Monday, June 30, 2008

Questions

My emotions are all over the place tonight. I just spent 20 minutes crying and I have no idea what caused the tears. I just sat back and let them flow.

I am trying to be good at this healthy lifestyle thing. I am taking my supplements and eating well and exercising and meditating and getting acupuncture. Sometimes it just seems like so much work. I know it's good work, work I need to be doing to elongate my life and evolve as a person; but sometimes I miss the old days, days where I wasn't worrying about calories and points values and when I can eat what. Days that weren't spent obsessing over food and forcing myself to exercise. Days where I didn't think twice about a tablespoon of olive oil, feel guilty about splurging on a kid's size Ben and Jerry's frozen yogurt cone, or debate the repercussions of skipping a day of exercise.

At what point does the obsession stop?

Will it ever stop?

There are certain times when this all seems so exhausting. Am I taking on too much? At what point does working towards good health for your body become unhealthy for your soul?

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Wednesday Night Report #4

OK, so this week I weighed in on Thursday night, but whatever...

Down 1.2 lbs this week! Very exciting, considering I felt like I ate my way through New York City: pastas, a good steak, salads, a completely delicious (albeit artery clogging and probably heart-attack-inducing) corned beef sandwich, and the many delicious cookies and treats from bakeries in the city and in my soon-to-be new neighborhood. Hey, you only live once, right?

We did a ton of walking as we ran around Manhattan and Queens looking for apartments. I found a great one in Astoria, an adorable 1-bedroom in an even more adorable neighborhood. Anything I could need, want or desire is within walking distance, and my commute is a typical 40-minutes door-to-door. So excited and ready to move in NOW! The apartment is on the third floor of a building without an elevator, so it has the added bonus of a "stair-stepper" every time I come home for the day. Always a plus :)

I hadn't been to NYC since I auditioned at HUC in February 2007. I remember walking around the city, sluggish and overwhelmed by the fast pace. This time, however, while I was still very overwhelmed (especially close to our hotel near Madison Square Garden,) I was definitely able to keep up with the flow and pace of the city. I walked briskly past the crowds, not tired after 15 blocks, ready to keep going and see what more there was to see. It was an amazing feeling of knowing I am in good shape (or at least much better shape) and will be able to physically take on the hustle and bustle of the city once I move there in early-mid August. I don't know if I'd feel this confident about moving to such a city without being in the shape I'm in now.

And I have to mention the airplane ride...not only was I able to ride the plane without a seat belt extension (haven't needed one of those in awhile!) but I was able to actually pull on the excess seat belt to make it tighter around my hips! I know that most of you are thinking, "Big deal!", but to me, the ability to sit and wear a normal sized seat belt like a normal sized person is a HUGE deal. It is in moments like this where my hard work and dedication really pays off and I have a physical sign of my progress. As good as I look and feel now, there is nothing better than realizing these little moments and taking every one of them in.

BTW--my apartment is a real apartment and not a studio, so while it's small, I'll definitely have room for visitors if anyone is interested...and we can paint Astoria red when you get there!

79.6 lbs!

A good week, indeed :)

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

DISfigured

Found this on another fat blogger's website...

It's a trailer for a movie coming to DVD in July about 2 friends, one a fat woman and one a recovering anorexic. They meet in a fat-acceptance group. So excited to watch, and even more excited for the beautiful fat actresses who finally get a break in a movie.

Anyone want to have a viewing party?

http://www.disfiguredmovie.com/trailer.html

Too tired to write a real post...after a good night's sleep and some down time, I have lots to talk about...get excited!

