Is it possible to be both excited and utterly terrified about going on a 4 day trip to a new city with a guy you've been dating for almost 4 months? I think it is...cause that's exactly how I'm feeling right now on the verge of leaving for Myrtle Beach, SC on Friday morning.

We need to have a couple of major discussions this weekend pertaining to our relationship. There's a certain topic that's been weighing heavily on my heart the last month or so and I need to get it out into the open. I'm nervous about how he'll react, whether he'll close up or be willing to talk about it and make the necessary changes. The discussion needs to happen for my own well-being, to quiet the neurotic voices in my head that won't shut the hell up. Until it does, though, I'm nervous.

By the way, I'm pretty sure it's impossible to find pretty things to wear to bed if you weigh more than 100 pounds. I tried looking for some new PJs that are slightly more attractive than my old tshirts and sweatpants, but everything I tried made me feel horrible about myself. Any suggestions on where to find such things? I've tried Victoria's Secret, the Gap, Macy's...

Sigh.

Back Again

I'm amazed at how quickly time passes. Simply amazed. The last time I wrote a blog post, I was still in the researching stages of my thesis process. Now, the thesis is done and submitted, I'm working on my recital, and in the beginning stages of looking for jobs. This is all a little crazy and surreal, though it's been an amazing ride thus far; I'm sure it will continue.

Some recent thoughts...

The thesis-writing process was tough for many reasons. First of all, I am not an academic. I don't enjoy writing papers. Writing for intellectuals is just not my strength (and I'm really fine with that). However, the writing was the easiest part of the whole process. The hardest part was, surprisingly, the emotional stuff that kept popping up as the writing happened. I knew this process would be emotionally challenging, but in reality, it forced me to deal with so much of the crap that I've danced around for the past 29 years. New issues continue to arise as the days pass by (especially because the recital is based around the emotional journey from bondage to liberation) and I keep waiting for the healing to be complete.

As part of my thesis research, I read Geneen Roth's Women Food and God, which changed me in so many ways. She claims that the best way to deal with the pain of one's past is not by eating or turning to other addictive behaviors; rather, one should sit with the pain, feel it, honor it, and let the healing come when it's ready. I've been trying to allow the pain to come when it does, and rather than salving it with food, I'm trying to feel each painful moment. It's difficult, especially in this time of impending change and the need to put my best foot forward and find a job, but it's necessary. The catharsis is amazing in its own way...everyday, I feel a little different, a little more healed, a little more like my authentic self.

In other news, there's a man in my life :) His name is Glenn, he's 36 from Jersey City and he's wonderful. It's been an interesting journey the last 3 1/2 months, but it's so nice to have someone who is proud to call me his girlfriend and who goes out of his way to show me that he cares for me. It's not a perfect relationship (we have our issues like any couple does) and I have no idea where it's going--especially when I leave NYC in June--but I'm enjoying his company and having fun being treated like a lady.

Upward and onward, my friends.

Killing Us Softly

If you care about yourselves and the world around you, you'll watch this 40-ish minute presentation immediately. It's kind of amazing how the media can influence us in such drastic and sad ways.

Part one:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ujySz-_NFQ&feature=related

Part two:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E4-1xCf3I7U&feature=related

Sometimes, people on dating websites IM you to say things like this:

"I know your a fatty, but I guess we can still have sex anyways...interested?"

In disgust, you respond with:

"Um, no."

And he responds with:

"Your a bitch."

(Note the terrible grammar and spelling issues that are always laughable, but especially laughable in this instance.)

And you respond by reporting him to said dating website and blocking him from contacting you ever again.

What did he think I would say to such a proposition? YES?

I was checking out this website for the first time in over a week, curious to see who'd looked at me and if anyone new had popped up. I wasn't on the site for more than 5 minutes when this happened and hadn't yet looked at a single person's profile.

I get this shit when I try too hard. And I get it when I don't try at all. It seems like everywhere I turn my friends are meeting nice, wonderful guys who treat them with the respect and dignity they deserve.

I deal with this crap over and over and over again, and wonder: What am I doing to attract these losers?

I know that someday, when I'm either laying in the arms of a wonderful man, or content with being a successful, powerful single woman, I'll laugh about this. Today, however, is not that day.

This post has been a long time coming and isn't easy to write. When it's written down for the world to read, it becomes real. When it becomes real, it becomes something I need to deal with seriously and responsibly. I'm not sure I'm ready or able to do that right now.

I'm going through a major bout of depression right now. The world as I see it is dark and heavy. It's hard to smile even when I want to. The things that I enjoy doing seem pointless. I fall asleep quickly, only to have nightmares and night sweats and body/head aches when I wake up. I don't feel like myself; I feel like someone who's been consumed with sadness and grief, yet can't possibly begin to explain the reasons why I feel this way. Nothing (besides my love life) is going wrong. I should be perfectly happy right now, and yet all I feel is tired and down all the time.

I've know that I haven't felt like myself for a few weeks now, but being at my pulpit this weekend was the straw that broke the camel's back. I literally needed to force myself to smile and be happy for 3 days straight. I tried so hard to be the Tracy they all know and love, and I realized quickly that faking joy and excitement leads to complete and utter exhaustion. From Friday night on, I longed for the comforts of home and the space to take off my smile and just feel the way I want to feel.

I've been through bouts of depression before, and I know what I need to do to pull myself out. At this point, 1 week from Rosh Hashanah, 5 months before my thesis is due, 7 months before my senior recital and 8 months from job placement, I have no other choice but to force myself out of this funk with medication and therapy.

But I don't want to do it. I don't even want to leave my apartment. Ever.

I don't want to admit I have a problem.

