Is it normal to walk into the gym, start up your normal routine, and just feel and think over and over again that it's just not happening?
That totally happened today, while I was attempting to do my cardio routine.
I hopped on an Elliptical trainer, a different one than I normally use because they were all taken. I set the resistance and incline and took off. 10 minutes later, I stopped because it was too intense. I re-set the machine at another resistance and incline for another 30 minutes, and took off again. Once again, I just was not feeling it. Rather than continue, I decided to give myself a break and go home.
In the car, I started crying. I don't know why, exactly, but it was a mixture of disappointment, fear and anxiety over my upcoming return to NYC, exhaustion (I haven't been sleeping well lately) and possibly overworking at yesterday's gym session, doing too much too soon after a few days off.
The tears were short lived, but necessary. I'm thinking the build up of bad energy in my body led to my lethargy at the gym. I felt better after lunch and a haircut, so I went shopping for some new, cheap bimah and school clothes.
I am now a size 14/16 in tops. I WEAR THE SMALLEST SIZE LANE BRYANT CARRIES IN THEIR STORES. It's so strange to think that it's true, yet the tags speak perfectly well for themselves. I also tried on a size 16 skirt and pair of pants, and while I couldn't breathe in either, they both buttoned and zipped completely. A small feat, but a big exciting moment in the story of my life.
2 years ago I could hardly fit into the largest size Lane Bryant carries, and now I'm the smallest.
By next year, it's entirely possible that Lane Bryant clothes will be too big for me.
It will be the first time since I was 8 YEARS OLD that I will need to shop in a regular store.
I've shopped in that store for the majority of my life. To think about shopping anywhere else is unthinkable and strange. I literally can not imagine never needing to walk into that store again because their clothes are too big. Literally, as I type this, my brain can't wrap itself around the idea.
I'm slowly beginning to shop at stores that aren't specifically plus-size. I almost bought a skirt at New York and Co the other day when I was in Cincinnati, but didn't because it was too expensive. It was a size 18, but who cares...it was from NY and Co.
Thinking back on my day, it was strange to experience such low lows and high highs in the same day, both concerning the same thing. I guess sometimes we have to recognize the reasons why we struggle with eating and exercise--that smaller size, that skirt from the "normal" store--both reasons to sweat it out and struggle through hard days of exercise.
More than anything, self-love and forgiveness is key. We all have off days that we can somehow turn on again. In the long run, today's 20 minute workout compared to my normal 50 minute workout just doesn't matter.
The day of gloom that turned into a day of celebration totally DOES matter, in the short term and in the long term.