure on myself and the people I go out with; except I don't know how to do it any other way. There's a part of me that feels like I need to be on the fast track to love in order to catch up to everyone else, to find the One before I leave NYC (the mecca for 20 and 30-something Jews) and move to a po-dunk town to begin my career. I don't know how to stop this train of thought and just let love find me. It's hard to relinquish the control of something I've finally allowed myself to do in order to let it happen.

I've also been thinking about all of the love I DO have in my life. I realize that love (or those loves) so fully and completely that it only adds to my confusion. For the first time in my life, I'm able to see that I'm a really wonderful, beautiful person. I understand why I'm loved by so many people and how I could be so lucky as to have a wonderful community of friends and family in my life. However, if I'm so lovable to my friends and family, why am I not so lovable to the opposite sex? Why is it so difficult for a man to fall in love with me? I need to keep discovering what I'm doing (if it's even me at all) that makes it hard to love me. I think this is the reason why I hate when my friends say, "You're so wonderful, you'll find someone!" so much. I know I'm wonderful, yet love hasn't found me yet. I don't understand why that is, so anyone who tells me what I already know only adds to my confusion.

I also really, really miss T. She was a huge part of my social life here, and even though I know we need some distance right now and this is the best thing we can do for our hurting friendship, I feel the void without her. I want to go back to normal again, though I'm not sure if we can do that right now or ever.

2.) I just came back from 10 days at home with my family. The entire time, I couldn't wait to return to my single life in NYC, where I could live without the needs and demands of my mom and family. Now, I don't miss my family or St Louis in ways I used to, but I worry about them. My mom is not doing well; she's weak, tired all the time, and in need of serious medical care and assistance almost all the time. She's depressed in a big way, tired of her life and dialysis treatments and totally unaccepting of the fact that this is where her life is right now (and probably forever.) She puts so many demands on my little brother that it's depressing him, and she made my time at home and on vacation so stressful and almost miserable. I noticed very clearly that I am not the Tracy I want to be whenever I'm with her; she makes it hard for me to be my best self, and instead I find myself angry, annoyed, and stressed out whenever I'm with her. I yell at her far more than I yell at anyone else. I don't want to treat my mom that way, yet I can't help myself when she pushes me over the edge. It's so hard to balance being my best self with these angry feelings I feel towards her. I do try to be honest with her, but her own defensive attitude only seems to escalate the problem.

It also makes me wish so badly that I had a "normal" mom, someone that I could talk to about anything while I lay my head in her lap as she strokes my hair. My mom is far too self-centered to ever do anything like that; every time I try to talk to her about my love life or social life the conversation always goes back to her. It's incredibly frustrating; she's alive and present in my life, yet she can't be there for me the way I need her to be. No matter what I say to her to try to make her aware of this, she'll never understand. Therefore, I don't have the strong, older and wiser female presence I so desperately need in my life right now to help me untangle all of these feelings. I miss that.

3.) Really, what I need and want most right now, is a hug. The kind of hug only a boyfriend or a mom can give you. And I don't have either of those. Knowing that so many people have either one or the other (and that so many have both--and don't realize how lucky they are) makes me so sad. As I type this, fresh tears are falling because I want this so badly. I NEED this so badly. I need someone to hold me and tell me things are going to be okay, and remind me that my crazy hormones are taking over right now and all will be fine when the week is over. Virtual hugs, of which I've had many--don't really cut it, though they help a little.

If anything good has come out of this miserable week, it's that I've had the time to somewhat work through these things for myself. I think they've been building up inside of me all year long, and I've allowed school and boys and fun to push them aside. It does feel good to get them out into the open, even if new tears keep falling because I'm letting it happen. Maybe they're tears that have needed to fall for awhile now.

Things One Should Not Say To Me Right Now

-For my wedding, I need you to...(I can't take wedding bullshit right now...sorry to anyone who's getting married.)

-We are going to X place to use our 2-person Groupon. Come with us. (Third-wheeling AND playing full price while you eat your meal for pennies? I'd rather stay home alone, thanks.)

-I asked if he remembered you. He said no. (Thank you for letting me know I'm forgettable, FRIEND. Just what I need to hear right now.)

-Do you really need to be eating that cupcake? (Fuck off, I'm eating the damn cupcake.)

-Me: Let's hang out! I'd love to see you again. Him: I have to run to a meeting. TTYL. (There's a blow-off if I've ever heard one.)

-S/he is the greatest person I've never known! I just love her/him! (Go ahead, rub your amazing relationship in my face. I don't mind.)

-You owe me more money for something you shouldn't have had to pay for in the first place. (Great, cause I love spending money I don't have on things you shouldn't have bought if you couldn't afford them in the first place. Perfect.)

-I know I haven't called you or validated your existence in over a month, but I'd love to come over and "hang-out" tonight. (There's a reason I deleted you from my phone and de-friended you on FB, asshole. Take the hint.)