Saturday, June 21, 2008

A Pact

From this point forward, I will do the following to try to deal with my mom in the healthiest possible way:

I will take deep breaths and stay as calm as possible, even if her demands are more than I can handle.
I will know that she has everyone's best intentions in her heart.
I will continue to take time for myself and know that she can survive without me for a few hours, days, weeks or months.
I will remind myself everyday of how fortunate I am to have a mom who loves me and who wants to involve me in every detail of her life.
I will keep in mind her limitations and frustrations and try to pair them as best I can with my own limitations and frustrations.
I will laugh with her as much as possible and remember how joyful our time together so often is.
I will thank Gd everyday for the gift of family.
I will remember that in spite of everything, she is my mom and my best friend and the one person who knows me in ways unlike anyone else in the world.
I will write on this blog and try to meditate and/or pray when I need to vent frustrations and relax the anger bubbling inside of me.
I will remind myself that I am happy, healthy, and incredibly lucky, even when my mom or anyone else tries my patience.
I will forgive myself when my temper flares and allow myself to cry or yell when I need to.
I will lose myself in music, movies, exercise, study, or other healthy activities instead of turning to food for comfort.
I will continue to grow and evolve and learn with what Gd has so graciously given to me.
I will remember that my mom is the only mom I will ever have and that I am blessed to know her and to call her my mom.
And I will add to this list whatever I deem appropriate when the time arises.

I will remember that love and respect are the two greatest mitzvot one can do unto another, and let that be my guide from this point forward.

Selah.

Mom

Sometimes I just get so goddamned furious with you.
Sometimes I want to pretend I don't know you and never have to see you again.
Sometimes I wish for nothing more than to not be a part of you and to not let you be a part of me.
Sometimes I wish I had nothing to do with you, never knew you, never had to deal with you even once.

Grow up, mom, and a be a big girl for once in your life. Be the MOTHER in this family, not the child. Let me be a normal 25 year old and let Adam be a normal 22 year old. Let us have lives that don't include you, even if just for a few hours.

If you didn't want to go to New York with us tomorrow, all you had to do was say so when we asked if you wanted to go.
If you have a problem with the way your family treats you, tell them--don't tell us to tell them for you. I will never, EVER, tell your brother or sister to be nice to you--grow a pair and do it yourself.
If you have a problem or are angry with dad, call and bitch about it to him--not to us. We didn't marry him, we didn't decide to start a family, we didn't decide to put up with a miserable marriage for 23 years, we didn't agree to a divorce. YOU DID ALL OF THOSE THINGS YOURSELF. Take some accountability and realize your mistakes belong to no one but you.
If you don't want to fall anymore, if you don't want to hurt anymore, surrender your pride and use a walking stick or a cane to help you keep your balance and notice the stumbling blocks in your way before you trip over them. 99.9% of your accidents are preventable if you'd only just use the fucking stick. No one would think you were a 'retard' or a loser and no one would disrespect you--believe it or not, more people would respect you for trying to be independent and self-sustaining.

Do you know that it is because of you that I sometimes question my desires to have a family of my own? And it isn't because I don't love and want children--it is because I feel that if raising a child is anything like dealing with YOU, I want nothing to do with it.

I love you so, so much, mom. You know that. But you make it so hard for us to love you, so hard for us to want to do things for you and, some of the time, so hard for us to even be nice to you and treat you with the respect that you deserve. I so badly wish you would see with your heart and soul and mind instead of thinking you can only see with your eyes. I wish you could let us love you and respect you by being our mom instead of our child.

But, as the saying goes, "You can wish in one hand, and crap in the other...and see which gets filled first."

I wonder if you'll ever really get it.

I so badly need a good hug right now. I'm missing so many people from my Israel family, people that I know would give me what I really need right now. I need love, love that my mother can not provide because she is too consumed in her own needs.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Happiness...

"Happiness is anyone and anything at all that's loved by you."
~You're a Good Man Charlie Brown

I have been hungry all day long today--literally. From the time I woke up this morning until right now my body has wanted to do nothing but eat. I've been good about it, walking this morning and not going crazy and trying to only eat every couple of hours to maintain my latest eating schedule, which I am happy with. I'm sure this is due to being on the second day of my period, the worst and hardest of all the days of 'that time', so I'm trying to be gentle with myself and not worry too much about feeding my hungry body with healthy food.