Because then it's real. I am the fat girl who's depressed and alone with no one to lean on. I am the cliche I've been fighting for the last 4 years.

Try writing a thesis on body image and self-love when you feel ugly and unlovable. Right now, the very idea of writing about this and presenting a recital on the topic makes me feel like a huge hypocrite.

There are no words to describe how badly I need a hug right now. A real, unselfish, all-encompassing embrace that makes me feel safe and protected and loved. And someone to tell me that everything's going to be okay and I will move past this terrible feeling and be able to feel happiness again.

Intellectually, I know I'll be fine. I've beat this before.

Emotionally, I'm not so sure.

Half a Cake

Tonight I ate half of a cake for dinner. I covered half of my half with almond butter before consuming it, alone, in front of the computer while reading old G-chat conversations with some of the guys I've dated in the past 6 months. By the time I came to my senses, I noticed half of the cake was gone. I cried (for about the 600th time today) and threw the other half of the cake away immediately. I nearly pulled a chunk out of the garbage to munch on, until I realized that was incredibly disgusting, closed the garbage bag and walked away.

It was SO Miranda Hobbes of me.

I've been in such a funk lately, and the more I try to figure out the reasons why, the funkier I feel. Truth is, it felt good to eat that cake. Comforting. Relaxing. Until the moment I realized half of it was gone. 30 minutes later, my stomach is starting to ache from all of the sugar. I'm almost positive I won't sleep tonight, even though I've been tempted to crawl into bed since 7pm.

I didn't want to eat half a cake tonight. I wanted to be held. I'm so longing for someone to put their arms around me and not let go until I tell them, only to hold on for a second longer after that. I actually tried to hug myself earlier. I wish I was kidding. It didn't have the desired effect--I must work on my self-hugging skills immediately. I have no idea what's wrong with me or how to work through whatever is going on in my head; all I know is that I want to be hugged, held so tightly I can barely breathe, more than anything in the world.

I'm trying to be gentle with myself as I work through this seemingly never-ending rough patch. But half a cake? Really?

Breathe. Tomorrow is another (sugarless) day.

My, How Things Have Changed

Sometimes, when your personal life goes to shit, it really does help to think of other things. For me, I think of food--or in this case, really good, healthy, satisfying food.

It struck me this morning, as I was cutting corn of the cob for my latest salad creation (see below), just how different my eating habits are now from when I started this journey 4 (!!!) years ago. Before I left for Israel my life was all about fast food, big portions, diet soda, meat at nearly every meal, and convenience foods. I'd eat without thinking twice about what I was eating, where it came from, and how it worked to fuel my body throughout the day.

My, how things have changed.

I am living proof that once you rid yourself of the bad stuff, your body learns to crave the good stuff. I live off of fresh fruits and vegetables, full of nutrients and vitamins that help my body to work as best as it can. Nowadays, I eat quinoa, beans, tofu, chia seeds, and millet without a second thought. I didn't even know what most of these things were prior to leaving for Israel, and if I did, I'd swear up and down that I'd never even try them. It's amazing how much a person can change their opinions and their habits when they are open to new experiences and trying things more than one time. Sometimes, your palette and your mind need time to adjust to new foods, methods of preparing them, and how one goes about eating them once prepared.

I've never quite given myself the recognition I deserve for being able to achieve this when so many people can't. I do think it's worth mentioning, especially when you grow up in the Midwest, land of chain restaurants and close-minded eating. Go me!

Make this salad sometime. It has so many flavors and textures that your mouth will dance with joy. Serve over some greens with a hunk of whole wheat bread for a nutritious and truly delicious meal.

Corn, Black Bean, and Avocado Salad

(serves 8-10, though the recipe can be easily modified for a smaller group.)

5 ears fresh corn, cut off the cob

1 small bell pepper (any color), chopped

2 small or 1 large tomato, chopped

3 scallions, chopped

1 can black beans, drained and rinsed

1 large avocado, chopped

4 small limes

3 tablespoons olive oil

1 teaspoon cumin

1/2 teaspoon coriander (fresh cilantro would be even better!)

1/4 teaspoon red pepper flakes

Salt and Pepper, to taste.

Add first 5 ingredients to a large bowl. In a separate bowl, place avocado and the juice of 1 lime. Gently mix, covering the avocado with lime juice to prevent browning, and add to the larger bowl with other ingredients. Juice the remaining limes and add to the larger bowl, along with olive oil, cumin, coriander, red pepper flakes and S&P. Chill and serve!

(Feel free to adapt ingredients to suit your tastes.)

What I DO Need to Hear Right Now

I hope Leah doesn't get mad at me for posting this, but it really was the very best email I could have received this morning. I am so lucky to have this woman, and her vibrant, warm, glowing lights, in my life. Thank you, sweet friend, and I love you, too.

So I just read your latest blog posts, and I feel compelled to let you know that my ass will be in a plane THIS AFTERNOON, if you need me. You, my friend, are so hurt right now. And I know that some of it is hormonal, but a lot of it comes from feelings that you have squashed for so many years. I think that the tears and the frustration are all part of the healing process, but I don’t want you going through any of these things alone.

I want to call up St. Louis and tell your mother to get the hell over herself. That she was an incredible daughter whom she pushes away more and more with every phone call and visit. I won’t do this, but I want to. You deserve to much more than you have right now. You need to feel supported and loved. Just knowing that is like 95% of the battle. How can you even be expected to thrive when you feel like you are dangling out there on your own? My heart just aches for you, and I understand the frustration you feel because it seems like everyone and their dog has what you want. And if you hear one more time how great you are, you might punch someone. I understand this. No words from anyone are going to make it better. But a hug from your best Lee-Lah and a glass of wine are a pretty good start.

Say the words and I’m on the next flight out. I’m serious.