-The word "dialysis." (Enough said.)

-This movie is SUCH a good date movie. He kissed me afterwards for the first time. Now you'll have to go! (Seriously?!)

-You're being overly sensitive. Just let it go. (Yep, easy for you to say.)

-It wouldn't have worked out with him anyways. You're too good for him! (And you know this, how?)

I think that after the week I've had, my cynicism towards love and life has reached new heights. I don't like that it feels SO GOOD to delete wedding/engagement/relationship/baby related emails or posts on Facebook, but it's the only thing that's getting me through this insane week.

The moral of the story? You may not want to talk to this emotionally-charged girl right now if all you have to talk about are any of the aforementioned topics. You may get yelled at, hung-up on, or completely ignored. Don't say I didn't warn you.

There are certain times in a single person's life where one's "singleness" seems especially noticeable. Yesterday was one of those days, and it hit me like a brick.

First, I almost bumped into Andrew, the guy I was in love with in high school and much of college, at the grocery store. He was with his girlfriend (who, according to his cousin, he will marry someday), so like the mature person I am I turned the other direction and walked into an aisle where I could inconspicuously watch them until they left the store to make sure he didn't see me. Before you tell me that I was being completely ridiculous, you should know the following: it's always hard to see him whether or not he's dating anyone. He'll always be that guy that I'll never 100% get over, so the thought of meeting the girlfriend and seeing them hold hands and stare lovingly at each other was unfathomable. Once they left the store I continued my shopping, sulking down the aisles and spending a little too much time in the ice cream section. I didn't buy any…at least at that point.

God, please don't let him ask me to officiate his wedding. I'm SO not strong enough to do that, You and I both know.

Later in the day, a friend (we'll call her "T" for the sake of privacy) posted on Facebook that she's "in a relationship" with a new guy (we'll call him "A.") They've been dating for a few weeks now after being set up by friend of a friend. However…I actually found A on OKCupid a day or 2 before T's friends made the connection. After a mere glance at his profile I knew he was a quality guy, so I sent him an email to start a conversation. This friend of a friend coincidentally told A about T around the same time. A few days later, T and I are at dinner with friends when I get an email response from A. A mere few minutes later, T gets a phone call from him. We look at each other like, "Oh shit, how do we handle this?"

T decided that since she had actual connections to him that she should be the one go out with him. I wasn't thrilled with the idea, but decided that I need to put sisters before misters and just roll with it. She said over and over again (even after their first couple of dates) that she didn't think she'd be interested, it would never work out, blah blah blah, and that in the end neither one of us would end up with him and life would go on.

Uh huh.

As soon as I saw T's posting on Facebook along with a cutesy photo, I got that heart-pounding-face-reddening-jaw-dropping rush of jealousy. That's bad enough. What's even worse, though, is that I felt angry. Really, really angry. It's the worst kind of anger, too, because I don't know who to direct it towards. Tammy, for going out with him even though I reached out first? Myself, for not pushing harder to agree that I should be the one to date him? To be angry at either one of us is stupid and completely useless. This is not worth ruining a friendship over.

Yet, I can't help the way I feel. Angry. Resentful. Because had things turned out differently, it could have been ME in that picture with him.

Had things turned out differently, Andrew and I could be celebrating 12 years together.

Selfish much?

I really, really, REALLY hate this side of myself. The side that can't be happy for other people when they get what I don't have. It comes out every time a friend/family member gets into a relationship, engaged, married, or pregnant. This is why I dread going to weddings and related events (well, this and a million other reasons) and usually have a miserable time underneath my smile. As much as I hate this, I have no idea how to control or change this part of me, so it never really goes away. It's frustrating, and makes me become a person I don't want to be. In the past, I'd let the feelings fester until they exploded (I remember a particularly embarrassing conversation with my friend J 2 days before her wedding in October, where I told her that I'd definitely be miserable at her wedding. I'm sure that's exactly what she wanted to hear 2 days before the greatest day of her life.) I'm trying very hard to be more honest and open with people rather than bottle up my feelings, but that seems to only get me into more trouble.

I talked to T about this last night and was very honest about how I felt. It was one of the most awkward conversations of my life. She felt bad, I felt bad, and nothing was resolved. I don't feel better, and she feels uncomfortable being happy about something she SHOULD be happy about. That's not what I want for my friend. That's not the person I want to be. Yet, despite all of my desire to change, I just don't know how.

I'd love to hear your thoughts and comments on this post--however, I ask that you please not say things like, "The right guy is just around the corner!" or "When it's meant to be it will be." or "God has someone out there just for you, you just haven't found him yet!" When you've been hearing things like that for the last 15 years to no avail, and you've just had your singleness rubbed in your face (twice in one day) those words are especially cruel and condescending.

As Carrie Bradshaw once said, "When will waiting for The One--be done?"