Today while I was at Sams Club with my mom, one of the sample ladies stopped me to tell me how wonderful I looked. She's been at Sams for as long as I can remember, handing out samples with a smile and kind words and prayers for our entire family. Miss Addie, as we've come to call her, has seen both my brother and I grow up and feels like a member of our family. She always has something sweet to say about us before sending us off with a mouthful of cookie or pie and a word of thanks to Gd for having us in her life. She is too sweet for words and a truly wonderful soul.

Today, however, she mentioned something that I've never heard her mention before. She looked me in the eyes and said, "You just look so happy, and I thank Gd for that and for you." Walking away, her sweet and genuine words still ringing in my ears, I realized how right she was. For the first time in my life, I am truly and completely happy. Is everything in my life perfect? Of course not. But I am living a healthy life, full of exercise and good food and song and prayer and work and family and friends, and it hit me today just how lucky I am to be so happy and so fortunate. Not many people can say that they've found their calling and are working to make it happen. Not many people can say that they are living the healthiest life they can live at the moment. Not many people can say that they realize how special their gifts and blessings are.

But I can :)

As Miss Addie always reminds us, "Gd is watchin' over all of us and keepin' us safe. I don't know about y'all, but that's all I really need."

Amen to that, Miss Addie.

How lucky I am.

Quotes

A few wise words to start the weekend...

"There are two things to aim at in life; first to get what you want, and after that to enjoy it. Only the wisest of mankind has achieved the second."

-Logan Pearsall Smith

"The reason most people never reach their goals is that they don't define them, or ever seriously consider them as believable or achievable. Winners can tell you where they are going, what they plan to do along the way, and who will be sharing the adventure with them."

Denis Watley

"People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them."

George Bernard Shaw

"Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going."

Jim Ryun

"People become really quite remarkable when they start thinking that they can do things. When they believe in themselves they have the first secret of success."

Norman Vincent Peale

"To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream, not only plan, but also believe."

Anatole France

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Wednesday Night Report #3

Good news--down 2.2 lbs--a full kilo--this week! It feels incredibly good that my body is readjusting well to the United States and that I am able to continue my hard work here. My family and friends have been incredibly supportive and loving, offering their ears, advice when I need it, and tons and tons of love.

I'm also exploring new and interesting weight loss methods and assistance. My cousin Stefie is a soon-to-be chiropractor, so she's been adjusting me and helping me even out some things. She has also studied and is becoming licensed in acupuncture, so she's been "needling" me in my ears to encourage my mouth, stomach, and organs to keep up and/or speed up their good work. She's also helping me to live a much healthier life by researching and suggesting natural foods to replace some of the crap I've been eating. Thanks to her, I no longer rely on aspartame (or "cancer packets" as I say to my mom every time she dumps 2 packets of Sweet N'Low into her iced tea) and instead reach for Stevia to sweeten my coffee and yogurt.

I am also back in therapy, exploring meditation with my therapist. The goal is to get me to the "place" to help me release the anger and sadness that have been building up over the last 25 years. I'm trying really, really hard to open up to this, because I believe completely that it will work, though I'm not entirely there yet. I've been in a somewhat bad mood as of late, which I think might be due to our last couple of sessions where we've been bringing up the traumas that have occurred in my life. I think I understand the process, and this part is just bringing those traumas to the surface to help me release them, though this bad mood is hard to shake. It also might be part of the mindfulness we are working on.

And with every day that passes I find new reasons for hope and miracles. Thanks, Tikva, and keeping up your amazing work!

78.4 lbs.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Something's Gotta Give

Tonight, I made a healthy dinner of grilled teriyaki "skinny chicken" (chicken cutlets) with quinoa and steamed carrots and green beans. And when I called my mom down to dinner, she told me she'd rather sleep than eat with me.

And that infuriated me.

I didn't say anything to her, though I will...she slept until I came home today at noon, then was back upstairs and in bed by the time I left for my appointment at 3. She's been sleeping ever since.

