Questions

Recently, around the time when I was really excited over my date with Brian, when I was really worried about how I wasn't all that attracted to him, a good friend told me that "girls like us are never going to find attractive men. They don't want us. Just deal with it and keep seeing him."

Now, this friend is not fat. Never has been, never will be. She also isn't a pretty girl, more because of her own laziness and choosing than her natural physical appearance. She has everything she needs to be labeled as "attractive" except for the effort and attitude.

But, according to this friend, because I am fat, I am automatically put into the "unattractive" category when it comes to men. Without actually saying it, she decided that the cluster of men I have to choose from is different from that of the average woman BECAUSE OF MY WEIGHT.

But what if, despite the numbers on the scale and the tags on my clothes, I think I am pretty?
What if I do believe that I have the right to choose who I want to date, the kinds of men I am interested in?
What if I think it's okay to be selective, to not want to date a guy because I'm not attracted to him?
What if I keep the faith that someday a wonderful, handsome man is going to find me and fall madly in love with me, like Link and Tracy in Hairspray?

Am I crazy for keeping these hopes with me? Is it true that the man of my dreams will never look my way because of my weight?

I so badly want to poll the men in my life and ask them what they think about this. I don't necessarily think I have the best men to ask; the only ones I trust are either gay or too sweet to tell me the truth. I just want to know what the average man would think about the following questions, provided he was single and looking:

A woman in your life comes up to you and confesses her undying love and devotion to you. She's perfect: an intelligent, sweet, funny, successful, driven, family-oriented, religious (or not, depending on your religious inclinations), beautiful girl. EXCEPT--she weighs 250lbs. Would you give her a chance, knowing she'd love you and would naturally be everything you're looking for? Or would you cast her aside, reasoning that someone better would come along?

I guess no one is perfect. It just amazes me the number of guys who'd rather date a lunatic than a girl who's working to take off too many extra pounds.

Opinions, Please!!

First of all, I'm a little ashamed to be posting this...feels narcissistic or something. Sorry about that.

For awhile now I've been wanting to buy a new suit. I've been on the lookout, tried on a bunch of options, and haven't found anything that fits particularly well or is all that flattering.

That said, I found something this morning that I might be into. BUT--since I'm never 100% sure about these things, and those of you who read this seem to have great senses of fashion, I want your opinion. I need my stylists!! Before I show you, I should tell you a few things about it.

1. I LOVE the jacket and the look as a whole. I don't think it makes me look boxy or masculine, which I normally think when I'm in a suit.
   
2. The jacket=size 20. The pants=size 18. I took pictures of the tags for evidence, just in case I am making this all up in my head. Size 18 pants? NEVER happened before, ever.
   
3. The whole suit cost me $48, tax and all. Brilliant.
4. The pants are the one thing I can't quite decide on. I'm not really a wide-leg girl, and since I have no butt, I don't know if I can really pull them off. The size 20's were too big in the leg, even though I really have to squeeze into the 18's (but they fit!) Maybe a tailor can work some magic on them?

The pics were tough to take, and I didn't realize how dirty my mirror was until after I'd taken the pictures, so my apologies if the suit itself is hard to see. I'm wearing my 2-inch heel boots in the pics, so I need to find some cute heels to go with it. Yay for new shoes!

The sizes. Yep, they're real. I still can't believe it myself. I also love the teeny-tiny polka dots.

The jacket

The pants--see the bulk in the hip and thigh area? Can a tailor fix that?

Front view

Side view

So what do we think? I won't be offended by opinions since I struggle with knowing what works and what doesn't. Thanks in advance for your help!

Strange

I keep thinking about what I wrote in my last post, about how I see something completely different when I look at myself than how others see me. Life keeps throwing all these signs at me, like the saleslady this morning who said, "oh, there's no way you could be a size 22--no way!" or the pair of size 18 pants I bought. I just can't wrap my head around the fact that my body is shrinking to sizes I never thought I'd fit into, to numbers I never knew I could reach.

Why is it so hard for me to believe what is happening? I know I'm following the rules (at least I am now that the holidays are over and I'm back in NYC.)
Why is it so hard for me to see myself as skinnier now, even though the numbers prove it time and time again?
Why did I believe it so easily last year? What was so different that made everything so much clearer?

Body dysmorphia is a strange thing.

On an entirely different note, the guy I broke up with last week just sent me an e-card saying he'd like to talk to me. Why he didn't just call me, I don't know. I'm not going to get back to him; I have no desire to see him anymore, and though I know I'm irresistible (:-p), I really have no desire to make him think we have a chance when we don't.

