I need to start over. Rededicate my life to healthy eating, exercise, weight loss, and overall personal health and well-being.
It's been a long time since I've felt driven to be here, writing in this space. Partly because I thought very sincerely that I was okay, partly because I knew all along that I wasn't. Denial is a bitch.
I don't know what's going on with me this semester--I'm not sure if it's the fact that I've been working like a madwoman or coping with stress by eating, drinking and doing all the wrong things--but it's been impossible to be the Tracy I want to be.
The Tracy I've been for the last 2 years.
I so desperately want to find that place again where I was doing all the right things. I was busy and stressed in Israel, yet I found the time to chop veggies and exercise on my living room floor. Maybe it was my community, both in the HUC world and at Weight Watchers that kept me so committed and focused. Maybe it was the excitement of Israel and a new life and the next 5 years that guided me in the right direction.
I miss that girl who spent her summers exercising at least 1 hour a day. I miss the sweat and tears and endorphins that come with good exercise. I miss making an ass out of myself at Zumba and fighting like hell with my brother to make sure he was home from work in time for me to make it to class.
I miss writing here and having a small, wonderful community of loyal readers who supported my every step, even if I was just bitching about something petty.
How do I make time to be healthy in the midst of being a full time student and working 2 jobs?
How do I stay connected to ME when it feels like I spend my days doing things for everyone else?
How do I find that girl who was so determined to accomplish this dream that she'd turn a blind eye to pizza, falafel, ice cream without a second thought?
I miss that me.
I miss losing weight and feeling good about myself.
I miss feeling like I'm accomplishing something, especially because I know I have so much more I want to accomplish.
I need you, readers, in what feels like the most important way I've ever needed you. I need you to pull the food out of my hands and kitchen, to force me to exercise, to yell at me to keep going because this is not over yet. If any of you are still out there, please help.
The thought of going back to where I was 2.5 years ago scares the shit out of me.