Get up, do something, live your life. Eat dinner with your children. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Your sight is not going to come back. YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO SEE AGAIN. It sucks in every way, but you must accept it and live the life you do STILL HAVE. It's been 11 years since you woke up that scary morning and couldn't see. MOVE ON.

Your life can be so beautiful. Your life IS so beautiful. You just don't let yourself see it, even though it's there, right in front of your face. You don't need functioning eyes to see how good you have it.

You don't know the sadness you have brought into my life, tonight and on many, many other occasions. It's not your fault you can't see. It is 110% your fault that you don't live.

Grow up and learn to see--with or without using your eyes--what is right in front of you.

No Gastric Bypass? Are You Crazy?

For some reason, people have been asking me a lot lately if when I was at my heaviest I ever considered having gastric bypass surgery. I don't know why this has been on their brains or why they've had the balls to talk to me about this as of late, but I feel the need to share my answer.

When I first started hearing about the surgery as a high schooler, I thought it was the greatest thing ever invented. Finally, the brilliant doctors had found a way to cure obesity once and for all, with a couple of little snips and some stapling back together, creating a smaller stomach that couldn't handle more than a few tablespoons of food.

But then I started to think about it from a realistic standpoint. How healthy can it be for a 300lb+ person to be living on a few tablespoons of food a day? There ain't no way a few tablespoons can provide you with the nutrition and energy your body needs everyday. Also, I met a friend of mine's sister who'd had the surgery and ate hot dog PUREE on 4th of July because her recent operation left her stomach too weak to handle solid foods. And then I started reading about side effects from the not carefully following post-operation procedures (stomach rupturing, constant diarrhea and/or vomiting, along with others.) Oh, and then I saw that there was no evidence of longterm effects, whether or not the surgery succeeded in getting the patient to lose weight. There were practically no answers to the questions that were rolling through my head: Are there long term health risks to this surgery? Can I have children down the line? And then some. Too many questions and not enough good answers for me.

Not to mention that as a professional singer and musician, I couldn't risk cutting/chopping off any of the stomach muscles I use every time I take a breath to sing. The risk of the doctor doing something wrong and permanently ruining my muscles would be devastating. In and of itself, that was my biggest reason for not having the surgery. Being thin is/was not worth giving up my passion and greatest love in life.

But physical reasons aside, gastric bypass surgery simply isn't/wasn't for me. I hate to say this, but I really do see it as an easy way out. I used to think I was one of those people who could never lose weight even with proper diet and exercise, and I know now how wrong I was. Anything is possible, with a strong will and determination. I'd rather bust my ass in the swimming pool and eat plenty of good, healthy food to lose weight than risk the dangers of a surgery that may or may not work in the longrun.

So I chose the hard way, and it was the right choice for me. I may be losing weight at a slower pace, but at least I don't have to worry about chronic diarrhea or my stomach exploding. And I can eat as much healthy, delicious fruits, veggies, whole grains, lean protein, etc., as I want (and some other stuff, too, for fun...)

No quick fixes for this girl!

WHY

This is so sad--and pretty fucking ridiculous.

http://www.boston.com/news/health/blog/2008/04/weight_bias_ris.html

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Wednesday Night Report #2

Last night was my 3rd Stateside WW meeting since I've been home. After last week, I was a little nervous to step on the scale (OK, I was PETRIFIED...I knew I'd be upset if the numbers went up again.) I walked in, gave my card and chart to the nice lady at the desk, slowly took off my new sneakers, and hesitantly stepped onto the scale. My whole body was shaking, as though I was about to dive into deep water or jump out of a plane. It was the first time I've been this nervous to get back on a scale in almost a year.

The scale yielded good results this week--down 1.4 lbs! I am slowly getting back on track, getting used to American food and lifestyle and trying like hell to exercise at least 5 times a week. I am working with my therapist to dive deeper into the emotional issues that have made me this way and working hard to avoid the fast food that is calling my name more and more as of late. I am continuing the positive changes that I made this year, though adapting them to fit into my American life again.

