Intense

I just got back from a therapy session, one of the most intense and powerful of them all. As I type this, my heart is still racing and my hands are still shaking from the meditation exercise Esther guided me in. She seems to think that when problems are brought to the surface by meditation, it is easier to let them go, to let them release from my mind and body and soul. She brought up something so powerful today, something that is always there in the back of my mind, something I don't let myself feel on a regular basis because of what I experienced a few minutes ago.

After a period of deep breathing, she asked me to find something in my soul that caused me distress. Not to try hard to find it--just to concentrate on whatever came up. Immediately, without a thought, I began to envision all the men in my life who've caused me to be afraid of love. I could see their faces and hear their voices, I could remember all of the moments I've been trying so hard to forget.

One by one, they started popping into my head: My grandpa, with his words of ugliness and incompetency. My dad, with his moodiness and violent streaks and how we needed to walk on eggshells to not upset him. Andrew, my first "love", who repeatedly told me he would give any girl a chance, but laughed at the thought of loving me (despite my confessed love to him.) Wil, my old therapist, with whom I'd had a major breakthrough, finally letting down my walls and trusting him, only to hear that he was leaving the office and couldn't be my therapist anymore.

As I sat there, hearing the voices and seeing the faces and reliving moments I so desperately wanted to forget, I could feel my muscles clench and my eyes water. I could feel my brow furrowing itself into a headache. I could feel my heart rate and breath rapidly increase as though I was having a panic attack. I felt confined in my body, as though I couldn't move. As I went on, the voices got louder and the faces got bigger. I was right back in those places I thought I never needed to revisit. All I could think was "get me away from here!" and yet I couldn't leave. I needed to stay and face it and physically push the memories away. It took me a good 20 or so minutes to really relax enough to even talk about my experience.

There are reasons why I can not open up to men and be myself around them. There are reasons why I put up walls and feel uncomfortable. These memories I faced today, and am still facing now, are those reasons. The feelings of incompetency, of abandonment, of trying so hard to please my grandpa and make Andrew love me, all of them spinning in my brain again and coming back to the surface. They need to go. They need to be free so I can let myself trust and love and share with another human being. They need to be let loose so I don't have to be afraid to trust and love and share with myself.

THIS is what I've been waiting for and working towards.

I didn't know it could be this hard, that I'd been suppressing these memories and feelings for so long. I know it is going to continue to be hard work to let all of this go. I want to say that I am 100% ready to take it all on, but I just don't know if I can handle it right now, in the midst of moving to NYC, starting over, going back to school.

But I can do it, because my soul needs me to. And because my soul mate--wherever he may be right now--needs me to.

I am mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. My head still aches from the pressure it was under. I feel the need for a good dinner, a good cry, and maybe a book or movie to take my mind off of everything.

I don't ask for this often, but if you pray, please pray that I will have the strength to let this all go like I need to.

Goals for the Week

1. To drink as much water as possible--I'm beginning to wonder if my constant hunger (and it is legitimate hunger, not emotional eating or anything like that) is not a result of exercising too much, but of not drinking enough water and being dehydrated. Will be interesting to see what happens.
2. To get on the tough monster of a machine every day this week for a full 15 minutes.
3. To finally get my pants and new little black dress to a tailor for alterations.
4. To FINALLY finish the liturgy paper that has been hanging over my head all year long.
5. To sing through a few pieces of the HHD music that will soon become a huge, exciting challenge.
6. To pray every day. Pray for myself, for others, for the world, and for the beautiful being who urgently needs God to hold her right now. To find time to just be with God.
7. To remember these words and keep share them with anyone who might need to hear them:

"Hope is the thing with feathers--That perches in the soul--And sings the tune without the words--And never stops--at all."
~Emily Dickinson

How Much Good Can YOU Do?

This morning at the gym, for no particular reason, I decided to hop on a machine I had struggled through and given up on when I first started my routine a few weeks ago. Something was drawing me back to this machine, and while I didn't know why at first, I decided to listen to that something and try the machine again. I stepped on the pedals, played with the buttons as I set my weight and distance, and all of the sudden it hit me. I needed to be on this machine to struggle, to huff and puff and blow lots of good healthy air towards my friend Tikva. Tikva, born June 10, has been thriving and amazing everyone around her despite life-threatening circumstances. Her mom, Gal, sent out a request for specific visions and prayers to help Tikva breathe easily, digest her healthy milk and formula without reflux, and continue to thrive and amaze all of the people in her life. As I stepped onto this machine, I realized that I could do my part to help Tikva by asking God to temporarily allow ME to struggle for her while I exercised. For 15 minutes, I decided to huff and puff and sweat and struggle as hard as I could so that Tikva could take a break and breathe easily. I don't know how it turned out on Tikva's end, but for me, my prayer resulted in an amazing and empowering workout. I did struggle non-stop while on the machine, but I made it through, smiling hugely as I pictured Tikva's gorgeous face and strong, healthy lungs.

