Sunday, December 6, 2009

Another engagement.

That makes 4 friends getting engaged within a 2 week period.

That's a lot of 'mazal tovs' and 'congratulations' and 'I'm so happy for you!'s That's a lot of engagement stories and squealing and ring showing and wedding talk.

And, for those of us who are single and wish we weren't, that's a lot of feeling sorry for ourselves.

I joke on my gchat status that friend's engagements are part happiness, part wanting to drink myself into a coma. As my friends have become engaged, I find that the happiness fades away and the desire to drink myself silly increases and increases. Not because I'm not thrilled that my friends have found the love most of us yearn for. Not even because I'm jealous and want everything they have to be for myself.

It's because every friend I've had who's ever gotten engaged, I've lost. I lose them to the "we only want to hang out with other couples" club. I lose them because a 3rd wheel is awkward for everyone, whether or not the status applies to them.

They tend to keep me around throughout the engagement process, where I am expected to squeal alongside every decision the bride makes. Once they're married, it's bye-bye boring single girl. They don't intend to drop me, and most of them make sincere claims that they never will, but regardless, it always happens.

They are another reminder of how alone I really am in this world when I ache not to be. They are the ones who tell me "someone wonderful is coming your way, I just know it" and expect me to go around thinking that just because they say it it will actually happen. In actuality, that statement only brings to light the fact that while it's happening for everyone else, it isn't happening for me. It also feels like their excuse for dropping me like a bad habit--like their blind faith makes up for the fact that once they're married, I'm outta the picture.

I know it's all me and it has nothing to do with them. I have absolutely no idea how to push my own issues aside and just be happy for them. I wish like hell that I could do that. I also wish I could be comfortable envisioning a world where it is just me, no husband or boyfriend. Right now the thought of being alone forever is too scary to face.

Please don't respond to this post with "you'll find him eventually" or "I'll always be here, even when I get married." Those really aren't the kinds of things I want to be hearing right now. If you want to tell me "I'll meet you at the bar, shots of tequila in hand," I'll be your friend for life.


Stephanie said...

I'll meet you at the bar sista. Can it be in Joplin though? Or, I'll meet you in St. Louis. I'm only 5 hours away! I love you.

Anonymous said...

There will never be a time when I won't want to have Tequilla with you! You are my best friend and a life without Trace-O isn't worth very much, in my humble opinion. :) I love you Friend, and I never, EVER want to make you feel that way. You are so important to me--I can't stress that enough.

There may be miles and mountains and distance between us, but should never be a man between us. (That actually sounds kind of sick...and this is a family blog, I'm sure!)

I love you T-Money and I can't wait to see your lovely face.