Tuesday, February 3, 2009

WTF?

After posting last night, I decided to step on the scale again. It was a number that was 4lbs higher than I wanted it to be.

I weighed myself again this morning, just to see what happens, and I weighed exactly 4lbs less than I did last night.

I know you weigh less in the morning than you do at night...but 4lbs less? I'm wearing the same exact clothes (I weighed myself in my PJ's last night and this morning.) I know I haven't eaten yet today, but still...weird...

Maybe it's just my scale? I'll be pissed if that's the case, considering I paid a hefty price for that scale.

I also went to sleep last night feeling like a terrible, horrible person for gaining 4 more pounds. I'm starting to feel like I did when I was a child, after a bad WW meeting or a scolding from my grandpa. All I could think about as I was trying to fall asleep were ridiculous ways to lose that weight and then some. I'd never try any of what I thought about, but it's scary to know I'm thinking about it at all.

Maybe I need a shrink?

I'm going to try really hard to be gentle with myself, to tell myself that my body is still readjusting from vacation and time away from it's normal routine and lifestyle. It's really, really hard, however, as I discovered last night. I've been in this place before, where I've gained a little and let it discourage me enough to gain it all back. I don't want to be in that place again, especially after so much hard work and dedication to this.

And the fact that I love and respect myself in a way I never have before...I don't want to lose that.

I also realized that--as of last night's numbers--I've gained back 7.4% of the 100lbs I've lost. That's a big number and it makes me feel awful.

2 comments:

Gal aka SuperMommy said...

Don't forget about unconditional love... towards yourself. You are not the weight you gain or lose. You are you, no matter what, and you is precious, so precious. Stay on the path, remember that you are still on it, regardless of those 4 pounds, or 3 pounds, or whatever your scale decides to tell you on any given day. Tell the voice that is your grandfather, which has become so absorbed in you that it is hard to know that it's not real, not your voice, to "talk to the hand," because you don't need it anymore. Unconditional love. Unconditional.

Anonymous said...

Hi Love!

Consider this--you've still managed to keep off 92% of your initial loss, and THAT is amazing!! I weigh myself once a week, because I can't handle doing it more than that--I fluctuate up or down 8lb pounds all the time. It's terrible for your mental well being, but I'm telling you this because you need to know that EVERYONE fluctuates and it's not fair for you to beat yourself up over something that like that. You have already accomplished such an amazing goal! Did you know that 150 is my magic number too? Did you know that in order to reach that goal, I need to lose 62lbs? You have been my inspiratation, and I don't want you to lose sight of the big picture because of little bumps along the way. Please keep your chin up--I know that you can do this! And don't pay for a shrink! You can tell me all of your problems for FREE! :-) I really miss you, Friend, and I can't wait to see your lovely face.

I love you!

LeeLah