Is it possible to be both excited and utterly terrified about going on a 4 day trip to a new city with a guy you've been dating for almost 4 months? I think it is...cause that's exactly how I'm feeling right now on the verge of leaving for Myrtle Beach, SC on Friday morning.

We need to have a couple of major discussions this weekend pertaining to our relationship. There's a certain topic that's been weighing heavily on my heart the last month or so and I need to get it out into the open. I'm nervous about how he'll react, whether he'll close up or be willing to talk about it and make the necessary changes. The discussion needs to happen for my own well-being, to quiet the neurotic voices in my head that won't shut the hell up. Until it does, though, I'm nervous.

By the way, I'm pretty sure it's impossible to find pretty things to wear to bed if you weigh more than 100 pounds. I tried looking for some new PJs that are slightly more attractive than my old tshirts and sweatpants, but everything I tried made me feel horrible about myself. Any suggestions on where to find such things? I've tried Victoria's Secret, the Gap, Macy's...

Sigh.

Back Again

I'm amazed at how quickly time passes. Simply amazed. The last time I wrote a blog post, I was still in the researching stages of my thesis process. Now, the thesis is done and submitted, I'm working on my recital, and in the beginning stages of looking for jobs. This is all a little crazy and surreal, though it's been an amazing ride thus far; I'm sure it will continue.

Some recent thoughts...

The thesis-writing process was tough for many reasons. First of all, I am not an academic. I don't enjoy writing papers. Writing for intellectuals is just not my strength (and I'm really fine with that). However, the writing was the easiest part of the whole process. The hardest part was, surprisingly, the emotional stuff that kept popping up as the writing happened. I knew this process would be emotionally challenging, but in reality, it forced me to deal with so much of the crap that I've danced around for the past 29 years. New issues continue to arise as the days pass by (especially because the recital is based around the emotional journey from bondage to liberation) and I keep waiting for the healing to be complete.

As part of my thesis research, I read Geneen Roth's Women Food and God, which changed me in so many ways. She claims that the best way to deal with the pain of one's past is not by eating or turning to other addictive behaviors; rather, one should sit with the pain, feel it, honor it, and let the healing come when it's ready. I've been trying to allow the pain to come when it does, and rather than salving it with food, I'm trying to feel each painful moment. It's difficult, especially in this time of impending change and the need to put my best foot forward and find a job, but it's necessary. The catharsis is amazing in its own way...everyday, I feel a little different, a little more healed, a little more like my authentic self.

In other news, there's a man in my life :) His name is Glenn, he's 36 from Jersey City and he's wonderful. It's been an interesting journey the last 3 1/2 months, but it's so nice to have someone who is proud to call me his girlfriend and who goes out of his way to show me that he cares for me. It's not a perfect relationship (we have our issues like any couple does) and I have no idea where it's going--especially when I leave NYC in June--but I'm enjoying his company and having fun being treated like a lady.

Upward and onward, my friends.