Masking Tape and Peanut Butter?

When I was in high school choir, we would take trips around the country to sing at various festivals and universities. We would stay in hotel rooms, usually 4 girls to a room/4 guys to a room. To assure we wouldn't get into trouble, our choir director would put masking tape across the outside of our hotel room doors at night, so he could see the broken tape if someone tried to get out. We all knew better than to "break the tape."

I've been thinking about putting the tape rule into affect here in my own apartment. Not for my bedroom door, of course, but for the kitchen door once dinner is eaten and cleaned up. I'm spending far too much time in the kitchen at night, eating when I'm not even hungry, "needing" that late night snack or bite of peanut butter (that is causing all kinds of problems--I should just pitch the damn jar.)

And I'm starting to notice the effects of my poor eating choices. I caught myself in the mirror today and stared at my face for a really long time. It is slightly chubbier than the last time I really looked.

How vain does that sound? Who the hell cares if my face looks chubbier today than it did a week ago? In the grand scheme of things, does it matter a single bit? NO.

But it's been upsetting me all day. I am trying to be patient and loving and gentle and yet all I want to do is hit the gym again every day and stop eating copious amounts of peanut butter and dessert EVERY night and wine before bed (did I mention that my program is turning me into an alcoholic? Cause it is.) However, I'm still struggling to find time in the day to dedicate to the gym, when every minute seems to be filled with learning music and studying hebrew and translating the Tanach. I'm still in such a phase of flux, where nothing is constant or routine, and I feel like until that's established I can't go anywhere. Excuses, excuses, but the idea of adding something else into this crazy mix seems unbearable right now.

The want to better myself physically. The want to better myself spiritually and academically. The want to do well in school and in my pulpit work. It's a lot of pushing and pulling and trying to make room for everything. It will take time to figure out, but time's a wastin', and I'll only go backwards if I can't somehow figure out a way to go forwards.

I should stop looking in the mirror on my closet door and start looking in the mirrors at the NYU gym as I work out.
I should put the tape across my kitchen door so I don't eat spoonfuls of PB.
I should stop bitching and start working already.

I'm trying hard not to use the 's' word. The term 'should' implies guilt. As a result, we 'shouldn't' use it when talking to or about ourselves or others. But there comes a point when you know what's good for you, a time when 'should' needs to be become 'will' in order to take away the associations. I'm getting to that point, but I'm not there yet. For now, I choose to think of 'should' as my vehicle towards 'will.'

I'm not making any sense. I'm tired. And I want some peanut butter.

I think I will put up the tape across my kitchen door, as long as I can somehow have access to water. Maybe I'll tape the fridge? Maybe the shelves with my other goodies? We'll see.

Might it be more helpful to put the masking tape across my mouth? Just kidding. Kind of.

For now, I'm putting my tired bones to sleep.

Furious

Time Warner is my cable company. They came this past Saturday to install my cable TV and internet. Both have been working fine ever since.

Except that the ethernet cable the TW technician plugged into my computer will NOT come out. It's stuck. The sides of my computer move along with the plug whenever I try to pull the plug out. I am afraid if I pull the chord too hard, it will break my computer. To resolve this, I put a call into TW tonight. 45 minutes of electronic help later, followed by a dumb-shit customer service technician, I talked to her supervisor.

He repeatedly told me there is nothing they can do. They can send out a technician, at my expense, to "assess" the situation and see if they can pull it out, but if there is in fact danger to my computer the technician will not touch it (and I still pay the $30, of course.)

I repeatedly told both the customer service technician and her supervisor that this was unacceptable. I haven't moved the computer since the modem was installed. I wasn't the one who jammed the cable into the computer. I had nothing to do with any of it. And yet, it is MY problem and MY expense. Because the computer belongs to me, as does the modem that I BOUGHT from TW. The lovely supervisor (Mr. Robertson, if you please...I prefer "Mr. Asshole") told me I could either just use the computer with the modem chord hanging out of it (very cool, indeed) or take the computer to a Best Buy type place to see if they could remove the chord, also at my expense. And yet, what happens when I need to plug in the cable once again to receive internet access and it gets stuck?

Such bullshit. BULL-SHIT.

I stuck up for myself. I didn't take 'no' for an answer. I don't feel that I should be responsible for this, as I wasn't the one who caused it to happen. I'm currently waiting for Mr Asshole to call me back, telling me when to expect a call from his supervisor, who is (surprise, surprise...) gone for the day. I shouldn't have to deal with this, and I certainly shouldn't have to pay for this. And I won't pay for it. I won't pay a cent for a TW technician to come out here. I won't pay a cent to take it to Best Buy. This one will be on Time Warner, whether they like it or not.

And I REFUSE to have this ugly ass chord hanging out from my computer for the rest of it's life. No thank you.

