It's been awhile since I've posted here. I can't really tell you why, except for the fact that I just haven't felt pulled to this space lately. I don't know if it's because my eating habits have been less than stellar, or because I've just been too busy to think about things, or if something deeper is keeping me away. I have lots of thoughts, lots to catch up on, though I feel the need to move forward than reflect on what's already happened.
Today in my voice lesson I became incredibly frustrated as I tried to hold my body up correctly, re-teach myself to sing a piece I know well for an important audition this weekend, and incorporate all of the vocal technique my teacher has worked so hard to teach me. After the lesson, I sat in the ladies room crying over the fact that I was completely overwhelmed by it all.
I realized that it was more than just overwhelm--it was a feeling of not having a clue who I am. I feel like I'm in this body that feels so unfamiliar and is so ugly (all this extra skin is really starting to get to me.) More than that, I don't see this body when I look in the mirror; I see the person I was 18 months ago, before I lost any weight. It's very confusing to see the opposite of what you are in the present moment, especially when you know others are looking at you in a completely different way. It's almost like a loss of control over how I put myself out to the world; as much as I try to dress and stand proudly, how is the world going to perceive me when on the inside I still feel like that 300 pound woman?
As my singing has changed in response to this new body, I've basically had to re-learn how to sing. Music has always been my saving grace, the one place I've been confident and comfortable, and now I have no idea who I am as a singer. It's frustrating and dizzying to lose that confidence in myself, particularly at a time like this.
I keep searching to find out who I am and what I am supposed to be. I keep planning for the future and ironing out the past while still feeling totally confused about my present. I'm waiting for God to show me how and what God wants me to be...I just wish I could figure it all out already.
This Sunday we are all auditioning for new pulpits for next year. It's an awful market for cantors right now, as several of the regular student pulpits have withdrawn their applications due to the crappy economy. There are roughly 16 jobs for the 20 of us who are searching, so it's inevitable that some of us won't get jobs next year. I'm applying for several positions, but the one I want is at one of the biggest congregations in NYC. My chances of actually getting the job are tiny, as I am applying with the brightest and the best that HUC has to offer.
I really wanted to go into these interviews confident and proud, though I'm not entirely sure I can do that after today's lesson. I need to work next year, so I'm hoping and praying these rabbis and cantors will find something in me that I don't see so well in myself.
Keep your fingers crossed.