I love you T-Money.

What's Really Going On

I've spent the last 2 days crying. Hormones aside, I really don't know what's making me so sad. Through the tears, I've been trying to think about what's really making me so upset; every time I do this, something new pops up and adds to my confusion. I feel like I've grown sadder and sadder as the hours have passed, and the worst part is that nothing I do to help me feel better is working as of yet.

If this really is all hormones as I think it is, these hormones are nasty bastards.

I keep thinking that maybe if I list out the thoughts in my head, the reasons that keep popping up whenever I think about why I'm feeling this way, they'll finally leave me and allow me to feel good again. As I mentioned before, nothing I've done thus far has really helped--but I guess it can't hurt to try this method, right?

1.) This whole T and A thing: Do I really give a shit about a guy I've never even met? NO. From what I've heard, this guy doesn't talk. T talks enough for 18 people. No wonder they work well together. I guess it's bugging me that I reached out first--I could have had him if T (circumstances, really) hadn't gotten in the way.

Moreso, it just adds to the fact that it's hard to see everyone else get what I've always wanted, especially those who aren't even trying to find it. I put myself out there over and over again, opening my heart and my head to people and hoping we'll connect in the way I want us to. I'm the one who lives in the vicious cycle of excitement and disappointment that is dating, and I'm the one who is actively trying to find what I want. T wasn't really trying. Others I know weren't trying either, and BOOM--love finds them. It makes me think that maybe I'm trying TOO hard, putting too much pressure on myself and the people I go out with; except I don't know how to do it any other way. There's a part of me that feels like I need to be on the fast track to love in order to catch up to everyone else, to find the One before I leave NYC (the mecca for 20 and 30-something Jews) and move to a po-dunk town to begin my career. I don't know how to stop this train of thought and just let love find me. It's hard to relinquish the control of something I've finally allowed myself to do in order to let it happen.

I've also been thinking about all of the love I DO have in my life. I realize that love (or those loves) so fully and completely that it only adds to my confusion. For the first time in my life, I'm able to see that I'm a really wonderful, beautiful person. I understand why I'm loved by so many people and how I could be so lucky as to have a wonderful community of friends and family in my life. However, if I'm so lovable to my friends and family, why am I not so lovable to the opposite sex? Why is it so difficult for a man to fall in love with me? I need to keep discovering what I'm doing (if it's even me at all) that makes it hard to love me. I think this is the reason why I hate when my friends say, "You're so wonderful, you'll find someone!" so much. I know I'm wonderful, yet love hasn't found me yet. I don't understand why that is, so anyone who tells me what I already know only adds to my confusion.

I also really, really miss T. She was a huge part of my social life here, and even though I know we need some distance right now and this is the best thing we can do for our hurting friendship, I feel the void without her. I want to go back to normal again, though I'm not sure if we can do that right now or ever.

2.) I just came back from 10 days at home with my family. The entire time, I couldn't wait to return to my single life in NYC, where I could live without the needs and demands of my mom and family. Now, I don't miss my family or St Louis in ways I used to, but I worry about them. My mom is not doing well; she's weak, tired all the time, and in need of serious medical care and assistance almost all the time. She's depressed in a big way, tired of her life and dialysis treatments and totally unaccepting of the fact that this is where her life is right now (and probably forever.) She puts so many demands on my little brother that it's depressing him, and she made my time at home and on vacation so stressful and almost miserable. I noticed very clearly that I am not the Tracy I want to be whenever I'm with her; she makes it hard for me to be my best self, and instead I find myself angry, annoyed, and stressed out whenever I'm with her. I yell at her far more than I yell at anyone else. I don't want to treat my mom that way, yet I can't help myself when she pushes me over the edge. It's so hard to balance being my best self with these angry feelings I feel towards her. I do try to be honest with her, but her own defensive attitude only seems to escalate the problem.

It also makes me wish so badly that I had a "normal" mom, someone that I could talk to about anything while I lay my head in her lap as she strokes my hair. My mom is far too self-centered to ever do anything like that; every time I try to talk to her about my love life or social life the conversation always goes back to her. It's incredibly frustrating; she's alive and present in my life, yet she can't be there for me the way I need her to be. No matter what I say to her to try to make her aware of this, she'll never understand. Therefore, I don't have the strong, older and wiser female presence I so desperately need in my life right now to help me untangle all of these feelings. I miss that.

3.) Really, what I need and want most right now, is a hug. The kind of hug only a boyfriend or a mom can give you. And I don't have either of those. Knowing that so many people have either one or the other (and that so many have both--and don't realize how lucky they are) makes me so sad. As I type this, fresh tears are falling because I want this so badly. I NEED this so badly. I need someone to hold me and tell me things are going to be okay, and remind me that my crazy hormones are taking over right now and all will be fine when the week is over. Virtual hugs, of which I've had many--don't really cut it, though they help a little.

If anything good has come out of this miserable week, it's that I've had the time to somewhat work through these things for myself. I think they've been building up inside of me all year long, and I've allowed school and boys and fun to push them aside. It does feel good to get them out into the open, even if new tears keep falling because I'm letting it happen. Maybe they're tears that have needed to fall for awhile now.

Things One Should Not Say To Me Right Now

-For my wedding, I need you to...(I can't take wedding bullshit right now...sorry to anyone who's getting married.)

-We are going to X place to use our 2-person Groupon. Come with us. (Third-wheeling AND playing full price while you eat your meal for pennies? I'd rather stay home alone, thanks.)

-I asked if he remembered you. He said no. (Thank you for letting me know I'm forgettable, FRIEND. Just what I need to hear right now.)

-Do you really need to be eating that cupcake? (Fuck off, I'm eating the damn cupcake.)