I think living in Israel, and now, living on my own, has made me more aggressive. For the first time I can remember, I fought for what I think is right for ME. And I will win. I WILL. It's amazing to see what comes along with self-confidence. I guess it's somewhat of a silver lining to the situation.

I don't have time for bullshit, and this ugly chord is not one of the accessories I want for my computer.

I don't want to be dealing with this. But you can bet I'm gonna fight this one to the death.

Still Hungry

Today was my first day as a true singleton, waking up alone, spending the day alone, soon to go to sleep alone. It was actually a nice day, productive and healthy. I took a nice long walk to Lane Bryant, where I found 2 cute tops in a size 18/20, which I am still not used to picking out and buying. It's pretty cool though, when I can do it. The walk was a little over a mile each way, and gave me a chance to check out Steinway Street, one of Astoria's main drags.

I started the day with yogurt, fruit, and iced coffee.
I had a lunch of a spinach, tomato, celery, carrot and green pepper salad, with oil and balsamic vinegar. Also a couple of Wasa crackers and a Laughing Cow wedge.

When I came home from my walk, I was STARVING and craving carbs. So I ate one of the fantastic whole wheat mini-bagels from the bagel place down the street (a legit NY style bagel that's the size of a Lender's bagel--2 WW points--and a wonderful thing) with a tiny bit of Smart Balance spread.

Then I ate some more Wasa Crackers, with about a tablespoon of natural, no sugar peanut butter.

Then I decided I needed to get out of the house again so I wouldn't eat myself out of house and home, so I went to the amazing fruit stand down the street to stock up for the week.

Then I came home and made a delicious ratatouille-style veggie dish, with 2 ounces of whole wheat pasta and some chicken breast for protein.

Then I ate a tiny bit more PB before I hid it in the back of the fridge so it couldn't get me into any more trouble.

Then I ate a tiny bite of the No Pudge brownies I made yesterday when I was craving chocolate.

Then I felt the need to take another walk and stopped at McDonalds for an ice cream cone. I hate to admit this, but McDonalds ice cream is one of my vices...it's completely satisfying in the summertime and I only blow 3 points for the entire cone. Yeah, yeah, I'm getting lots of sugar and simple carbs and chemicals that I don't need. But it's sure worth it every time.

And now I feel like Miss Piggy. Not that there's anything wrong with Miss Piggy. She is Gal's power animal, after all. I just feel like I did so well at the beginning of the day and botched it all up by the end. I literally feel fatter now than I did when I woke up this morning. Is that a bad sign? A sign that maybe this is becoming more than a healthy hobby?

If I begin my day with more complex carbs, will I crave them less at the end of the day, when they're harder to digest?

Today is one of those "Why can't I just be skinny???" kinds of days. When I just want to pity myself and chop off pieces of flab with a machete. Do thin people think like this? I know I'm not the only fat person who does...

At least my food for the day (well, minus the ice cream) had a ton of good nutrition. And I got over 2 miles of walking in today. And I now own 2 tops that are a size smaller than the majority in my closet. And I survived a whole day of living completely alone.

All good things.
All small accomplishments.
All part of a healthy, normal life.

It's okay to still feel crappy about myself once in awhile, right?

And I'm still hungry.

Changes

It's been a long time since I last posted. So much has happened, so much has changed. Much of it good, some of it not so good (at least for now) and some of it totally indifferent. I've needed time to process it all and to adjust to this new and very different life.

Last Sunday I moved to New York. Thank goodness I'm living in Astoria, Queens, outside of Manhattan. We accidently got lost in Manhattan on our way to and from Jersey the other day, and the intensity of the atmosphere is so much to handle. As we made our way back towards Queens, I could feel that pressures of the city lifting; once again we saw air and real people and trees and life that doesn't exist around cell phones and business people. I couldn't handle that kind of lifestyle just yet--I need a year or more to adjust to NYC life.

My apartment is cute. My neighborhood is even cuter. But so far, I am the ONLY HUC'er I know who doesn't live in Brooklyn or in the city. It takes an hour on the subway to get to Brooklyn. I was invited to a movie night at a friends house tonight, and the idea of traveling an hour to get there, and then an hour to get home, alone, in the dark, is totally frightening. I know I'll have to do it once school starts, and I know I'd be completely fine and safe, but I just don't feel ready for it yet.

I am living alone, all by myself, for the first time in my life. I love being alone; I love the opportunity to do things my way, to buy and cook and eat my own food, do the dishes and clean up at my convenience. But it sure gets lonely and boring sometimes. And I keep thinking about what will happen the first time I see a mouse in the apartment or when something breaks and the super isn't there or when God forbid I fall and crack my head open. I will be alone. All alone. My classmates and friends far away, in the city or in Brooklyn.

I am scared to death to be living here, in this cute apartment in Queens, far from home and most people I know and love, all by myself. When my brother left this afternoon I came in and had a total breakdown.