So I have a charge for any of you who read this: Whenever you workout or challenge yourself physically, take a minute to ask God to let YOU struggle so that sweet baby girl can breathe easily for the duration of your exercise. Send her all of the good, strong breaths you can exhale. Push yourself as hard as you can so she can relax and enjoy the simple pleasure of non agitated breathing.

Imagine the good we could do for Tikva and her family if we all came together to do this for her.

As you exercise and pray, remind yourself and God that You're With Tikva. I know I am :)

Take THAT

To my surprise, after the bitter post about last night's horrible dinner experience, I woke up right away this morning, full of energy and ready to start the day. Too bad I couldn't go to the gym this morning (I am singing a shabbat service in a few minutes, and I don't like to exercise so close to when I sing--I'm planning on hitting the gym this afternoon, no worries.) Instead, I decided to cook myself a huge and hearty yet still low-points breakfast. I threw some diced green pepper and white onion into a pan, sauteed them until they were tender, and then added a few egg whites and scrambled it all. I finished them off with half a piece of Trader Joe's amazing low fat cheddar cheese (what did I do this past year without Trader Joe's? SERIOUSLY.) I sliced a beautiful tomato from the farmer's market and crisped up a Trader Joe's Whole Wheat and Flaxseed tortilla to make some baked tortilla chip like things and that was my breakfast. I am SO FULL right now of protein, whole grains, vitamins and nutrients and feel ready to take on my shabbat service and a busy Saturday.

I ate an entire dinner sized plate full of delicious food for...

4.5 points.

3 egg whites=1 point
1/2 piece of TJ's lowfat cheddar=1 point
1/4 tsp olive oil for sauteeing=0.5 point
1 TJ's Whole Wheat and Flaxseed tortilla=2 points
1/2 green pepper=0 points
1/2 white onion=0 points
1 gorgeous locally grown tomato=0 points

Take that, Growler's!

Restaurants

Restaurants, wake up and get a fucking clue.

It is NOT okay to charge me $11 for a plain chicken breast and dinky spoonful of rice. I could easily make the same thing at home for under $3.
It is NOT okay to charge $15 for a 6 oz piece of fish (tilapia...the salmon was even more expensive) when the 8 oz burger is half the price.
It is NOT okay to ignore my requests to leave the cheese and croutons off my salad and then give me a plate so I can remove the bad stuff myself instead of making me a new salad. Especially when you don't promptly return to take the plate away, giving me the opportunity to eat the delicious homemade croutons I love (and of course I ate every single one of them and now feel as though I let some silly stale pieces of butter-soaked bread break my strong resolve--which is exactly what happened.)
It is NOT okay to not have a healthy option on your menu that isn't a salad (which, given the bleu cheese, eggs, bacon, croutons, and high-fat dressing, isn't even a healthy option.)
It is NOT okay to make me feel like a pain in the ass for requesting healthier options instead of french fries or gloppy potato salad.
It is NOT okay to not make an effort to please your customers, to leave them feeling depressed, bad about themselves, and hugely disappointed in this world that seems to constantly ridicule and discourage fat people--especially when they're working like hell to not be fat people anymore.

And even though I know I'm right, there's still a little voice inside my head that says, "Tracy, it's just food."

I am an emotional eater. After years of denying it, there it is.

It infuriates me to know that what I really wanted for dinner I will probably never be allowed to eat again. It saddens me to realize this particular restaurant is just another one I will have to cross of my list. It aggravates me to know that even when I do allow myself to indulge, all I can think about is how bad the calories are and how much I shouldn't be eating whatever it is I am eating. It brings me to tears to watch my mom eat a delicious hamburger and homemade potato chips while I eat yet another boring chicken breast and salad.

And yet, all it is is ONE meal. ONE out of the THOUSANDS of meals I will eat in my lifetime. No need for emotional attachment, yet it is completely there and not willing to let go.

I am tired and need to sleep. Maybe more on this tomorrow.

Thursday Night Report

Instead of working out today, I decided to give myself a break after job #1 and go to my WW meeting this afternoon.

