Sometimes, people on dating websites IM you to say things like this:

"I know your a fatty, but I guess we can still have sex anyways...interested?"

In disgust, you respond with:

"Um, no."

And he responds with:

"Your a bitch."

(Note the terrible grammar and spelling issues that are always laughable, but especially laughable in this instance.)

And you respond by reporting him to said dating website and blocking him from contacting you ever again.

What did he think I would say to such a proposition? YES?

I was checking out this website for the first time in over a week, curious to see who'd looked at me and if anyone new had popped up. I wasn't on the site for more than 5 minutes when this happened and hadn't yet looked at a single person's profile.

I get this shit when I try too hard. And I get it when I don't try at all. It seems like everywhere I turn my friends are meeting nice, wonderful guys who treat them with the respect and dignity they deserve.

I deal with this crap over and over and over again, and wonder: What am I doing to attract these losers?

I know that someday, when I'm either laying in the arms of a wonderful man, or content with being a successful, powerful single woman, I'll laugh about this. Today, however, is not that day.

This post has been a long time coming and isn't easy to write. When it's written down for the world to read, it becomes real. When it becomes real, it becomes something I need to deal with seriously and responsibly. I'm not sure I'm ready or able to do that right now.

I'm going through a major bout of depression right now. The world as I see it is dark and heavy. It's hard to smile even when I want to. The things that I enjoy doing seem pointless. I fall asleep quickly, only to have nightmares and night sweats and body/head aches when I wake up. I don't feel like myself; I feel like someone who's been consumed with sadness and grief, yet can't possibly begin to explain the reasons why I feel this way. Nothing (besides my love life) is going wrong. I should be perfectly happy right now, and yet all I feel is tired and down all the time.

I've know that I haven't felt like myself for a few weeks now, but being at my pulpit this weekend was the straw that broke the camel's back. I literally needed to force myself to smile and be happy for 3 days straight. I tried so hard to be the Tracy they all know and love, and I realized quickly that faking joy and excitement leads to complete and utter exhaustion. From Friday night on, I longed for the comforts of home and the space to take off my smile and just feel the way I want to feel.

I've been through bouts of depression before, and I know what I need to do to pull myself out. At this point, 1 week from Rosh Hashanah, 5 months before my thesis is due, 7 months before my senior recital and 8 months from job placement, I have no other choice but to force myself out of this funk with medication and therapy.

But I don't want to do it. I don't even want to leave my apartment. Ever.

I don't want to admit I have a problem.

Because then it's real. I am the fat girl who's depressed and alone with no one to lean on. I am the cliche I've been fighting for the last 4 years.

Try writing a thesis on body image and self-love when you feel ugly and unlovable. Right now, the very idea of writing about this and presenting a recital on the topic makes me feel like a huge hypocrite.

There are no words to describe how badly I need a hug right now. A real, unselfish, all-encompassing embrace that makes me feel safe and protected and loved. And someone to tell me that everything's going to be okay and I will move past this terrible feeling and be able to feel happiness again.

Intellectually, I know I'll be fine. I've beat this before.

Emotionally, I'm not so sure.

Half a Cake

Tonight I ate half of a cake for dinner. I covered half of my half with almond butter before consuming it, alone, in front of the computer while reading old G-chat conversations with some of the guys I've dated in the past 6 months. By the time I came to my senses, I noticed half of the cake was gone. I cried (for about the 600th time today) and threw the other half of the cake away immediately. I nearly pulled a chunk out of the garbage to munch on, until I realized that was incredibly disgusting, closed the garbage bag and walked away.

It was SO Miranda Hobbes of me.

I've been in such a funk lately, and the more I try to figure out the reasons why, the funkier I feel. Truth is, it felt good to eat that cake. Comforting. Relaxing. Until the moment I realized half of it was gone. 30 minutes later, my stomach is starting to ache from all of the sugar. I'm almost positive I won't sleep tonight, even though I've been tempted to crawl into bed since 7pm.

I didn't want to eat half a cake tonight. I wanted to be held. I'm so longing for someone to put their arms around me and not let go until I tell them, only to hold on for a second longer after that. I actually tried to hug myself earlier. I wish I was kidding. It didn't have the desired effect--I must work on my self-hugging skills immediately. I have no idea what's wrong with me or how to work through whatever is going on in my head; all I know is that I want to be hugged, held so tightly I can barely breathe, more than anything in the world.

I'm trying to be gentle with myself as I work through this seemingly never-ending rough patch. But half a cake? Really?

Breathe. Tomorrow is another (sugarless) day.

My, How Things Have Changed

Sometimes, when your personal life goes to shit, it really does help to think of other things. For me, I think of food--or in this case, really good, healthy, satisfying food.

It struck me this morning, as I was cutting corn of the cob for my latest salad creation (see below), just how different my eating habits are now from when I started this journey 4 (!!!) years ago. Before I left for Israel my life was all about fast food, big portions, diet soda, meat at nearly every meal, and convenience foods. I'd eat without thinking twice about what I was eating, where it came from, and how it worked to fuel my body throughout the day.

My, how things have changed.