-Me: Let's hang out! I'd love to see you again. Him: I have to run to a meeting. TTYL. (There's a blow-off if I've ever heard one.)

-S/he is the greatest person I've never known! I just love her/him! (Go ahead, rub your amazing relationship in my face. I don't mind.)

-You owe me more money for something you shouldn't have had to pay for in the first place. (Great, cause I love spending money I don't have on things you shouldn't have bought if you couldn't afford them in the first place. Perfect.)

-I know I haven't called you or validated your existence in over a month, but I'd love to come over and "hang-out" tonight. (There's a reason I deleted you from my phone and de-friended you on FB, asshole. Take the hint.)

-The word "dialysis." (Enough said.)

-This movie is SUCH a good date movie. He kissed me afterwards for the first time. Now you'll have to go! (Seriously?!)

-You're being overly sensitive. Just let it go. (Yep, easy for you to say.)

-It wouldn't have worked out with him anyways. You're too good for him! (And you know this, how?)

I think that after the week I've had, my cynicism towards love and life has reached new heights. I don't like that it feels SO GOOD to delete wedding/engagement/relationship/baby related emails or posts on Facebook, but it's the only thing that's getting me through this insane week.

The moral of the story? You may not want to talk to this emotionally-charged girl right now if all you have to talk about are any of the aforementioned topics. You may get yelled at, hung-up on, or completely ignored. Don't say I didn't warn you.

There are certain times in a single person's life where one's "singleness" seems especially noticeable. Yesterday was one of those days, and it hit me like a brick.

First, I almost bumped into Andrew, the guy I was in love with in high school and much of college, at the grocery store. He was with his girlfriend (who, according to his cousin, he will marry someday), so like the mature person I am I turned the other direction and walked into an aisle where I could inconspicuously watch them until they left the store to make sure he didn't see me. Before you tell me that I was being completely ridiculous, you should know the following: it's always hard to see him whether or not he's dating anyone. He'll always be that guy that I'll never 100% get over, so the thought of meeting the girlfriend and seeing them hold hands and stare lovingly at each other was unfathomable. Once they left the store I continued my shopping, sulking down the aisles and spending a little too much time in the ice cream section. I didn't buy any…at least at that point.

God, please don't let him ask me to officiate his wedding. I'm SO not strong enough to do that, You and I both know.

Later in the day, a friend (we'll call her "T" for the sake of privacy) posted on Facebook that she's "in a relationship" with a new guy (we'll call him "A.") They've been dating for a few weeks now after being set up by friend of a friend. However…I actually found A on OKCupid a day or 2 before T's friends made the connection. After a mere glance at his profile I knew he was a quality guy, so I sent him an email to start a conversation. This friend of a friend coincidentally told A about T around the same time. A few days later, T and I are at dinner with friends when I get an email response from A. A mere few minutes later, T gets a phone call from him. We look at each other like, "Oh shit, how do we handle this?"

T decided that since she had actual connections to him that she should be the one go out with him. I wasn't thrilled with the idea, but decided that I need to put sisters before misters and just roll with it. She said over and over again (even after their first couple of dates) that she didn't think she'd be interested, it would never work out, blah blah blah, and that in the end neither one of us would end up with him and life would go on.

Uh huh.

As soon as I saw T's posting on Facebook along with a cutesy photo, I got that heart-pounding-face-reddening-jaw-dropping rush of jealousy. That's bad enough. What's even worse, though, is that I felt angry. Really, really angry. It's the worst kind of anger, too, because I don't know who to direct it towards. Tammy, for going out with him even though I reached out first? Myself, for not pushing harder to agree that I should be the one to date him? To be angry at either one of us is stupid and completely useless. This is not worth ruining a friendship over.

Yet, I can't help the way I feel. Angry. Resentful. Because had things turned out differently, it could have been ME in that picture with him.

Had things turned out differently, Andrew and I could be celebrating 12 years together.

Selfish much?

I really, really, REALLY hate this side of myself. The side that can't be happy for other people when they get what I don't have. It comes out every time a friend/family member gets into a relationship, engaged, married, or pregnant. This is why I dread going to weddings and related events (well, this and a million other reasons) and usually have a miserable time underneath my smile. As much as I hate this, I have no idea how to control or change this part of me, so it never really goes away. It's frustrating, and makes me become a person I don't want to be. In the past, I'd let the feelings fester until they exploded (I remember a particularly embarrassing conversation with my friend J 2 days before her wedding in October, where I told her that I'd definitely be miserable at her wedding. I'm sure that's exactly what she wanted to hear 2 days before the greatest day of her life.) I'm trying very hard to be more honest and open with people rather than bottle up my feelings, but that seems to only get me into more trouble.

I talked to T about this last night and was very honest about how I felt. It was one of the most awkward conversations of my life. She felt bad, I felt bad, and nothing was resolved. I don't feel better, and she feels uncomfortable being happy about something she SHOULD be happy about. That's not what I want for my friend. That's not the person I want to be. Yet, despite all of my desire to change, I just don't know how.

I'd love to hear your thoughts and comments on this post--however, I ask that you please not say things like, "The right guy is just around the corner!" or "When it's meant to be it will be." or "God has someone out there just for you, you just haven't found him yet!" When you've been hearing things like that for the last 15 years to no avail, and you've just had your singleness rubbed in your face (twice in one day) those words are especially cruel and condescending.

As Carrie Bradshaw once said, "When will waiting for The One--be done?"

29

Today is my 29th birthday. I'm 29. Weird.