2 new guys are on the schedule for this week. This dating thing is fun!

More on the JDate thing later, especially on the creepiness of online dating and the guys who are desperate to date a woman like me. It's kind of gross, actually (I talked to a guy last night who told me that "the big girls spread easy"--needless to say, I wanted to VOMIT and blocked him immediately.)

Strange.

Closer and Closer

To someone trying to lose weight, there is no better feeling than putting on that size you never thought you could wear and having it fit PERFECTLY.

That happened not once, but twice today.

First, while roaming the Mizzou bookstore today with Leah, I came across an adorable pink hoodie, on clearance, in a size XL. I haven't worn a sweatshirt without 2 or more X's in...well, ever. And it fit. Beautifully.

I had absolutely no intentions of walking out of the bookstore with the pink hoodie. I don't need it. I can't afford it. So did I buy it? Absa-freakin'-lutely. Love it, both for what it is and what it means to me.

Then, after Leah left Como (after the most perfect afternoon I could ask for) I went to Lane Bryant to see what was on sale. To my surprise, every single top in my normal size 22/24 was too big. The next size down, 18/20, fit just right. Total surprise to me, but totally wonderful. For shits and giggles, I decided to try on the next size down of the jeans I would normally buy. Again, they fit BEAUTIFULLY. If I hadn't just bought and altered 3 new pair a few months ago, I would have bought all the pairs the store had in my size. I'm proud of myself for holding back.

Leah mentioned today that I am far skinnier than I think I am. I've always heard that when losing weight, especially as much weight as I have to lose, it sometimes takes awhile for your brain to catch up with your body in terms of how you see yourself. Her comment got me thinking: Will I ever be able to look at myself in the mirror and see a thin person? I'm not thin, yet, but if and when I get there, will I still see the Tracy I was a year ago? Will it be impossible for me to acknowledge myself as "thin" when I've always known myself as "fat"? Just an interesting question to ponder in the midst of this incredible transformation.

In my last post I wrote about needing some inspiration to get back on the ball with my healthy lifestyle. I'm thinking that today's clothing extravaganza might have been the wake-up call I needed. I can't let myself go back to where I was; I'm having too much fun with my smaller clothes and ability to move and get around easily. I don't know if today came because God knew I needed it, or if a couple of other people "up there" were chiming in, but whoever is responsible I am eternally grateful. It's funny how life tosses these moments at you just as you need them.

These moments allow me to turn down that second piece of challah, to not feel ashamed to ask for what I need, to get my butt back to the gym on a regular basis, to keep measuring and weighing my portions. I need to hold onto these moments and never, ever let them go, at least not until I reach my goal.

Will you remind me of them whenever I forget?

Whitney, we're looking in the 18/20's now ;)

Inspiration Needed

I went to Dave and Gal's websites this morning to watch some videos of Tikva from when she was doing well. I guess I needed to be reminded of my inspiration, of the person who helped me to push myself this summer to stay with my good, healthy routine. The routine that I'm not keeping up with now, for a lot of different reasons that now feel like mere excuses.

I remember seeing Tikva's face before she was born. I remember her coaxing me through the water when I was swimming after camp everyday. I remember the commitment I made to her and to myself the day she died, promising both of us I wouldn't give up on this.

And now, to some extent, I feel like a failure. I've broken my committment to her, and also to myself.

I'm not a failure, in the slightest, but if the last couple weeks have shown me anything, it's that I need to try a lot harder. Stress does not mean it's okay to eat everything in sight. Anxiety does not give me permission to give up everything I've worked so hard for. It's okay to tell the people in South Bend what I've done and what I continue to do so I can eat appropriately. And I will, slowly, when the time is right, tell certain people there what I've done, with the hope that they will alert others. News travels fast in a little Jewish community like that.

All my life I've had a fear of disappointment. I don't want to let anyone down by gaining back any of the weight I've lost this year. I don't want to disappoint people who are expecting me to lose more when just the opposite happens. I don't want to disappoint myself, my best self, the Tracy that I was this summer when I was eating really well and exercising every day.

I really, really want to go to Cincy next year and see everyone, including Dave and Gal, and blow their minds with how well I've done. I want to hug them and burst into happy tears because they were all such a part of my dream come true.

I just need to get that motivation back. That motivation that was so strong all of last year, all of last summer.