I am living proof that once you rid yourself of the bad stuff, your body learns to crave the good stuff. I live off of fresh fruits and vegetables, full of nutrients and vitamins that help my body to work as best as it can. Nowadays, I eat quinoa, beans, tofu, chia seeds, and millet without a second thought. I didn't even know what most of these things were prior to leaving for Israel, and if I did, I'd swear up and down that I'd never even try them. It's amazing how much a person can change their opinions and their habits when they are open to new experiences and trying things more than one time. Sometimes, your palette and your mind need time to adjust to new foods, methods of preparing them, and how one goes about eating them once prepared.

I've never quite given myself the recognition I deserve for being able to achieve this when so many people can't. I do think it's worth mentioning, especially when you grow up in the Midwest, land of chain restaurants and close-minded eating. Go me!

Make this salad sometime. It has so many flavors and textures that your mouth will dance with joy. Serve over some greens with a hunk of whole wheat bread for a nutritious and truly delicious meal.

Corn, Black Bean, and Avocado Salad

(serves 8-10, though the recipe can be easily modified for a smaller group.)

5 ears fresh corn, cut off the cob

1 small bell pepper (any color), chopped

2 small or 1 large tomato, chopped

3 scallions, chopped

1 can black beans, drained and rinsed

1 large avocado, chopped

4 small limes

3 tablespoons olive oil

1 teaspoon cumin

1/2 teaspoon coriander (fresh cilantro would be even better!)

1/4 teaspoon red pepper flakes

Salt and Pepper, to taste.

Add first 5 ingredients to a large bowl. In a separate bowl, place avocado and the juice of 1 lime. Gently mix, covering the avocado with lime juice to prevent browning, and add to the larger bowl with other ingredients. Juice the remaining limes and add to the larger bowl, along with olive oil, cumin, coriander, red pepper flakes and S&P. Chill and serve!

(Feel free to adapt ingredients to suit your tastes.)

What I DO Need to Hear Right Now

I hope Leah doesn't get mad at me for posting this, but it really was the very best email I could have received this morning. I am so lucky to have this woman, and her vibrant, warm, glowing lights, in my life. Thank you, sweet friend, and I love you, too.

So I just read your latest blog posts, and I feel compelled to let you know that my ass will be in a plane THIS AFTERNOON, if you need me. You, my friend, are so hurt right now. And I know that some of it is hormonal, but a lot of it comes from feelings that you have squashed for so many years. I think that the tears and the frustration are all part of the healing process, but I don’t want you going through any of these things alone.

I want to call up St. Louis and tell your mother to get the hell over herself. That she was an incredible daughter whom she pushes away more and more with every phone call and visit. I won’t do this, but I want to. You deserve to much more than you have right now. You need to feel supported and loved. Just knowing that is like 95% of the battle. How can you even be expected to thrive when you feel like you are dangling out there on your own? My heart just aches for you, and I understand the frustration you feel because it seems like everyone and their dog has what you want. And if you hear one more time how great you are, you might punch someone. I understand this. No words from anyone are going to make it better. But a hug from your best Lee-Lah and a glass of wine are a pretty good start.

Say the words and I’m on the next flight out. I’m serious.

I love you T-Money.

What's Really Going On

I've spent the last 2 days crying. Hormones aside, I really don't know what's making me so sad. Through the tears, I've been trying to think about what's really making me so upset; every time I do this, something new pops up and adds to my confusion. I feel like I've grown sadder and sadder as the hours have passed, and the worst part is that nothing I do to help me feel better is working as of yet.

If this really is all hormones as I think it is, these hormones are nasty bastards.

I keep thinking that maybe if I list out the thoughts in my head, the reasons that keep popping up whenever I think about why I'm feeling this way, they'll finally leave me and allow me to feel good again. As I mentioned before, nothing I've done thus far has really helped--but I guess it can't hurt to try this method, right?

1.) This whole T and A thing: Do I really give a shit about a guy I've never even met? NO. From what I've heard, this guy doesn't talk. T talks enough for 18 people. No wonder they work well together. I guess it's bugging me that I reached out first--I could have had him if T (circumstances, really) hadn't gotten in the way.

Moreso, it just adds to the fact that it's hard to see everyone else get what I've always wanted, especially those who aren't even trying to find it. I put myself out there over and over again, opening my heart and my head to people and hoping we'll connect in the way I want us to. I'm the one who lives in the vicious cycle of excitement and disappointment that is dating, and I'm the one who is actively trying to find what I want. T wasn't really trying. Others I know weren't trying either, and BOOM--love finds them. It makes me think that maybe I'm trying TOO hard, putting too much pressure on myself and the people I go out with; except I don't know how to do it any other way. There's a part of me that feels like I need to be on the fast track to love in order to catch up to everyone else, to find the One before I leave NYC (the mecca for 20 and 30-something Jews) and move to a po-dunk town to begin my career. I don't know how to stop this train of thought and just let love find me. It's hard to relinquish the control of something I've finally allowed myself to do in order to let it happen.