The biggest change has been taking large chunks of time for myself. No longer is my life focused on my mom and her needs. I spend my mornings working with the pre-schoolers at the JCC, then swimming, then running whatever errands I need to run for the day. I've been shopping a lot, which is fun, and trying to read and practice cantillation a little everyday. So far, it's been a very fulfilling summer, and I hope it continues.

Spending time on yourself is fun! And, from what I've noticed, it makes it so much easier for me to care for the people in my life. I guess I've learned that I need to meet my own needs before I can meet the needs of others.

I also decided a few days after I got home that even if I just maintain the work that I did all year, not losing more but not gaining anything back, I will be OK with that. This summer, it's more important for me to be healthy and figure out how to live with my mom again than to lose more weight.

I'm not giving up, by any means, and I do hope to lose more. I just won't consider myself a failure if I stay the same this summer.

And believe me, that's HUGE progress.

Oh! I can't forget to welcome Tikva Ahava--my soul sister and inspiration who was born this past Tuesday, June 10--into the world. Keep succeeding, little one, and I'll keep sending you deep breaths and strength and lots of love your way. We're all so excited to have you here :)

Monday, June 9, 2008

Grandpa Sid--Revisited

Last night was my Grandpa Sid's yartzeit. He died on June 8, 2000, and this year his yartzeit occured on the same day on both the Hebrew AND the Gregorian calendars (which is always eerie to me, for some reason.) I was invited/asked by my Aunt Diane, my mom's older sister, to attend mincha and ma'ariv services at her conservative shul to assure there would be a minyan so she/we could say kaddish in his honor. When she asked me, I decided to go, without hesitation or question. It just seemed like the right thing to do.

I've talked about Grandpa before, about how I haven't completely forgiven him yet and how I am still learning to love the history we have and the person he was. Last night, I expected to be emotional; angry, upset, resentful, etc. But I just wasn't. I found myself enjoying the prayer time and talking with Gd about the things I want Gd to do for myself and my family and friends. I followed along, concentrating on our conversation and my Hebrew reading and not really thinking about Grandpa at all. As far as my emotions towards him were concerned, I was practically numb.

I felt a little guilty about this last night; not in an all-consuming kind of way, just enough to make me wonder why I wasn't feeling worse during the service.

This morning, I realized that maybe Grandpa had made his peace with me. Maybe he WANTED me to concentrate on the liturgy I have come to know and love and have my time to talk with Gd. Maybe he was up there rooting for me all the while while I was davening. Maybe he knows I've found my niche and my true calling and he is proud of and happy for me.

I have a very strong feeling that this is true. I know he is still here with me, in my words and in my actions. I know he is a part of me that I can never forget. I've known this all along. I know now, however, that with time and gentle patience I can and will forgive him at last. I can and will learn to love the person he was and the relationship that we had.

Last night, my Grandpa Sid was looking down upon me...and he was smiling.

Shavuot

I bought black pants today that were a size 20.

SIZE 20!!!

In so many ways, my hard work is paying off.

Best feeling ever...and on Shavuot, none the less :)

Gd didn't only give me the gift of Torah today, Gd handed me my amazing new life.

Love it.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Changing My Mind

Those of you who know me well know that I frequently say things like, "I really don't want to get married" or "I don't need a man to make me happy" and other things like that. I think that whenever I say these things, I am trying to convince myself that they are true. I am trying to, in a way, prepare myself for a life of being romantically unloved. I am maybe even succumbing to what I think others are thinking about me; the fat girl never gets the guy, so why even attempt?

I came to the realization this morning that if I keep saying these things, if I keep putting negative thoughts and energy into the world, I will never find what I actually AM looking for. In reality, I want love to find me and I want someone to share the world with. I want all the cheesy passion and romance you see in the movies. I want to love and be loved and live a modern happily ever after, complete with the arguments and challenges and struggles that can break you or MAKE YOU as a couple.

Trying to be someone who doesn't want love will only prevent me from finding it.