My good friends Mike and Joey were visiting me from Southern California all week long. They've been staying in my apartment, and we had a fantastic time together exploring NYC, eating really delicious (and indulgent) food, and walking our little legs off. I think we averaged about 10 miles/day for 4.5 days. That's a lot of walking, at least according to my feet and legs which are begging for some R&R. The boys left this afternoon, after a wonderful brunch and tour of Hoboken, NJ.

In all of the planning for their visit, I completely forgot that they'd be leaving me on my birthday, giving me an entire half of a day to celebrate on my own with friends. I didn't even think to plan anything fun to do once they departed. I tried to put something together at the last minute, though everyone I asked was already busy--understandably.

It's amazing how I left my apartment this morning with my boys in tow, surrounded by their loving presences and energy, and came back to find the apartment empty and sad. My special week with them ended on a special day for me...without any real special ending.

I know birthdays lose their grandeur as we get older. I know that as of 5 minutes ago, I had 87 posts on FB wishing me a happy birthday and countless other phone calls, cards, messages, and gifts. I know I was (and still am) totally exhausted after a busy week with my friends. But there's a part of me that really missed having big plans tonight--somehow, my chinese food, leftover coconut lemon cake, and Sister Act didn't really scream, "yay, you're 29!" It makes me sad that I didn't have anyone to make this part of the day really special and points out just how lonely I feel even when I am surrounded with love.

I made a secret pact with myself last year that I'd have someone special to turn 29 with. Maybe it sounds stupid, but I feel like a failure because I didn't really have that. The boys and I were having a heart to heart last night, and I mentioned that I have achieved so much of what I've always wanted to do--and yet, when it comes to love, I'm a disaster. Mike gently reminded me that I'm in control of my weight loss, my education, my profession. When it comes to relationships, I can't steer my own course since other people are involved. He's right, but it's REALLY freakin' annoying. I know I'm not a failure, or pathetic, or ridiculous because I spent the night of my birthday alone; but it would have been really, really nice to have someone to make the day feel a little more special.

God, I sound and feel selfish and silly for wanting more than the wonderful day I had. I'm trying really, really hard to let go of this "poor me" attitude and bask in the glow of the amazing love that people have poured into my life today. Why is that so damn hard?

I'm 29. Weird.

Boys Boys Boys

Many thanks to Lady GaGa for giving me the brilliant title for this post.

As I said in a previous post, dating has become the new blogging throughout the past year. For me, this dating thing has been a BIG deal for a ton of reasons, the biggest of which is that I've learned far more about myself and the opposite sex than I ever thought I could know. I've pushed myself to date all kinds of men this year, some of whom I never thought I would allow myself to consider. I guess I've learned that you never really know who you'll spark with unless you give the person a chance. So I've given lots of men lots of chances; sometimes too many, sometimes not enough, sometimes the perfect amount. Obviously I'm still single, so the right one hasn't come along; but I've gained a newfound appreciation for this game they call dating.

I think the biggest, most meaningful lesson I've learned from all of this is that I actually am a strong, powerful sexual creature. It's exciting for me to know that I--in both physical and emotional ways--have the power to excite a man. I've had men tell me that I'm sexy, that I'm hot, that they want me. Until this year, this was uncharted territory in Tracy-Land. It's taken me a long time, but I've allowed myself to become much more physical with men than I've ever been before; while this may not sound like a big deal, for someone like me who's afraid to take her clothes off in a women's locker room, the fact that I've taken my clothes off for a few select men throughout the past year is indeed a very big deal. I've had to learn how to pick and choose which men are allowed to see this side of me, as well as when to let them see it (it just so happens that giving away too much too soon :::coughcoughonthefirstdatecoughcough::: is a big no-no, no matter your size or shape.) While I knew this before, I guess I had to play around before I could really understand the concept.

I've also learned that most men are not the shallow jackasses I once thought they were. Sure, there was the guy who told me I should have surgery because my "leftovers" were a "turn-off" and "hideous" (his words, not mine) and the guy who thought that bigger girls put out more easily than smaller ones because we're more desperate for attention. Both guys were losers who I never allowed to see me again. But more often than not, I've had experiences with guys that have surprised me--those who have been more than understanding about who I am and why my body is the way it is. Those who have told me that they're proud of my accomplishments and want to make me feel as beautiful as they think I am. The one who, so sweetly, told me that when he looked at my body he just saw ME as a whole person, inside and out. It's those experiences that have changed the way I think about the male gender and their attitudes towards women of every shape and size. Though my relationships with them didn't work out, they've all stayed with me in positive ways and helped me to see my sexuality, my body, and my whole self in a much different light.

Most of these guys stayed with me for 2-4 weeks. One of them, however, was a part of my life from January through April. I guess you could say it was the longest romantic "relationship" I've ever had, though neither of us ever declared feelings or titles for the other. It was a complicated situation, but to this point, the most meaningful connection I've had with a man in a long time. We could talk to each other about anything and everything, sharing stories and laughter and, at one point, tears. I loved spending time with him and always left feeling like THIS time was going to change everything, that THIS time he'd want to move our relationship to the next level; that never happened. It took all of the courage I had to call and dump him that Wednesday night at the end of April, explaining simply that I liked him a lot, but needed and deserved more from a relationship. I cried myself that night, so scared that I was giving up on someone who really did honor me for who I was on the inside and outside. It was for the best, which I see now--but it still, even 2 months later, hurts like hell sometimes. I still miss him, especially after a bad first date or when I'm feeling lonely. I realized, as soon as I'd hung up the phone with him that night, that the whole time I was trying to tell myself I DIDN'T have feelings for him, I actually cultivated a very strong "like" (love seems to strong, even now) for him. I haven't felt that way about anyone in a long time, since Andrew back in high school.