I've also been thinking about all of the love I DO have in my life. I realize that love (or those loves) so fully and completely that it only adds to my confusion. For the first time in my life, I'm able to see that I'm a really wonderful, beautiful person. I understand why I'm loved by so many people and how I could be so lucky as to have a wonderful community of friends and family in my life. However, if I'm so lovable to my friends and family, why am I not so lovable to the opposite sex? Why is it so difficult for a man to fall in love with me? I need to keep discovering what I'm doing (if it's even me at all) that makes it hard to love me. I think this is the reason why I hate when my friends say, "You're so wonderful, you'll find someone!" so much. I know I'm wonderful, yet love hasn't found me yet. I don't understand why that is, so anyone who tells me what I already know only adds to my confusion.

I also really, really miss T. She was a huge part of my social life here, and even though I know we need some distance right now and this is the best thing we can do for our hurting friendship, I feel the void without her. I want to go back to normal again, though I'm not sure if we can do that right now or ever.

2.) I just came back from 10 days at home with my family. The entire time, I couldn't wait to return to my single life in NYC, where I could live without the needs and demands of my mom and family. Now, I don't miss my family or St Louis in ways I used to, but I worry about them. My mom is not doing well; she's weak, tired all the time, and in need of serious medical care and assistance almost all the time. She's depressed in a big way, tired of her life and dialysis treatments and totally unaccepting of the fact that this is where her life is right now (and probably forever.) She puts so many demands on my little brother that it's depressing him, and she made my time at home and on vacation so stressful and almost miserable. I noticed very clearly that I am not the Tracy I want to be whenever I'm with her; she makes it hard for me to be my best self, and instead I find myself angry, annoyed, and stressed out whenever I'm with her. I yell at her far more than I yell at anyone else. I don't want to treat my mom that way, yet I can't help myself when she pushes me over the edge. It's so hard to balance being my best self with these angry feelings I feel towards her. I do try to be honest with her, but her own defensive attitude only seems to escalate the problem.

It also makes me wish so badly that I had a "normal" mom, someone that I could talk to about anything while I lay my head in her lap as she strokes my hair. My mom is far too self-centered to ever do anything like that; every time I try to talk to her about my love life or social life the conversation always goes back to her. It's incredibly frustrating; she's alive and present in my life, yet she can't be there for me the way I need her to be. No matter what I say to her to try to make her aware of this, she'll never understand. Therefore, I don't have the strong, older and wiser female presence I so desperately need in my life right now to help me untangle all of these feelings. I miss that.

3.) Really, what I need and want most right now, is a hug. The kind of hug only a boyfriend or a mom can give you. And I don't have either of those. Knowing that so many people have either one or the other (and that so many have both--and don't realize how lucky they are) makes me so sad. As I type this, fresh tears are falling because I want this so badly. I NEED this so badly. I need someone to hold me and tell me things are going to be okay, and remind me that my crazy hormones are taking over right now and all will be fine when the week is over. Virtual hugs, of which I've had many--don't really cut it, though they help a little.

If anything good has come out of this miserable week, it's that I've had the time to somewhat work through these things for myself. I think they've been building up inside of me all year long, and I've allowed school and boys and fun to push them aside. It does feel good to get them out into the open, even if new tears keep falling because I'm letting it happen. Maybe they're tears that have needed to fall for awhile now.

Things One Should Not Say To Me Right Now

-For my wedding, I need you to...(I can't take wedding bullshit right now...sorry to anyone who's getting married.)

-We are going to X place to use our 2-person Groupon. Come with us. (Third-wheeling AND playing full price while you eat your meal for pennies? I'd rather stay home alone, thanks.)

-I asked if he remembered you. He said no. (Thank you for letting me know I'm forgettable, FRIEND. Just what I need to hear right now.)

-Do you really need to be eating that cupcake? (Fuck off, I'm eating the damn cupcake.)

-Me: Let's hang out! I'd love to see you again. Him: I have to run to a meeting. TTYL. (There's a blow-off if I've ever heard one.)

-S/he is the greatest person I've never known! I just love her/him! (Go ahead, rub your amazing relationship in my face. I don't mind.)

-You owe me more money for something you shouldn't have had to pay for in the first place. (Great, cause I love spending money I don't have on things you shouldn't have bought if you couldn't afford them in the first place. Perfect.)

-I know I haven't called you or validated your existence in over a month, but I'd love to come over and "hang-out" tonight. (There's a reason I deleted you from my phone and de-friended you on FB, asshole. Take the hint.)

-The word "dialysis." (Enough said.)

-This movie is SUCH a good date movie. He kissed me afterwards for the first time. Now you'll have to go! (Seriously?!)

-You're being overly sensitive. Just let it go. (Yep, easy for you to say.)

-It wouldn't have worked out with him anyways. You're too good for him! (And you know this, how?)

I think that after the week I've had, my cynicism towards love and life has reached new heights. I don't like that it feels SO GOOD to delete wedding/engagement/relationship/baby related emails or posts on Facebook, but it's the only thing that's getting me through this insane week.

The moral of the story? You may not want to talk to this emotionally-charged girl right now if all you have to talk about are any of the aforementioned topics. You may get yelled at, hung-up on, or completely ignored. Don't say I didn't warn you.