Is this what being a grown up is all about?

And then there are fears about school, about being on the most intense campus with the most intense of my classmates in this way-too-intense city. I'm not an academic. I get things, after reading and re-reading and re-re-reading and lots of looking stuff up and mapping it out for myself. It takes me time to learn, time I don't always seem to have. The people I go to school with seem to have photogenic memories that allow them to soak in all of the academia we need to learn. Many of them then feel the need to show off their intelligence, leaving the rest of us behind to wonder what the hell they're talking about. I just wish they'd stop trying so hard to show off and just let their natural beauty and talents shine through. Being a Jewish leader isn't only about intellect, after all.

In the craziness of moving, my eating has been in terrible shape. I've felt the need to sample food from all of the cute little bakeries and restaurants around me and have stopped counting points completely. I try to go for a walk everyday, drink plenty of water, and climb my steps a few times a day, but I know it isn't enough.

I need time to figure all this crap out.

Again.

There's a heavy load on my shoulders right now, so it's going to take a lot of resolve and determination to stay with this.

I canceled my WW subscription, just for now.
I will get back on it, I promise you and myself.
I just need time to adjust, to feel ready again, to get into some kind of routine, to let this crazy part of the world begin to feel normal to me.

I want to trust that it will. But until trust comes, all I have is hope.

Sweet Girl

Tikva Ahava passed away last night, 3 days shy of becoming 2 months old.
My heart hurts, not so much for her as I know she is finally at peace and in perfect health.
But for her parents, big sister, family, and everyone who loves her, my heart is heavy and sad.
I wish so badly I could somehow take the away the pain that her family is feeling.
But I know I can't, nor can anyone else.

It's been a stressful week here, packing up my stuff and running a million little errands.
I am excited to leave, though I am finding it difficult to want to accomplish anything that needs to be done in order to board the plane on Sunday morning.
I've also been eating terribly this week, going out to dinner with various people every night.
A great way to say goodbye, an awful way to keep up with my weight-loss plan.
I need to give my body time to adjust to moving and the stress of school before I can really, truly start back on the program.
I have every intention of doing so.
For myself more than anyone, but especially now for Tikva.
She's my partner in this journey.
With her, I can do anything.

You are an amazing spirit, sweet girl.
You have forever changed me--thank you for that.
I talked about you and your family tonight, as I proudly gave my first sermon.
My whole community is praying for you and loving you and your family.
Thank you for being an inspiration, a light.
You will be forever loved and cherished by many people.

I know you still have big plans for everyone who loved you.
And I am excited to see them unravel as the years go by.

I am so lucky to be one of the millions who loved you, who still and always will love you.
Thank you, Tikva.

Thursday Night Report...And Some Prayers

Down a pound. Again.

I'm not going to be negative, as I am blessed to have lost a pound and have a functioning, healthy body. But I can't lie, with all the careful counting and strenuous exercise I've been doing, I am a little disappointed with the results. 1 pound--it seems like nothing after a week's worth of hard, sometimes excruciating work. But, as I've said before, even 1 pound is so much better than nothing.

Sometimes, for no reason at all, it hits me just how big my job of taking off all of this weight really is. I've already done a huge amount of work and there is still so much to do. I need to lose at least another 80 lbs to be healthy, 104 more to reach my goal of 150 lbs. I know I will get there, but the thought of continuing this work for at least another year is overwhelming and exhausting. Sometimes, as I am trying to fall asleep, I pray to God that I will wake up tomorrow morning 100 pounds lighter, just like that. I know it will never happen, but it sure would be nice.

Sometimes I wonder if God has been getting God's signals crossed as of late. I asked God to make my struggle harder so Tikva's could be easier, and yet God is making both of us work harder than ever right now. Today, as I sweat and gasped for air next to an old friend at the gym, I told him about the deal I made with God to help Tikva, in hopes that maybe putting the actual words out there for all to hear would help God to understand my request. I am praying it works, that Tikva wakes up tomorrow feeling good and breathing easily. Please God, help her. PLEASE GOD, HELP TIKVA.

I wonder sometimes how God knows which prayers to answer and when. How does God know which prayers are the most crucial versus which ones can wait a bit or not be answered at all?

When I think of what Tikva and others are going through, my prayers for my weight loss seem so unimportant and silly. Maybe as of late, God is listening more to my and others prayers for those in the midst of important healing, which is why my weight-loss has slowed down a little bit.

I'm more than OK with that. God knows what God is doing.

Please God, keep working to heal that baby who means so much to so many.
Please continue to hold her in Your palm, as her parents trust You have done all along.
Please give her strength to heal and breathe, and give her parents the strength to continue their important support for Tikva's healing.
Please God, give Tikva what she needs, whenever she needs it.

And God, if You have time (and I understand if You don't,) hold me and guide me along my own important journey. I can't do this without You.