I go back and forth about how my feelings towards this dating business. I've learned SO MUCH about myself (there is tons of stuff I could add to this post, but won't) and about relationships. I've had a great time with so many of these people and have--for the most part--been treated like a lady. It feels good to share the soft, romantic, sexy side of myself with someone else AND with myself. I've enjoyed getting to know this side of me. Though, on the other hand, now that I've had a taste of the many perks of being in a relationship, I want more. Moreso than ever before, I want to know what real love is. I want to experience it on all levels. I actually crave physical contact in ways I never did before. The loneliness that I thought couldn't get any worse has actually become palpable. It's all the more reason to keep putting myself out there and keep dating and keep learning--even when things don't go as I'd like them to.

I feel like there's so, so much more I could say, but this post is already quite lengthy. Until next time...

For honesty's sake, I feel the need to share the following:

When I said in my last post that I'd gained 10 lbs, I was actually lying. I didn't know it at the time, but the number of pounds I thought I'd gained this year was far from the truth.

I haven't gained an ounce since the last time I weighed myself, about 4 months ago.

I was shocked and amazed when I stepped on the scale yesterday and the number was exactly the same as it had been all that time ago. I even turned the scale off and on again and weighed myself one more time to make sure it was correct. Same number.

Isn't it fascinating how we build these things up in our heads? All semester, I'd been convinced that I'd put on pounds. As a result, I was terrified of stepping on the scale to see if I was actually right, so I avoided it like the plague. It's kind of the same thing as when I avoid checking the balance of my bank account because I think I don't have any money, only to see that I DO have money and all is right with the world. I am such a paranoid freak.

It's amazing how bad experiences on the scale and with my bank account can elicit this silly fear in me and so many of us.

I remember the early days of this blog, when I was on WW and had a weekly weigh-in. The truth--AKA the number on the scale--was right there for me to see. It was encouraging to see the numbers decrease as the years went on, and I had a secure sense of how I was doing with my weight loss goals. In a strange way, I actually looked forward to my weigh-ins. The farther I get from that place, where my weight-loss was at the forefront of my life, the less I want to know what that number is. As I continue my life's journey, the act of losing weight becomes increasingly more difficult for physiological and emotional reasons. Smaller people lose weight much more slowly, but more than that, the truths about my past and present that I continue to explore become much harder to bear. I ignore them out of fear for what they really mean and how I and others will react to my exploring them.

Perhaps it's this fear of the truth that's prevented me from losing this last 50-ish pounds and not the self-acceptance or complacency I've told myself it was. I'm honestly not sure what it is, but I know that through the struggle to find the answers I can only grow (and shrink) in the best ways possible.

The process of opening myself up to the truth is scary as hell, whether or not I allow myself to do it. Regardless, maybe it's time to let it happen...

Starting Over

It's been a long time since I've felt compelled to come back to this space. There are so many reasons why, including school and work and my newfound NYC social life, but the truth of the matter is that my weight loss just isn't a top priority in my life these days. I jokingly told someone a few months back that "dating is the new blogging", meaning I was concentrating on actually HAVING a life rather than merely documenting what I thought was my life. Living a fulfilling life is so much more than digging into your emotional core for the world (or, a small part of my world) to see. Sometimes, it's about forgetting who you were and who you want to be and remembering who you are RIGHT NOW, in the present time and place. Sometimes, it feels good to forget about all the shit and hard work and go out and have fun. For me, that's a huge life lesson that I'm glad I finally learned.

However, something lately has been pulling me back here. Perhaps it's the 10 pounds I've gained after an academically and emotionally stimulating/exhausting year. I realized yesterday, as I was shoveling salad down my throat after writing to my cousins about a slimeball who'd been dating both me and a good friend of mine, that I was falling victim to emotional eating. I was eating that salad so quickly to forget about my anger and disappointment, and worse than that, it felt GOOD to be doing so. In my efforts to live in the moment and put my past behind me, I'd actually reverted to the old habits that made my past so painful in the first place. After 4 years of living a new, healthy lifestyle, the old Tracy is still there and determined to make her presence known. I thought about it all yesterday afternoon; perhaps the old Tracy has been there all year long, crying out for the attention that I'd been denying her by ignoring this blog and pretending my healthy habits were now permanent.

As much as I'd like to live fully in the present, perhaps I'm not one of those people who'll ever be able to completely do so. I can't just forget my past self to concentrate on my present and future selves--not only because they're a part of me, but because something in there is still unresolved and screaming out to be acknowledged. That something still finds comfort and love from food, and until that something is heard and healed, I can't go on ignoring it and thinking it'll go away.

So here I am, back in this safe space where I can be my most authentic and raw self for the people who love and support me no matter what I say or do. I'm not sure what direction the blog will take from here, how often I'll be writing, or if the honest feelings I plan to divulge will actually help me to stay on the right track; I do think, however, that being surrounded by this community can assist me in making smarter choices and being gentle with myself without giving myself too much leeway. We shall see. In the meantime, it feels good to be back here, and I hope to stay awhile.

Upon writing this, I'm realizing that maybe it's actually possible to live in the past and the present all at the same time. The past conjures up feelings that affect your behaviors in the present--therefore, it's all one and the same. Just something to play with as I start this brave new journey, yet again.

Reminder

Ugh.

Too much sugar.

I'm writing this as a (gentle) reminder to myself that eating too much sugar in one day makes me very, very sick.

In one day, I consumed the following:

1 canned Manishchewitz macaroon (LOVE these)

2 homemade almond macaroons

2 homemade coconut macaroons

2 pieces of homemade Passover-friendly mandel brot

1 Passover-friendly brownie

1 small serving of gelato (totally worthwhile, more so than ANY of the above)

About 5 gazillion pieces of the matzo toffee I made to take to Kansas City for the Easter celebration that I wasn't able to attend because I ate too much sugar yesterday

Y'all, this girl can't handle that much sugar anymore.