I lost 1 pound in 2 weeks. Considering I've been busting my ass at the gym almost every day the past 14 days, I was a little disappointed with the numbers. But, everyone has weeks like this, and the way that I've been eating hasn't been as great as it could have been. And between the Bat Mitzvah and my birthday and my homemade lower-fat banana bread (which I tend to forget still has calories and fat grams) I can't say I'm all that surprised. Ah, well, life goes on. 1 pound down is a lot better than 1 pound up!

This week has been a busy one, as I've been working 2 jobs, preparing Shabbatot to sing for, house-sitting, and working on my still unfinished liturgy paper and sermon for Aug 8. It's getting to the point where I can see how tough it is to track points and make sure I get to the gym as often as possible. I guess I'd forgotten what real life is like (i.e. what life will be like once I get into the swing of school again) and I realized that I am going to have to work extra hard to maintain and lose more weight.

I know I should be up for the challenge.
I know I should be enthusiastic about my new healthy ways.
I know I should be envisioning the Tracy I want to see in another year.
I know, I know, I know.

But for now, the thought of adding on to my gym routine (which is already kicking my ass) or giving up any more food or trying any sort of new technique is completely exhausting. It's hard to want to do more, though I realize as the numbers on the scale get smaller I am going to have to work harder to keep them decreasing.

I think for today, until I get over this gloomy patch, I am going to think about today.
Right here, right now.
What I need to do to make today the healthiest day it can be.

There are definitely days where the future looks bright, where I can envision myself thinner and healthier and stronger.
Today just isn't one of them.
And every now and then, I am okay with having one of those days.

-83.

I Am Worth It

One of the things I hate most about this whole process are the people who simply don't understand what it means to be on a weight-loss program. Actually, it's more the people who think they understand, and in reality have no idea that what they're saying or doing to you is more destructive than helpful.

2 examples from recent days:

1. Last night I went to a favorite restaurant with my mom, brother, and 2 of my mom's close friends whom I have known for years. I order the sweet and sour chicken dish, sauce on the side, with as little oil as possible on the veggies, as well as a side salad with dressing on the side. What happens? My salad comes, drenched in ranch dressing, which I can't eat. So I sit and wait for another salad, which comes somewhat quickly. Then, when our entrees are served, my chicken comes to me swimming in sugary sweet and sour sauce with the excess oil from the veggies floating at the top. I immediately send it back, only to receive a plate with the sauce on the side and veggies even more oily than before. As I am feeling like a terrible person, my brother calls the waiter back and uses his restaurant manager lingo (it's nice that he's studying hotel and restaurant management and knows how to talk to people in this situation) to demand the plate be taken back and the manager be sent over to our table. Finally, I get my order the way I ordered it, the price of the plate taken off the bill, and a gift certificate for another visit.

Meanwhile, everyone else at the table was finished and watching me eat my chicken, which I felt the need to fork down as fast as I could (though everyone repeatedly told me to take my time.) And I felt like a huge bitch for putting the poor waiter through hell and probably forcing him to take a pay cut for the night.

2. Just a few minutes ago, I was chatting it up with a friend (the same cynic of a friend from a few posts ago...) who is moving back to St Louis a few days before I leave for NYC, who is in town right now to apartment hunt. We're going to see Mamma Mia tomorrow night, and she suggested we get ice cream afterwards. And I say something to the effect of "Sounds good, as long as we can go somewhere where I can eat, too." She begins to tell me how she doesn't like WW because of moments like this, where you can't cheat and have that ice cream cone and just hop back on the next day, and blah blah blah. I interrupt her mid sentence to ask her NOT to go on, and not to tell me the reasons why my program is bad. I tell her that the program is working beautifully for me, that most of the time I am content with it, and that all I need her to say are things to the effect of "Yay, Tracy!"--words that respect my lifestyle and wishes. She can eat whatever the fuck she wants, but she needs to accept the fact that my choices are just that: MY CHOICES.

Once again, I felt like the biggest bitch in the world.

Except I know that I'm not a bitch. I am FINALLY standing up for myself and what my body, mind and soul all deserve. I am worth sending back a few plates and sticking up for the program that is teaching me healthy habits. I am worth my friends' or waiters' momentary discomfort and/or dissatisfaction.

I am even worth pissing people off now and then.

Especially when I go into a store and buy a perfect little black dress, and for the first time in my life consider wearing the sleeveless dress without a sweater over it. Hasn't happened yet (just bought the dress yesterday...) but I have a feeling it's coming.

I am so worth it all.