From this point onward, I am going to try to open myself up to the idea of finding love. And I am going to tell the world what I REALLY want from life, not only professionally, but personally. And I don't care what anyone has to say about it.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Visions

My amazing friend Gal shared her ideas of how to answer the question at the end of my last post. Thank you, Gal, for your sweet and inspiring words.

This is how you do it, Tracy:

In your mind's eye, visualize the following (which comes from your own words, BTW) as if it has already happened. Do so ANYTIME a negative thought or guilty feeling or fear or worry tries to creep in there. You're just trying to get to a thought or feeling that feels a little better, and this should help. Remember, what you visualize and imagine is what you're putting out to the universe and therefore what you're asking for and allowing in:

1. A regular and familiar WW community that provides smiles and sweet words and encouragement.
2. A regular plate of whatever fruits and vegetables you can get your hands on at least twice a day, if not every time you need a snack. Discovering great places you didn't know existed to get these things.
3. Walking whenever possible instead of driving, and continuing your amazing water exercise. (Nothing you can eat will undo how good that is for your body and soul.)
4. Freedom from temptation to eat bad things every minute of every day. Confidence in yourself to do so, to walk YOUR OWN PATH and not your parents'. That is their energy, and not yours to hold.
5. A healthy lifestyle for the rest of your life, beginning already. This includes health and spirituality that keeps you grounded and focused.
6. Being gentle with yourself and remembering to check in with your heart and intuition, not just your busy reasoning mind.
7. Letting go of worry and holding on to trust, even if right now it feels like blind faith.
8. Being gentle and forgiving of yourself always.
9. Your body readjusted to life in the US and continuing on your amazing path of lasting health.
10. Going to the clothing store again next month and then in NY at the beginning of the school year and needing to spend another $200-400 on even smaller clothes.

May everyone have a Gal in their lives :)

Wednesday Night Report

So I went to my WW meeting tonight, my second one since coming back to the States. I gained 0.8 lbs this week, which isn't disastrous, but it's not great either. I was really hoping to lose something this week, especially because I've been so good about exercising all week long. My time in the pool today was my best workout yet, pushing and shoving and taking out aggression I didn't know I was holding into the cold water.

I miss Israel. I miss everything about Israel. Most of all, I miss Menucha and the WW gang there. I miss their smiles and sweet words and encouragement. I miss not being a stranger when I walk into the room. I miss Israeli fruits and vegetables and walking everywhere I go. I miss my freedom and the inability to eat tons of bad things every minute of every day. I miss the healthy lifestyle that was so easy to live there. I miss the combination of health and spirituality that kept me so grounded and focused my entire time there.

I've spent the last 2 hours trying to reason with myself, to be gentle and forgiving to myself, and yet all I can do is worry for what will happen the rest of the summer. I'm praying that this meeting isn't a bad sign for things ahead. I'm hoping my body is just taking it's time readjusting to life in the States, to not walking everywhere and constantly being fed amazing and healthy foods. I'm desperately praying that the $200 I spent on clothes last week won't be a waste of money come the end of the summer.

Tonight was the first time I've cried since leaving Israel. It hit me just how I scared I really am to be back here and living at home in this dangerous environment (dangerous in terms of healthy eating and habits, that is.) How scared I am that I will end up like my diabetic, heart diseased and under-achieving parents. How scared I am to take on the burdens of all that entails their conditions and emotional states-of-mind.

I don't want to be here, dealing with this. I should have stayed in Israel, safe from my parents and their problems and my need to cope with food.

But I can't turn back time, and I have to somehow accept what is going to be for the next 8 weeks until I move to New York.

How the hell do I do that?

Tonight I had chinese food for dinner. And then went to McDonalds for a diet soda and a Snack Wrap. I haven't eaten McDonalds in almost a year, and now suddenly I ate it FOR NO REASON AT ALL. I wasn't hungry. I wasn't craving it. I didn't even taste it. I just ate it, without reason or thought, at least until the guilt set in. And now I'm disappointed in myself. I know better. I AM better. And I feel like one trip to McDonalds has fucked up 11 months of hard work and dedication. One stupid Snack Wrap that I ate for no reason whatsoever.

