Friday, February 13, 2009

Of Mice and Women

I have mice in my kitchen.
And I want them gone.

These tiny little mice are taking over my life and my sanity. I know I'm letting them do it. I know I can control both the mice and how I respond to them. Yes, I know that I am slightly bigger than these mice that weigh no more than 2 ounces. And yes, I know that they are more afraid of me than I am of them and I need to just get over it and live my life already.

I've discovered this week that I am insanely afraid of mice.
Whenever I see one running along the wall I freak out, and my ability to accomplish anything in the hours that follow is almost completely diminished.
They are keeping me out of my kitchen, and probably making the Chinese food restaurant happy to know me.

I haven't cooked a meal in my kitchen in over a week.
I love to cook, and I feel like a part of my identity has been taken away.

I haven't felt safe in my own home in over a week, and I have yet to let my guard down and truly relax.
I haven't been sleeping well and my emotions are running high.

I'm doing surprisingly well with my eating, ordering a lot salads and steamed chicken and veggies from the Chinese place that loves me so much.
And the damn mice keep me out of my kitchen pretty much all of the time, so I'm not mindlessly munching away on food I don't really need.
I guess that's the good thing that's come out of this.

But I can't order food forever, for the sake of my wallet and my sanity I need to be cooking again.
I tried that tonight, until I saw a mouse stuck to the glue traps the exterminator set out today.
I didn't realize I'd be the one to actually kill the damn things, and I was looking for the most humane method possible, so I doused it with 409 cleaner.
Stupid me, that only allowed the mouse to free itself and run under my sink.
And then I freaked out, had an anxiety attack, and have been hiding in my bedroom ever since.

These goddamn mice are a constant reminder of how much I hate living in this city.
And how bitter I am that the rabbinical students have some say in where they can go, while cantorial students are forced to come to this hellhole of a city, go into debt simply to have a roof over our heads, and deal with bullshit like this.
It makes me angry and miserable.

I had a breakdown in t'fillah yesterday, partly because of the mice, partly because it's been a shitty week overall.
My favorite professor chewed me out over some pieces I sang in class, pieces I thought I sang well.
I looked like a moron conducting in choir the other day, screwing up my patterns and stumbling my words like I always do because I can't speak for shit.
I turned to the wrong page as I was sight-singing in music theory, causing the girls to laugh at me. They thought it was in fun, and I laughed to look like I was laughing with them when I actually felt like a total loser.
My mom tried to get me to come home for the long weekend, and then guilt tripped me up the wazoo when I told her why I couldn't. (Now I wish I had, of course.)

I wonder sometimes if I'll ever feel safe here.
If I'll ever feel at home.
If I'll ever have anyone else here besides me.
If I'll decide to give up this space and my independence and move to Brooklyn to be closer to everyone else.
If I'll ever be able to let my guard down and relax again.

Right now, I just want to go home and be with my family and crazy little dog.
Or transfer to Cincinnati and become a rabbinical student (this isn't the first time I've thought about it...not at all because I want to be a rabbi, but because I don't want to commit myself to 3 more years in this hellhole...probably not a good enough reason to switch programs.)

Dave commented on one of my earlier posts that he'd meet me in Times Square when hell freezes over.
Well, Dave, NYC is hell, and it's pretty damn cold here, so I'll meet you there in a few.

Fucking mice.

2 comments:

Gal aka SuperMommy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gal aka SuperMommy said...

I think you should move to Brooklyn. You can be plenty independent there. Of course, there are probably mice there too, and cockroaches. But at least you'd be eliminating some of the isolation you are feeling, which probably makes the whole mice thing feel worse. Sounds like life is challenging/testing your sense of inner power... big time! My sister and her boyfriend just got rid of a big cockroach problem after several months. They went completely comando on the buggers, personally blocked off every hole in their kitchen, under their sink, etc. And it worked. It was pretty gross, but they did it. Maybe it's time to summon up Comando Tracy, Urban Warrior! You'll probably feel a lot better when you do, and it will feel good to conquer some of that fear in the process. Fear is good - it warns us that something needs our attention. In this case, it's your sense of safety and comfort in your home, and that's worth fighting for.