What happened afterwards? I crawled into bed at midnight and tossed and turned until 4:30am. When i finally did fall asleep, I slept TERRIBLY; my heart was racing, I was hot and sweaty, and my head was pounding. My poor body just couldn't handle the amount of sugar I consumed yesterday and went into freak-out mode.

Because of the sugar overload, I had to cancel my plans to drive to KC early this morning to see one of my best friends on Easter Sunday. Driving 3.5 hours there, spending the day with Leah's family, and driving 3.5 hours home--all in one day--just seemed like a bad idea after only 2 hours of sleep. Something in my gut was telling me that it would be unsafe, and if I've learned anything in the last 2.5 years, it's that my instincts are usually right. I'm so, SO sad not to see Leah on this trip home, but I feel confident that I made the safest decision for myself.

Other than feeling disappointed that I didn't get to see Leah (and, for the record L-dawg, I'm really sorry about that...) I don't feel guilty about indulging yesterday. Yes, I ate too many of the wrong things, but the food was really good and everyone has days when we eat too much of the wrong thing. I'm back on the bandwagon today and as far as I'm concerned, that's all that matters. Last night was a reminder of what I USED to do to my body and how much better it feels when I do the right things. I guess it's God's way of keeping me accountable even after a slip-up.

So remember, Tracy...

-vegetables/healthy food=restful sleep

-sugar/junk food=no sleep.

20 Ways to Love Your Body

While perusing the healthy food and living blogs I read on a regular basis, I came across this list of 20 amazing ways to learn to love your body. This list comes from the NEDA (National Eating Disorders Awareness) website, but I think it's beautiful and applicable to any of us, eating disordered or not. I wanted to post it not only for my own purposes, but also in hopes that others of you will glean some inspiration or self-love from it. Sometimes we all need gentle reminders of how amazing our bodies are.

Courtesy of NEDA and Margo Maine, Ph.D.

1. Think of your body as the vehicle to your dreams. Honor it. Respect it. Fuel it.
2. Create a list of all the things your body lets you do. Read it and add to it often.
3. Become aware of what your body can do each day. Remember it is the instrument of your life, not just an ornament.
4. Create a list of people you admire: people who have contributed to your life, your community, or the world. Consider whether their appearance was important to their success and accomplishments.
5. Walk with your head held high, supported by pride and confidence in yourself as a person.
6. Don’t let your weight or shape keep you from activities that you enjoy.
7. Wear comfortable clothes that you like, that express your personal style, and that feel good to your body.
8. Count your blessings, not your blemishes.
9. Think about all the things you could accomplish with the time and energy you currently spend worrying about your body and appearance. Try one!
10. Be your body’s friend and supporter, not its enemy.
11. Consider this: your skin replaces itself once a month, your stomach lining every five days, your liver every six weeks, and your skeleton every three months. Your body is extraordinary–begin to respect and appreciate it.
12. Every morning when you wake up, thank your body for resting and rejuvenating itself so you can enjoy the day.
13. Every evening when you go to bed, tell your body how much you appreciate what it has allowed you to do throughout the day.
14. Find a method of exercise that you enjoy and do it regularly. Don’t exercise to lose weight or to fight your body. Do it to make your body healthy and strong and because it makes you feel good. Exercise for the Three F’s: Fun, Fitness, and Friendship.
15. Think back to a time in your life when you felt good about your body. Tell yourself you can feel like that again, even in this body at this age.
16. Keep a list of 10 positive things about yourself–without mentioning your appearance. Add to it!
17. Put a sign on each of your mirrors saying, “I’m beautiful inside and out.”
18. Choose to find the beauty in the world and in yourself.
19. Start saying to yourself, “Life is too short to waste my time hating my body this way.”
20. Eat when you are hungry. Rest when you are tired. Surround yourself with people that remind you of your inner strength and beauty.

Here's What I HAVEN'T Told You...

...in the last month since I've written.

It's been rough, guys. Really rough. Like, I want to live in a pool of almond butter and melted chocolate with Crumbs cupcakes and pillows of homemade mac and cheese as my flotation devices, rough.

This semester is a Monster. With a capital 'M'. It feels like HUC has decided that it's okay to pile on the 'academic' classes on top of all of our music classes and comprehensive exams. Between my anxiety-inducing midrash class, frustrating liturgy class (which I was so excited about...bummer), history of Jewish education class (which shouldn't carry nearly the workload it does) and history of the cantorate class, I think I might keel over and die sooner rather than later. So much reading. So many papers.

And on that note...

My rabbinics professor from last semester wrote an online review in which he called my paper writing skills "detestable". He then proceeded to tell me that he passed me--but barely. I am well aware that my writing skills are bad and that I have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about in the "World of Rabbinic Literature." Thank you for saying so in a space where only I can see it, along with the deans of the school and the cantorial program. I'm so glad they know that you think I'm a moron.

I think these comments just hit hard on the fact that I am NOT an academic, that I will always struggle with topics that are as broad and--at the same time--so specific, as rabbinic literature. I don't think on the same level as my friends and classmates, and that's not a good thing or a bad thing...it's just me, trying to soak it all in and make sense of the world around me. However, it's frustrating that I can never raise my hand in class, that I'm always scared the professor will call on me and I'll either a.) say something ridiculous or b.) not say anything at all and freeze out of fear. I'm feeling more and more that people are catching onto the fact that I don't know what I'm talking about, and I don't want people thinking I am an idiot when I know I'm not one.

Onto another subject...