I'm trying so hard to be positive. I hope this is just a bad night in the long line of really, really good days.

I will let myself feel this way tonight. Tomorrow, it stops and life starts again. Enough is enough.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

The Blue Dress

Tonight I went to the annual picnic for the volunteer choir I sing with when I'm at home in St Louis. Everyone welcomed me back with open arms, which I expected and appreciated. I wore a cute blue cotton dress that I bought a few days after I returned home, that makes me feel fabulous even though it's a very simple blue dress. It also happens to be a size 18/20, which I haven't been able to pull off since...well, since ever. It feels so damn good to wear this dress, in this size, and look and feel great while I'm wearing it.

At one point tonight, however, someone I love and respect stopped me to tell me how cute the dress was. The first thing out of my mouth was a playful, "I know, right?!" I then thanked her and we went about our conversation. Immediately after I said my response to her compliment I realized how pompous I sounded and how rudely over-confident I was. A simple "thank you so much" would have done the job of appreciating her compliment and showing my excitement about the dress. Maybe I'm just over-analyzing as I often tend to do, but I can't help feeling like the biggest bitch in the world for reacting the way I did. I don't want to become stuck on myself, overly proud of the work that I've done that really, I shouldn't have to be doing in the first place.

I hope I can wear this adorable dress again without feeling like the heinous human being I know I'm not. Maybe from this point forward it can be my reminder to appreciate the little things that keep us all going.

When does confidence become over-confidence? When does self-love become arrogance?

I still can't help but look in the mirror while wearing this dress and just feel so damn fabulous.

Back to the WW

Last Wednesday, I went to my first WW since I've left Israel. I don't know what I was expecting, but this program is drastically different from the program I've come to know and love in Israel. For some reason, in the States I get 10 more points per day than in Israel, plus an extra 35-points a week should I feel the need for a Chipotle burrito (which, btw, I haven't eaten yet--thank goodness Crazy Bowls and Wraps has a 12-point and much healthier alternative to the burrito bowl that I really enjoy!) I never had access to any of these points in Israel, though they seem to be calculated the same way. Now I'm wondering what I should do: Do I stick with the Israeli program, which has been working beautifully, or switch to the American program since I'm living in America again? A part of me wonders if maybe the Israeli program was somehow unsafe, as if I was starving myself w/o enough points everyday, though I always ate plenty and never felt unsatisfied.

I think I am just going to keep going, since I don't count my points everyday like I should anyways. I use the points like a guideline, using them to base my food decisions. For example, if I know I want to eat pizza later, I stick to fruits and veggies and other low point foods during the day as to be able to eat my pizza without sides of guilt or anxiety. As a whole, the program gives me incentive to eat more fruits, veggies, protein, skim milk products, and whole grains, making me a healthier and much more balanced person. And it allows for some treats everyday, so I don't feel too bad about eating a small dessert or 1 piece of STL style pizza or something like that. It's a real lifestyle as opposed to a diet.

As I was walking in the water yesterday, I thought about weighing myself on the scale in the locker room when I was finished. But then I thought about my mom, who would weigh herself every time we went to the J for swim lessons. I remembered how she would criticize herself whenever the numbers went up and feel bad for the rest of the day. I decided right then and there that from this point onward I refuse to be a 'dieter.' I will weigh-in once a week at my meetings and keep up my same good attitude throughout the process, lose, gain or stay the same. The changes I am making in my life are nothing more than lifestyle changes, allowing me to be a healthy person, a happy person, a person who is in control of her life, well-being, and destiny.

BTW, did I mention that I went down 1.6 lbs at my first meeting? That was including finals, moving, 2 airplanes, re-acclimating to the US and it's delicious surroundings, and many tasty reunions with friends and family. Not too shabby, I must say :)

75.5 lbs and counting!