One of the downsides to being a Jewish leader is that you sometimes feel like you have to worry about the logistical aspects of the service and don't have much of a chance to pray for yourself. I kind of feel like Rosh Hashana came and went without any chance for personal reflection, and I fear Yom Kippur, with it's 5 services, will be the same way. I'm trying SO HARD to reflect and repent and connect with God this week, between the holy days, so I can find God in my own way while still doing my job. I trust it will get easier in time, when it isn't my very first ever HHD's as cantor. I guess we'll see. But I know I need God right now--it's to the point where the job feels entirely too big to handle on my own, even with the people I have who are busily cheering me on. I need some sort of divine intervention, and there's no better time to ask for it than right now.

Hashiveini Adonai Elecha--let me return to You, God. Let me live up to b'tzelem Elohim, the finest image of You I can be.

Life is going to change after HHD's. It has to. I deserve the best health I can have for myself, and that certainly won't be found with what I am doing now.

I still have Hope.

Always will.

Catching Up

I'm sorry I haven't posted on here in forever. It's been a completely crazy week, and so many things are going on in the world and in my head that it almost seems like too much to write down.

It's the second day of Rosh Hashana, and I am home in St Louis after spending the weekend in South Bend at my student pulpit. It was a wonderful Shabbat and Rosh Hashana, and despite the many, many mistakes that were made, everyone was happy with the services we led.

The week preceeding my visit was insane, as I had a ton of music to learn and 11 verses of Torah to chant last Thursday at HUC t'fillah. All good things, but stressful and exhausting. I realized more than ever last week how I deal with anxiety by eating, as I pretty much ate anything that came within 100 feet of me. A week of bagels, take-out, chocolate, coffee, etc. All of my healthy eating rules and habits flew out the window. I just couldn't think about it in the midst of HHD prep and the stresses of school. I'm kind of ashamed of myself, actually, though I'm trying to be gentle about it and remember that everyone has weeks like this, and that everyone makes mistakes.

It's also really hard to follow a diet when people host you for meals; sweet and wonderful Jewish mama's who take the time to bake homemade challah (who can resist that?) and prepare food straight from their hearts and souls. I did the best I could, but it's virtually impossible for me to say no to one of my sweet congregants who've been cooking especially for me. Saying no is also one of my biggest personal issues; at some point, I will have to learn how.

There's also been the whole boy issue this week. We went out again last Tuesday night, and while he was very sweet, I just didn't feel the same connection to him that I did on our first date. He was dressed like my Uncle Larry, and while my uncle is a sweet man, it's hard to kiss a guy who reminds me so much of him. He also wanted to make out in front of this group of old men on my doorstep, which freaked me out. PDA is not something I'm comfy with, nor is getting too physical too quickly. I also get the impression that he's really desperate to get into a stable relationship, and while I say that I want it, I kind of feel like I want to play the field a bit before I commit to anything. It's amazing how quickly the mind can change.

And now I need to figure out a way to tell him I don't want to see him anymore without saying, "Shana tova! BTW, I don't really want to date you..." He hasn't really done anything wrong, I'm just not feeling him the way I want to be. And I don't think I can, now that I'll always associate him with Uncle Larry.

I feel horrible about being superficial, but I'm allowed to have some say so in the matter, right? I'm allowed to not be attracted to someone, right? It doesn't make me a horrible person, right?

How do you tell someone you don't really want to see them again? I've never been in the position of the "dumper", and I want to do it in a way that honors his dignity and treats him respectfully. He deserves both of those things.

Anyways, happy and healthy new year to all of you out there. May 5769 bring you all the best and so much love, health, and happiness.

Potential

I can't help but be really excited by the potential that awaits me. The potential for something special, something meaningful, something I've been searching for for a long time.

I spent a long time last night deliberating what I really want from a person, what is the most important. I took the time to really think about what I need, what I am able to give to someone else, what he can give me.

I hope I'm ready to move forward with this. I hope I can handle it alongside everything else going on in my life right now.

I hope the jitters and the excited feeling in the pit of my stomach never go away. I hope the Tracy that was flirty and open and excited can stick around for awhile, maybe forever.

I hope that what he said was really true, that he's actually seeing me for what I am and not just telling me things he thinks I want to hear.

It's all so new for me. It's nice and exciting and making me unable to think about the fact that Rosh Hashana is in a week and I still have music to learn and organize. It's pretty exciting, indeed.

This, after a few conversations on the phone and one fantastic afternoon.
And a kiss. OK, 2 kisses. OK, maybe a few.

There is always the potential for things to go sour. But for now, I'm excited by the mere fact that there is potential at all, and that both parties seem excited by it.