I found out last week that a good friend and mentor of mine has terminal cancer. The organist at my home congregation, who is like a dad to me, was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer that has also spread to the liver. With treatment, his doctors are giving him 5-7 months, which means there's a chance I'll never see him again. This news came from out of nowhere, especially because in the last couple of years he's worked hard to quit smoking and lose a good amount of weight. He's someone whom I love very, very much and I was so shocked and saddened by this news that I cried for almost 2 straight days last week.

The worst part is that I have yet to reach out to him in any way, so he has no idea I am feeling the way I do. He has no idea that I would do anything in my power to bring him comfort and joy and laughter if I could. He has no idea that the thought of Temple Israel without him is completely strange and unthinkable. He doesn't know how much I love him, and for whatever reason, I can't bring myself to reach out to him. I am making HIS situation all about ME, when really a good friend would call just to express their love and concern and prayers. I HATE THIS ABOUT MYSELF, and yet I do nothing.

Someday I will learn. Maybe this summer of CPE (keep your fingers crossed) will teach me what to say and how to react in situations like this.

There have been a lot of other tough moments already this semester. More than ever, I am noticing my emotional connection to food, and how when I am sad or angry, I reach for food to comfort me. Luckily I haven't gained any weight, but I have yet to lose any either. It's been a long time since I've had a big loss on the scale, and every time someone tells me that I look thinner I feel ashamed that I haven't actually lost anything. I miss feeling proud of myself and my accomplishments.

I've been feeling really low lately and haven't been able to reach out to anyone. I just feel like everyone has their own issues to worry about. I'm desperately craving someone to just hold me and listen and tell me that things are going to be okay, even if they aren't. I want love, or friendship, or companionship to fill the void I've been filling with food the last few months.

I've been hesitant to write in this space this year because I'm not really feeling a connection to losing weight anymore. I am, however, feeling a deep connection with a void I've created for myself in the last few months, which I've allowed myself to fill with food. I realized a few weeks ago that maybe I could fill the void by coming back to this space, writing honestly about where I am in my weight loss, even if where I am is stuck. Even now it feels good to let go of some of what I've held inside for too long, and to take off the happy face for one that is real.

First Post of 2010

I'm not so good at this new year's resolutions thing, but this year I have set an important goal for myself: to be me. 100%, fully, completely, UNAPOLOGETICALLY me.

And to realize that people love me in not only in spite of, but BECAUSE OF my faults and imperfections.

Most importantly, that I can love me in spite of my faults and imperfections.

2010 is going to be big, I can just feel it.

Some inspirational reading to get the new year started off right.

Love.

The Pushover

Over the last few weeks, as I've congratulated friend after friend on their engagement, I've pondered the idea of personal gain. What brings people to achieve their highest goals? What does it mean to "have it all" and who decides who actually has it?

I have a good friend who did not get a job as a student cantor this year. As a result of wanting to be sensitive and allow this friend to have a feeling of equality and importance, I let her take many of the opportunities I wanted for myself. I selflessly allowed her to be class representative on our student government (even when another classmate decided she too wanted the position and forced my friend to share her position) and then backed away from a shot at interning in our summer program in Israel this summer because she and her fiance wanted to go for it. I wanted both of those things, and because I wanted to do what I thought was the kindest thing to do for her, I backed off.

I was a total idiot.

This friend is engaged. She has the time to take extra classes and do yoga and see her family on the weekends when she doesn't work. She has everything that I am currently missing from my life, and instead of being happy with my decisions to give her said opportunities, I only feel resentment. Especially when I know she will have everything that I currently have (in addition to the aforementioned bonuses) when she applies for jobs for the coming year.

Instead of being a martyr, I was a pushover. For that, I feel like the ultimate idiot.

What is it that led me to make these decisions that put others before myself? Why did I allow feelings of guilt (when, in fact, I did nothing wrong in the first place) to let my friend have these things I desperately want?

What else am I allowing myself to push away, either for the sake of others or for the sake of other opportunities?

I've been feeling very stretched by work and school lately, in a way that doesn't allow me to make room for the other important things in my life. I spent 5 wonderful days with amazing friends in California, consistently checking my Blackberry as not to disconnect completely from my professional obligations. I took time and attention away from people who love me in order to answer silly emails about the Purim schpiel and the choir I'm trying to create for the temple. In the end, they noticed. And they weren't happy about it.

How much can I push my personal life away for my professional life?

How often can I allow guilt to push me to make even the tiniest decisions that affect my life in any capacity?

Is this part of the reason I haven't been able to find love, the one thing I'm aching for more than anything else right now? Or is it an excuse for the other reasons why I push love away?

I want to invite love in to my life, along with the right amounts of opportunity. I want to feel satisfied so I can push away feelings of guilt and resentment towards people I care about. I want to usher happiness into my soul and obtain the things I've always dreamed I'd someday find--the things that have nothing to do with becoming a cantor or losing weight.

I want to feel as though the work I do and the people I have in my life are equal in comparison to everyone else's so I can put the scale away once and for all.

Good goals for 2010.

***

I want to be able to talk to my friends again. I want to talk to them about how it hurts to be alone, surrounded by people in love. I want to talk to them about how I've realized so deeply that I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to admit that I miss the way things were before everyone I knew was coupled up, when I could talk about missing a certain someone and they would understand because they were there too.

I want to tell them that it feels strange complaining about my lack of love life when they are supposed to be relishing in the love they've committed their lives to. How isolating and wrong it feels to not want to talk to your friends for fear of lovey-dovey crap or conversations about wedding colors. How every time I hear an engagement story or see a shower invite my heart sinks a little more. How selfish I feel for feeling this way at all.

This loneliness is an odd place to be in right now. I'm no stranger to feeling alone, but I'm used to being on my own surrounded by other lonely people who know the drill. Now it feels like no one gets it anymore, and no one ever will again.